Feelings

I know that I'm generally a very affectionate dude. I love hugs and I try and make it a point to tell the people I love how I feel since I now know for a fact that this life could all go up in smoke any minute. An area in which I could use some improvement is in expressing how I feel. Typically, my mentality is that if I feel it, I say it, especially when it comes to my daughter. But lately (well, I guess the past year or so actually) I've had trouble putting it all out there. Obviously a part of it has to do with my having put myself out there in the past and being ridiculed or whatever for saying how I felt. But it's begun to creep in even with people I'm super comfortable with who I know would never minimize my feelings or make fun of me for how I feel. I can count on two hands the number of people who have aided in my uncomfortableness around feelings. A few are family, a couple of friends and a few were girlfriends. I don't think a single one knows that they've had a hand in it. And that's probably my fault for not speaking up when I felt the way I did but I've always internalized more than I should so it kinda makes sense. The more intense the feelings, the harder they are to express so you can imagine how uncomfortable I get when really feel something. But I'm glad I've been able to keep this in check with my daughter cuz I never want her to feel like I'm aloof around her or that I don't love her more than anything or anyone in the universe. Still, I wonder if this is a part of my putting the 'sex with an ex' thing on repeat, rather than going for the love thing that I actually want. I mean, to be in love and be happy you have to express those feelings to the other person. And be willing to accept love back into your life. Yep...that would be the ideal thing. Hope to get there sooner rather than later.