Buddha-licious

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not big on religion. The inside joke is that I don't have one. And, once when I was venting about a religious chick I was dating, a friend told me something along the lines of, "Jeez, does a woman have to completely give up all religious affiliation to be with you?" No, she does not (smart ass lol). I have nothing against religion or religious people. What I have a problem with is these new "mega churches" and the whole "come with us or die" mentality that some churches preach. There's nothing wrong with believing in something. Or choosing to not believe in anything.
I was raised Catholic and my Grandma was a hard core Catholic, but I never felt like it was forced on me. I went to Catholic school for two years because my core group of friends were going, not because we were super-religious. I dreaded church every Thursday. And at 17, I started to research other religions. I read up on everything, but nothing took until after my accident in 2002. I stopped believing in a lot. Not just because I was hurt but because my best friend had been taken so soon. I didn't understand that, just didn't seem right. I finally hit on something that stuck and I've carried it with me ever since. It's not really a "religion" in my view, more of a way to live. And I still carry around a few things from my Catholic upbringing, as well as a few others. But whenever I'm asked about what religion I am, I just say it's a complicated thing and people usually move on. I don't feel the need to preach anything to anyone. And I don't want to be preached to by anyone else about what they believe. I have friends of all kinds of religions and, of course, I'll sit and listen if it's something they wanna discuss. But, for me, it's more of a personal thing.
I have a friend, someone I met in the last four months or so, who was raised Catholic and then became a Christian years ago. She was, well, a handful during her teenage years and it still haunts her today. She's my age and I really didn't understand her issues until recently. In fact, what she went through isn't that different from what I did. Except her acting out came out of pure rebellion and mine wasn't about rebelling. She feels like she hasn't been able to move past the old her because of her religion. She thinks it hinders her by focusing on the things she done wrong in the past, rather than who she is now and will be in the future. Out of nowhere, she asked me how I got past my issues and how I came to be at peace with it all, because I'm really not bothered or conflicted by my past at all anymore. I told her that I just found something that works for me. It doesn't restrict me and it's about doing your best not to hurt others and by doing that you help yourself. I hope she can get past her past and move on because she really is one of the nicest, sweetest people I know and she deserves to be happy. She shouldn't have to live under this cloud and constantly repent for something that's done and can't be changed. You make mistakes and you move on. As long as you can forgive yourself, and live with yourself, that's what matters.

Thanksgiving

I can't believe Turkey Day is right around the corner already. Then comes Christmas. It all seems to sneak up now but, as a friend of mine was saying last week, when you're a kid, it seems to take FOREVER to get to Christmas. And, really, as a youngster you're in it mostly for the gifts. It's not until you're older that you appreciate the broader picture, as with most things in life. But I used to love the holidays when I was little because I got to just run around and be crazy with my cousins. It's almost the same reason I love them now. Thanksgiving was slightly traumatizing to me as a child because one year my Grandma and Mom tried to cook a full turkey on their own. lol It was hysterical. No bird, alive or not, should have to go through what that poor turkey did. But it's a sad holiday too because my Grandma died a few years later the week before Thanksgiving. It's hard to lose anyone at anytime but around the holidays is the worst. I remember the last month and a half of that year being so...out of focus for everyone. We celebrated and all, but it just hasn't ever been quite the same since. For years, after my Grandma's death, we spent the holiday at my Great Grandparents house. I loved that house, we all did. It wasn't massive but it had a basement with a bar and dance floor and a second living room and kitchen. We spent so many years down there just being together. I remember the Christmas tree in the corner and the pictures of all of us kids on the dance floor opening our gifts. All beautiful memories from a pretty damn good childhood. My Great Grandparents sold that house a few years back and, this year, Grandma passed away and Grandpa's moved out of state.
After they sold the house, we started doing Thanksgiving at a hall every year because there were so freakin' many of us and because my family practically adopts anyone and everyone. It was fun, the annual football games and the karaoke and dancing. But last year, we kinda all got off track and busy with other things and totally spaced out reserving the hall. So we had to have it at the family house, which is quite the party house as it is but we always thought it would be small for the number of people we have every year. It turns out it was pretty nice last year on Thanksgiving so we could spill out into the yard and we all had a pretty damn good time. It wasn't cramped at all. This year, both Christmas and Thanksgiving are gonna be at the house again. But we're much better prepared, should the weather not cooperate as well as it did last year. The basement is finally finished and looks very much like the Great Grandparents old basement, except it is quite a bit bigger and has a karaoke stage now. lol. And if we need the extra room, there's this big...I don't know what you'd call it, outside temporary addition, to the house. So, even if it does snow or rain or whatever, we're pretty much covered up and don't have to worry.
It's nice to have everyone at the house though. It's typically a very busy household on a daily basis anyway, but around the holidays it works out if someone can't drive home or just doesn't want to. No one has to clean up a hall and then go home to chill out. We can just chill out all day, eat and then do whatever the heck else we want to. This year will still be sadder than the last few. We lost three wonderful women this year and, to make matters worse for me, I found some pictures in the attic yesterday of a few years back on Thanksgiving. My Nonnie added her traditional Italian feast to the mix and, my God, no one ate for days afterwards. lol. We were too full. And that's another thing we'll miss this year.
But there are new things coming into the fold at this Thanksgiving. The mother of my child didn't grow up in a strong family environment and she really wants that for our kid. It'll start this year, she's coming to the feast. We're still very much undefined as a couple or whatever we are but we're still managing to work together on all things baby. It's crazy to think that we'll actually have a baby at the family parties next year.

