I was going through some old photos with a friend and we came across one of me and a...well, for lack of a better term, "half-girlfriend". (That term is borrowed from a friend. Basically it means she wasn't quite a full-on girlfriend, we lingered in the in-between.) We talked about the pic for a second and then the friend asked, "Whatever happened with you guys?". And I drew a total blank. Then it hit me a few days later that my relationship with that woman ended, for me anyway, before she even became a "half-girlfriend". Then it hit me even harder that this has become a recurring theme in my romantic adventures.
So what is it exactly that replays itself in almost every relationship? It usually goes something like this - It draws me in, it's all-consuming, I want it, I need it and even if everything in me is screaming that it's a horrible mistake, I still pursue it. Then, even less quickly than I became enamored, I disengage mentally and I'm out the door and down the block before she's even decided if she really likes me or not. It's like after that point I'm just waiting for an out and I will find it, no matter how small the window. She suggests I get help for my depression, I twist it to mean she thinks I'm crazy and I'm outta there. Try and make me do something that's good for me but that I don't want to do and I'm gone. Over and over again. So it just basic restlessness or something more that causes me to do this? That is the question.
I know that most dudes wouldn't care about leaving a trail of confused chicks behind cuz it's not like they have to deal with 'em anymore once it's over. But being a firm believer in those who don't understand their past are doomed to repeat it, I'd like to know why this pattern started in the first place. I know I have a gigantic kick in the ass coming my way via karma someday so it's not like I think I've gotten away with hurting people free and clear. I saw this movie once where this dude went back through all the women of his past and asked them what the problems in their relationship were. I've been tempted to do that but I've found that a much simpler (and less invasive) way of doing this is to write out how it all went down and I've been doing that on another blog. And it is helping but it's been an agonizingly slow process so far, but probably only cuz of my impatience.
