I mentioned to a friend the other day that I seem to be deathly allergic to my own happiness. Not surprisingly she agreed with me but added that this was not always the case. It's only since the loss of my girlfriend that I've had issues with accepting happiness in my life. The most obvious way this little problem manifests itself is in (of course) my relationships. Since I'm lousy at those in general (I think, friends think my problem is that I just refuse to take my own good advice) it's taken a minute for me to discover my aversion to happiness. I think in some ways I feel like I don't deserve it so whenever I get close to genuine happiness, I sabotage it. Usually I throw out my bad qualities or force a fight about something in an attempt to make her break the whole thing off. Over the years a few women have taken the bait but others have dug in and refused to let me fall into my self-sabotage routine. Women who did the latter pissed me off and kept me interested all at the same time cuz I was doing something I didn't wanna do, yet I was fascinated by their refusal to leave me. Obviously, all those relationships eventually ended anyway but I do think I learned more from the relationships with women who chose to stick it out.
The crazy thing is that I can't even figure out the exact moment when I started being unable (or unwilling, or both) to accept when things are going well. A lifetime ago I was one of those people who could just go with the flow; bad stuff just rolled right off of me and I embraced all the good stuff I could get my hands on. And now...well, I'm still very go with the flow but it's like I get...I don't know, I guess freaked out when there's nothing wrong. That's not normal, right? I mean, typically people take the good and hope it lasts as long as possible and they're happy. That's what I want and that's what I need to start working towards. The 'how' I am still figuring out. But I will get there eventually. Little victories, ya'll.