The Wedding

This year has been a very good one for my sister and brother. Both became engaged to their middle school sweethearts after long relationships and a couple of kids. My sister and her partner have been together ten years. When they met, he was my friend and he took an instant liking to her and she didn't wanna give him the time of day. It was only after about a month or so that she agreed to go out with him and they've been joined at the hip every since. They had my beautiful niece when they were 19 and then four years later, in the midst of all the drama with my accident and deaths and all that, they had a son. They never talked about getting married just because they had kids. His parents had done that and it was an ill-fated union from the start and it still haunts him today in some ways. Finally, in August of this year, he proposed on the exact day, to the exact hour, of their first date. (He was gonna do the day they met, but then remembered that day did not go well). They're still very much on the fence about actually getting married but, for now, the engagement seems to be working well for them.
My little brother and his..I guess, now it would be wife, met when they were 12. We used to do this after-care program thing at our Catholic school while my mom was at work, but my brother rarely had to go since he had baseball practice everyday. One day it got rained out and he had to come downstairs with the rest of us and he met one of my friends from the program and it was the total 'love at first sight' meeting, (if you believe in all that like they do, I don't). They've rarely spent more days apart than they absolutely have to since and they have a 5-year-old little boy together. Their first child was also unexpected and they were young (kinda runs in the family), but they didn't freak out and go get hitched, they knew they weren't ready. Back in May, they became engaged. And on Saturday they finally did seal the deal after about thirteen years, most of them as a couple. I was best man at the wedding and it felt...weird. Somehow it's been harder to let go, for lack of a better word, of my sister as she's grown up. We're twins, so we've always been very close, but I think I learned to kinda let go a little when they had their daughter. But my brother has always been my little brother, you know? He's always been one of the babies to me because he's the third youngest out of all of us kids. But the last few years, he's gone through some subtle but, in the end, dramatic changes as a person and I could not be more proud of who he is now.
Obviously, you think when you're growing up that things are gonna happen in a specific order when you get to be adults. I was born second, so I'll get to do everything second, he'll be third and my sister will be first. She was first, to her credit. lol, I'm the one that messed up all the order. But I'm not freaking out about it. Honestly, even if I did want to get married, I wouldn't do it until I was around 30 or so. Not because of the statistics or anything. But because I'd really want to be sure about the person. But now, despite the year full or weddings, I'm even more sure I don't want to go down that route. If I'm with someone whom I love (who may or may not be in my life right now) and she loves me and we work everything out that comes our way and we're both happy, then why should we change anything just because society says you have to be married? Sure, it adds years to your life, supposedly. But when it's your time, it's your time folks. I don't see anything wrong with being committed to one another and being committed to your family and life together but not being married. All of this comes up because, inevitably, I had to deal with the marriage questions from extended family at the wedding. And it was especially odd, given the weird situation in which I find myself. Most of my close family knows that I have no intentions of getting hitched in this lifetime, but the extended doesn't really need to know right now. So they ask all of the 'when's your turn?', and 'when are you gonna marry the mother of your child?' questions every chance they get. And now I can just ignore it. It doesn't make me feel bad or any less to go to these family functions and hear the questions. It used to. But not anymore. That's some progress, huh?

