My cousin is having a bit of a crisis at the moment. His on-again/off-again boyfriend has given him a ultimatum - either they're monogamous and committed to each other for life, or they part ways altogether. Usually, I am vehemently opposed to ultimatums, I will walk away before I respond to one myself, but the cousin is different. Ultimatums seem to be the only way he can actually make decisions. And frankly, he deserves to be served up an ultimatum when it comes to that relationship. The cousin, N, dated girls all through high school and college. In his senior year of college, he told the family he was taking a hiatus from dating, but was actually dating a guy. The guy was ten years older and sure he was gay but was still in the closet. N wasn't sure if he was experimenting or if he was gay so he also remained closeted. After a year together, the cousin decided to come out to the family and we all know how that went. He still downplayed the relationship though because the other dude wasn't ready to be out, and that's what ultimately did them in. Once they split, N hit the dating scene as a proud gay dude for the first time. He was looking forward to dating and finally being comfortable in his own skin when M entered the picture. M was out-ish (to friends and family, not to work folk) and, unbeknownst to N, was totally his type. They started dating but from the beginning there were issues, the main one being that N had no business attempting to be in a committed relationship. He still wanted to date around, but he also wanted M. Since then, almost eight years now, they have done a lot of "are we or aren't we" about the state of their union. They've run the gamut; been "engaged", been broken up, been happily together, been unhappily together and even tried an open relationship. All of this at N's discretion. Finally, M decided he was no longer going to let N breeze in and out of the relationship whenever the mood suits him. He told him they are either engaged or they are done, and this time it's for good. There's no real time frame for N to decide, but I'm sure M isn't going to give it more than a week or so.
I was talking to a friend about all this yesterday and we agreed that the way you feel when you hear that someone you love is about to jump ship is the guiding factor in determining how you react. If someone tells you they're about to peace out and your reaction is basically, 'meh' then you're likely not going to do anything to keep them. But if your reaction is something along the lines of your stomach churning or your chest hurting or some kind of instant emotion, chances are you are going to kick it into gear and make an effort. N was incredibly distraught when he told me about everything going on so I have to think he's a part of the latter group. For all his faults, the one thing he will not do is let someone he truly loves walk away. And I know he loves M. I think part of the reason he's continued to screw around is because M never really put his foot down about it before. It wasn't that he necessarily wanted to keep doing it, it was just that he was allowed to do it. He did it because he could, in other words. And now he has to make a choice; continue to live that way, and do it alone, or commit to someone that adores him and stop screwing around. The fam and I are rooting for the second scenario because we all love M, but obviously we'll support whatever choice N makes. Except for Crazy Aunt. She wants a gay wedding and this is her one shot. So really the choice is commit or face certain death at Crazy Aunt's hands. Choose wisely, yo...
