Five years ago my best friend's mom was diagnosed with cancer. Doctors treated it aggressively and within a year she went into remission. Two years later it recurred but again, aggressive treatment sent the cancer back into remission. Yesterday came word that she's sick again and this time the cancer has spread and the prognosis is not good. A year, at the most. And even though it wasn't completely unexpected news, it's still hit hard. A lot harder than I thought it would actually. This is one of those cases of wanting to fix everything but not being able to actually do anything. The best thing for me to do is be there for the people I love and I know that but somehow that doesn't seem like enough.
I've mentioned this story before (in detail, I think) but I feel the need to tell it again in an attempt to deal with my emotions. I was the most unexpected baby in the world. My mom was told she was unable to get pregnant but then found out she was expecting my sister. Nine and a half months later, my mom and my godmother were shocked when the doctor delivered my sister and told them there was 'another one' yet to be delivered. Having been unexpected and smashed behind my sister the entire time, I had some minor health problems that kept me in and out of the hospital. When I was three months old, I ended up in the NICU with pneumonia and that is where I "met" my best friend. She was a newborn with lung issues and we were parked next to each other for a few weeks while we both recovered. Her mom was still in a hospital bed herself because of the difficult delivery (some things never change, her firstborn is still difficult) so her dad spent the majority of his days in the NICU and struck up a friendship with my mom. This coulda been a case of everyone losing touch once they were discharged but for some reason our parents chose to keep in touch, partially because we didn't live that far from each other. I could never thank the universe enough for that decision.
I essentially grew up with two female bodyguards. Every major (or minor) life event I've had, my sister and my best friend have been there to either root me on or pick up the pieces. My sister's life took major turns just out of high school but rather than feeling left out or left behind, I coped surprisingly well because my best friend and I were on the same path. We were joined at the hip during high school and roommates during college and beyond. Over the years many people have commented that our relationship probably intimidates the people we go out with and I'm sure that's true on some level. But honestly, the people who we've fallen for and/or attempted long-term commitments with have all been able to get past that and accept that we're kind of a package deal. We live our own lives but we've never had to live them without each other. Believe me, I know how rare what we have is and I'm incredibly appreciative of it because I wouldn't have made it through the worst of times without her. It just hit me the other day that I've had the same best friend, without question and with very few arguments, for almost 30 years. We musta done something pretty kick ass in our last lives to be able to have each other in these ones.
Our history and our bond is what makes it so difficult to deal with everything going on now. I love her and I love her family, they're my family too. Her mom and my best friend's younger sister are incredibly close, whereas she's always been closer to her father. And her father has always been a special dude in my life, we're also very close. But both of her parents have always treated me like I was their own son. Her mother and I have had some interesting conversations over the years and I recall one in particular when her illness recurred the first time. It really made me think and, in a way, it was almost as if she'd come to terms with the fact that she wasn't meant to be in this life for much longer. We talked about the pros and cons of knowing how and when you were going to die. I was still a wanderer at the time and some days I felt like I wasn't long for this earth either. I said then that I would want to know when and how I was gonna die cuz I could have time with the people I love. I never thought about what it would be like to be on the opposite side, to be one of those loved ones prepping to say goodbye to someone who has been there your entire life. And I can't even try to imagine what it's like for her daughters and her husband.
No matter how much time she has left, it's never gonna be enough. But then, our time on this earth is always considered too short. The most striking thing about that conversation I had with her was how at peace she was with the entire situation. So much so that I had to ask her if she would actually be okay with dying (if there is such a thing). She said her life had been well lived, had been more than she ever imagined it could be. She'd come to the States, married her best friend, had two beautiful daughters who grew up to be wonderful, giving women and she'd kept good company. She said the loss of my girlfriend was a tragedy because she was young and never got a chance to live a full life. But that her own passing shouldn't be mourned in the same way, rather accepted as part of the natural order and celebrated because she had lived happily and received more than she deserved. I'll try to keep that in mind as things progress and, even more importantly, try to live my own life the same way. One thing's for sure, I have that 'keep very good company' part of the equation down already.