I'd Be Done With Me Too

The more I think I'm starting to get past everything, the more it just comes back and smack me upside the head. It's not as bad as it was. I mean, I don't think I could get that low ever again. Not without some kind of major push (again). But I've come to realize that I was so incredibly screwed up by the past that it's still causing me issues. Every relationship I've ever had has had at least one obstacle and, somewhere in my subconscious, I know that it's not gonna stick because of that obstacle. So, even if it is a serious relationship, some part of me knows it's not gonna last. Whether I want it to or not.
And now, I'm caught in the middle of a ridiculous situation. The one I've wanted all along finally wants me and I'm avoiding it because I'm expecting a child with someone else (who also wants me). What a problem to have, I know, is what you're probably thinking but it really is a pain in the ass. I know parenthood is gonna force me to not be selfish and I'm already thinking in terms of 'we' and 'us' on that front. The mother of my child and I have been back and forth about trying a relationship and we decided last week to play it by ear, which means we're not together right now. So the one I want moved in and tried to pick up our relationship again about a week ago and we had a fight because I tried to push her away. I apologized and things moved on and it was nice. And then, inevitably, I screwed up again and she stormed out and now she won't take my calls. Not that I blame her. I used to have a girlfriend who would constantly push me and when I pushed back, it drove me nuts to have to do it at all but I did. Now, I'm the one constantly pushing and she's pushing back and standing her ground. And she's so stubborn...yeah, I know, so am I. But she thinks this could work, baby drama and all, and she's actually applying herself and trying to push us forward. But I put up this wall. And I don't know how to stop.

Memory Loss

You know that show on ABC called "Samantha Who?" It's about this chick who gets hit by a car and goes into a coma and then wakes up with major memory loss and goes about trying to figure out who she was before the accident. Turns out, she was not a nice person before she got nailed. I bring this all up because my girlfriend (just seeing how it sounds) is hooked on this show and I've started watching to sort of check for accuracy, I guess. My memory loss was not as severe as hers is on the show, but there are definite similarities. So far, it seems to be about right. Except it was a lot less comedic when I finally woke up.
When I came out of my coma, I remembered who I was and who the people in my life were. Most of what I lost is memories of the past. I lost a lot of my early childhood and some of my teen years. It's one of those things that you really don't appreciate until you lose it. Thankfully, I have a best friend who was there my entire life and has endless patience when it comes to reminding me of what I'm missing in my mind. But the last few months or so I've had these...flashbacks, I guess, for lack of a better word and I've been slowly getting back some of what I lost. Some of them are of things I've been reminded of the last five years by friends or family, except now I'm seeing them through my own eyes. Others are things that were completely wiped out when the crash happened that I'm remembering and confirming with the people in my life that they actually happened to me. lol Some of the things I've flashed back to have been from t.v. shows I saw when I was little. But most of them have been legitimate.
I never expected to gain any of my old memories though. I was told it may or may not happen and it could happen at anytime but there really was very little optimism in any of those words. So to have all of this coming back to me is a little odd. Typically, all of these flashbacks happen when I'm asleep, they're more like dreams that are actually real. But yesterday I had one right in the middle of the day, during a meeting, and I didn't have any choice but to pay attention to it. I don't know if I really want to remember certain things I've been getting back. If it were up to me I would be getting back the ability to recall short-term stuff rather than some of the older stuff. If only it worked that way...

Manners

Okay this is probably gonna sound like a rant from an old man but I don't care. lol.
Yesterday I picked up my niece from school and her teacher came over to talk to me. She started talking about her grades and how well she's doing and all that stuff and then she said, "And it's so nice to see a child that respects their elders and says 'Thank you' and 'Please'." I just kinda nodded and we left for home but I was kinda taken aback by what she said. I wasn't aware that so many kids these days lacked manners. I've been to her school several times before but I never really noticed the actions of the other kids. But I did start to pay closer attention last night when I went out shopping for Halloween stuff and later on at the party/haunted house. I was behind this woman at the grocery store with two kids, about eight and six, who were running around grabbing things and screaming. One of them knocked the bag that the lady was filling up off the side of the checkstand and cans flew everywhere. The lady picked them all up as the mom just watched and didn't say a thing to the kids. Then as they were leaving, she told the kids to say thank you to the woman who had done the bagging and they both screamed "No!" and took off out the doors. It was embarrassing to just about everyone in the store. And I'm pretty sure her kids get away with that crap all the time, judging by the way she handled this incident.
At the party, things seemed much better. About 99% of the kids that came and went were polite and said 'Please' and 'Thank you' and everybody had a great time. I don't know if manners just aren't valued the same way anymore in this society or what, but in my family it's not an option of whether or not you WANT to be polite or respectful. That's just the way it is. I remember even as I got to high school, and as I started working, I would get a lot of compliments on being polite and saying "Sir" and "Ma'am". I've never known it any other way. But apparently that isn't the norm with all families, which, yeah, I get that my family is not normal. lol. If you've met them, then you know. But my kid is gonna have manners, and I would hope they pass that on to their kids as well.

