Two years ago I woke up with this overwhelming desire to get a new tattoo. I hadn't been thinking about getting a new one anytime soon but I walked into a shop later that day and got the words 'Freedom' and 'Faith' tattooed on my back. Freedom because it's something that's always been very important to me and that I'm gonna always need to have to be happy. Faith because I believe it'll get you through any and everything in life. They're constant reminders of two basic things I need to maintain my balance in life. Prior to becoming a father I don't know that I woulda agreed that freedom could co-exist with child rearing but then came single parenthood, which can allow a fair amount of freedom sometimes. But that's with one kid. I imagine the freedom declines when you have more kids.
Doing what's best for the kids. I think that's the measure of a good parent. Obviously very few people are completely selfless but hey, nobody's perfect. You'll never achieve perfection in life, which is something you learn when you have kids. I've been thinking a lot about kids and family the past month or so, most of which I've put down here. I've even been having dreams about it. In most of them I'm either the father of three kids or the father of two with a third on the way. And, in the dreams, I am ridiculously happy about being a full blown family man. But when I wake up in this life I'm mildly terrified about the scenario in my dreams. We're talking a suffocating fear of actually having more kids and that stable family environment. I know it's not because I'm afraid of kids, I love being a dad and I know I'm good at it. Isn't that what we're supposed to strive for? The happy family life with 2.5 kids, a dog and a white picket fence? But for some reason the thought of all that domesticity makes me nervous.
Above all, I want my daughter to feel safe and happy and grow up in a loving environment. Does she have that now, even with just the two of us? I hope so. Even if it is just the two of us, that still qualifies as a family (I hate when people say you need two parents to make an official family). But this is not how I pictured parenthood. The ideal for most people is to fall for someone, have kids and raise your family together. And I used to want that but then the person I wanted it with left and it lost it's appeal. It's hard to explain what I want other than to say I'm hopeful my story goes similarly to my sister's; partner she's still madly in love with, three kids, two dogs and she's managed to maintain her independence. So I know it's possible to have a family and still have that freedom and yet it still scares me.
Having thought about it for a few weeks now, I think these dreams keep coming cuz at least some part of me wants my daughter to have a sibling. And I kinda feel pressure about that (from myself) cuz it's highly unlikely her 43-year-old, increasingly erratic mother will give her one. So it's like it's on me to make it happen. Don't misunderstand me though, I don't think it's a problem for her to grow up without any sibs, especially since she has cousins she's extremely close to. But at least some part of me feels like we'd both be happier with that traditional happy family. But here's the conundrum - how does one give their child the happy home environment (say, me, a step-mother (though I don't like that term), maybe some sibs) without losing their independence completely? That's the part I'm stuck on. Is the key to that scenario ending up with someone equally scared of losing their independence? Or is the reverse true and I need someone who has dreamed about that their entire life and has no fear of it and can reassure me that it can be done? *sigh* Those be the million dollar questions.
