Apathy is a state of indifference or the suppression of emotions. Maybe it's just me but life seemed a whole lot easier when I was living it without all these pesky emotions. And now...See, that's the thing. I don't know how to finish that sentence. I know it's not good to not feel stuff. I did that for way too long and it solved nothing, it just sunk me into a deeper depression. And let me tell you, coming out of that state and dealing with those feelings and letting go of my apathetic ways rocked me like a hurricane. But I've noticed I tend to retreat to an apathetic state when things start affecting me or becoming too real and I know that isn't good and I'm trying to curb it. But damn is that easier said than done.
I am not typically a fan of long, detailed conversations. I don't have those kinds of conversations with very many people, it takes a lot for me to trust someone enough with my feelings. I have a tendency to stop personal conversations in their tracks, especially when the focus of them is me. I don't know why I do this but I often wonder if it has something to do with having been accused by girlfriends past of sometimes being overly sensitive. So now rather than put how I really feel out there and get criticized for it, I refrain from saying anything at all. Another part of it I think is that I often feel like I shouldn't unload my problems on someone else since they have their own issues. I'd rather help them through their stuff, if I can, instead of unloading my burdens on them. Whatever the reason, very few people have the power to engage me in a detailed conversation about myself.
My daughter is battling a bit of a cold so I was up with her for awhile the other night and couldn't get back to sleep. So I crept downstairs, planted myself on the patio and lost myself in thought. Not long after I started thinking, one of the people with the power to make me analyze myself sat down next to me. I know you shouldn't play favorites with people but I ADORE this particular cousin. She lives in DC so we don't get to hang out with each other as much as we'd like. She asked what I was thinking about and, in typical me fashion, I deflected the focus back to her. She just turned 33 and talked about how happy she is with her career and her family but feels like the one thing missing in her life is love. Her parents have been married for eons and are still in love and that's what she wants (don't we all, right?). Then, real slick like, she turned the convo around on me. Before mission control could ignite my resistance boosters, I started pouring my heart out.
You know how you have tons in common with someone and something clicks and you feel so safe with them that you know you can be yourself, flaws and all? You confess every past secret, lay out every misdeed and it only brings you closer. I've known that once and it was too long ago. Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I was to have it even once. I know I didn't truly appreciate it in the moment though, not until it was gone. But it was the one time I didn't pull away at all because I felt comfortable. So why can't I break the habit and not pull away now? That is the million dollar question. I seriously suck. It's like the one place I literally can't force myself to get it right is in the relationship category. I build myself up and then I pull myself right back down. And then someone inevitably gets hurt and it's fine when that someone is me. But I can't stand hurting other people. Although that is apparently what I do all too well.
