There are few things as awkward as the one night stand. You spend half the night trying to hook up with someone you barely know, or don't know at all, or maybe even know but you're too drunk to remember you know them. You go home together and get it on. And then...well, and then what? You could leave, but chicks tend to not like that. You could talk, but it's a little awkward to casually chat when your business is all out in the open. You could run from her husband/his wife and end up on a show on Investigation Discovery. But none of those options are all that appealing. And the real kicker is, what's inappropriate and rude to one person is perfectly okay to other, and there's no way to gauge which is which. And so, we all just continue to mosey along and fake it til we make it through the awkwardness that happens after the deed is done. And some of us do a better job of it than others.
As evidenced on Twitter and in a post from a few days ago, someone I know (nickname not given to protect the stupid) fumbled epically in the aftermath of a one night stand. It's not that he's awkward with the womensz or anything, not usually anyway. He was just in a relationship for a long time, took about a year to mourn the end of it and is just now getting back into the dating scene. And it ain't easy. We went out the other night and he started talking to this chick and they were really into each other. One thing led to another and he ended up going home with her. The next day, he wakes up and she's in the other room so he goes out there and the first thing he says to her is, "Wow, I slept great. Where did you get those sheets?". *sigh*...Needless to say, she hasn't returned his calls since. I fell half bad for him because I know he's just getting back out there, but I also could not help but laugh hysterically at the whole thing. Of course, manwhore extraordinaire that I am, I shouldn't be judging or laughing at him. I should be schoolin' the lad.
Shockingly, this whole situation has become THE topic of conversation amongst my peeps and I the past 48 hours, a large part of the convo being about what exactly is appropriate to say and not say after a one nighter. I mean, it is awkward once the lust subsides and the deed is done and you realize you don't really know, and maybe don't even really like, the person you're with at that moment. The topic has prompted some hilariousness though (but don't all of our topics?). One friend remembered tucking a guy in after a one night stand (they never reconnected after that...not sure why, sounds like it went great). Another couldn't remember the name of the dude she'd just slept with because she'd been trying to hook up with someone else during the course of the evening. The worst one nighter I ever had was with a chick who was a talker. She was hot, but she talked and talked and talked ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Until we got back to her place, then she finally stopped talking. Until we'd done the deed. Literally five minutes after it was over, she asked me if I'd seen an episode of a particular reality show. I sat there in stunned, awkward silence which she apparently took to mean, "Please continue talking to me about this show I don't care about". Ten minutes later I made up some excuse about having to be up early the next day and she left and we never spoke again. And now, the friends and I have compiled a list of things you never want to hear after a one night stand. (Can you believe we do all of this ridiculousness AND still have full-time jobs and families? I know, I can't either).
1) "The money is on the dresser"
2) "Wait, was it you I told about that whole positive test thing or was it my first choice I told about that?"
3) "Well...my wife/husband will be home soon so you should go."
4) "You don't watch 'America's Most Wanted' by any chance, do you?"
5) "I thought those were bigger."
6) "I assumed that would be bigger."
7) "And your name was...?"
8) "Wow. You are way more flexible than your mom/sister/grandma."
9) "Shhh! My parents could wake up any minute!"
10) "You mind if I chill out here for awhile? I think the manhunt should definitely be over by morning."
11) Anything pertaining to marriage in any way, shape or form (surprisingly, this was a popular answer)
12) A poem of any kind
And my favorite of all-time:
"Now that I have your attention, can I introduce you to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