Self-Sabotage

My best friend. I love her. Completely unconditionally and I know she feels the same way. She's proven it on more than one occasion during the past 26 years. I don't love her for any one reason. It's not because I have to or because I'm obligated to. It's simply because of who she is. We're compatible and we have been since the day we were born. If you're one to believe there's someone out there for everybody (though you don't always marry your someone), then consider the fact that my potential someone was born in the exact same room I was born in, three months after me, and we ended up side by side in the NICU because I was an unexpected problem child and she was premature. For your someone to be right next to you from that early on...that's rare. That's something special. You go through everything together. If you look at the photo albums in both of our parent's homes from our childhood, every birthday, every school function, every summer picnic, we're in the same shot. I'm a twin and I am very close to my sister, but you woulda thought my best friend was my twin considering how much time we spent together. Thankfully, we look nothing alike or we would've been mistaken for siblings.
There's a picture from Christmas in 1984 when we were at my great grandparents house. Every year my family has these huge holiday parties and it's a great time no matter how old you are. In this picture, there's actually like four of them that my Grandma took, we're dancing together in our little Christmas outfits. I mean, getting down! It's one of my favorites partly because my Grandma took it and partly because it just reminds me of the holidays every year. It reminds me why I've never spent them anywhere but home. Another picture has the two of us on field day at our elementary school. We're sitting on the side of the relay track or something, in the dirt with me holding a sign for the next relay group. She's sitting right next to me on the side of that track and, somehow, my mom managed to get nothing and no one else into the shot but the two of us. It's one of those Kodak moments that you hear about. My mom's had that picture up in the house since the day she got it developed and I never really got why it meant so much to her. I mean, it's not our best photo..it was field day, we look like we'd just run a mile (and probably had). But I get now why she keeps it up and what it means to her. I think she feels less stressed about me because of it. She has three kids and by the end of the year I'll be the only one who isn't in a stable relationship or marriage. That's cause to worry but she knows I'll never truly be alone in life because of this person I've been blessed with from the beginning of my life.
I used to think that I'd never really been alone but I know I have, during my accident and recovery. No one else, not even her, could go through that with me or for me. But it is a testament to how strong our connection really is when you consider that she felt physically ill the hour I got into the accident and she was miles away and had no clue what had happened at that point. And she was there for the aftermath, the good and bad points of my recovery. She never tried to say that she knew how hard it was because she knew she didn't. I've had very few experiences where we've argued and we've never had a time when we weren't speaking. I know how lucky we are to have this. There's no one closer to me than her. And that's why it drives me crazy when her major flaw rears its ugly head. She freaks herself out in new situations and then she pulls away or she just stops communicating. She does things that come back to bite her in the ass. And I know her well enough to know that she is fully aware of what she's doing, but she does it anyway. There's nothing I want more than herr happiness and for her to be settled. What gets me is that she knows exactly what she needs to do to be balanced, she's the most balanced person I know by nature, but she refuses to do it either out of pure stubborness or for some other stupid reason. She sabotages her romantic relationships and she's on the verge of doing it again with someone she really does love. And it's something that I can't fix, for the first time in 26 years. And that sucks beyond belief.

Quirks

Nobody's perfect. That's the first thing you learn when you're in a relationship and the first thing you have to really accept for it to keep going. Sure, you start out and every little thing this person does is magic and everything they do just turns you on, but eventually you see the different sides and quirks of their personality. Some things are easier to live with than others. But if the relationship works out, these are things you may have to live with for the rest of your life. Then comes compromise. More than once I've compromised what I said I couldn't live with in a partner because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course it never is. You either can deal with it or you can't.
I'm always five minutes early when I have to be somewhere, I get that from my mom. When we were little, she always stressed how important it was to be timely and it's something we've all carried on with us throughout our lives. Years ago, I was dating somebody who could not be on time to a lifeboat if she were on the Titanic as it was sinking. It didn't matter if it was work or play, she apparently could not force herself to be on time. I'm not talking about being annoyed because your girlfriend has to try on one more outfit or fix her hair because of a bad hair day kinda late. She wouldn't even start to get ready until ten minutes or so before we had to leave and then, of course, as I was saying we needed to go she would be just finishing one part of her routine and we'd be very late sometimes. So I started lying to her. Not maliciously or anything. I just told her that from now on I'd tack on twenty minutes til the time we actually had to leave and see if that helped us any. It did, we were never late again from that time on.
When we started dating she was a smoker, and a bad one. But she knew I had asthma (at the time) and that I couldn't live with a smoker because it seriously aggravated my breathing issues. So, she did this whole hypnosis thing and she quit. It was easier than either of us thought it would be but whatever that dude did, it knocked the urge to smoke right outta her. It was great. But then it became a point of contention in the last months that we spent together. She would go out to lunch or whatever with her friends and every now and again come back smelling like smoke. That alone would make my asthma act up and then there'd be a minor arguement about the whole deal. I'd never try to control another human being, it's not possible. All I wanted was to not have to be around smoke or the smell or anything else having to do with it for my health. Did I want her to quit for her own health? Of course. Cancer already runs in her family, the last thing you want to do is tempt fate. It will bite you in the ass one day if you taunt it enough (I should know). She's still a smoker and still late everywhere she goes.
And of course I did things that she had to live with. But I couldn't tell you exactly what they were since she never really spoke up about them. Everything stayed bottled up and when it finally came to the surface, if it ever did, it resulted in a fight. I know we both made some mistakes but it's odd to look back and realize how much you've both changed, or reverted back to your old ways, since you broke up. Sometimes you think you'd be more compatible now, as opposed to back then, but when you really think about it, you realize your wants won't change. If anything were to happen now, it wouldn't work. I'm never gonna want to get married and live the life she always thought she would with me. She's never gonna wanna not get married. Maybe she needs that in her life. More power to her. We're friends and we don't talk as much as we used to but I still wish nothing but the best for her. She deserves it. And if she ever does get that chance to be a wife and/or mother, she's gonna be a good one.

The Obvious

In contrast to the unexpected (which I deleted, btw), there is the obvious. I have two friends who have very obviously been in love with one another since they met in high school. They did not begin "dating" (if you can call it that) until about two months ago. The hold up? Her younger sister was dating his older brother. They became engaged when she was 22 and he was 24 and it seemed like a very good match. But the closer they seemed to get to getting married, he started to back out and then he finally just said he never actually intended to get married. He'd just proposed to sort of show his commitment to staying with her forever. She wanted to be married. She ended it and was completely devastated, obviously, having spent nearly nine years of her life on someone. Her best friend, whom she met in high school, was right there to help her deal with everything. They spent a ton of time together and once she was on the mend they went on with their, separate, dating lives. He got seriously involved with someone last year but it didn't work out and guess where he went to be consoled. They started to fall for each other but neither one would actually admit it. Everyone knew they belonged together, they're different but they balance one another out very well. They're still together and extremely happy. But all of this cleared the path for her sister to finally pay attention to her feelings for her one-time would-be brother-in-law. They started seeing each other and it was just instantly perfect for them. They're expecting their first child now, and even though it's still very early in the relationship and it seems like a lot very soon, they're handling it brilliantly. It's not at all a big deal for them, it's like this would all be happening now whether they'd been together years or just the month.
Both of these pairings were obvious to everyone they knew and yet it took them a long time to either realize it or come to terms with it. Maybe they all kinda knew where they were going but they weren't in any hurry to get there. I don't know. But lately I can't help but feel like I'm not supposed to be in a romantic relationship with the mother of my child. We've been on a few, I guess you'd say dates, but I haven't felt what I think I should in order to go back into a full-on relationship. She says she wants to give it a try and not just for the baby. I don't know what to do. I know where I would like to be but that's just not possible right now.

Crazy

Have you ever met somebody you just could not be without for a single second or it felt like you were gonna die? Not like the beginning of a relationship, just like this feeling that all life would end if you weren't with this person. Not for the conversation, not for the dates, just for what burned between you when you were together.
Last year, a friend of mine broke off her engagement to her longtime boyfriend and our paths happened to cross in N.Y. We had dinner and then immediately after we ended up at my place and spent the night together. For the next two weeks, it was one hell of a wild ride. She would show up at my work at random times during the day or throw herself at me the minute I walked into my apartment. We would be out in the city at three in the morning just goofing around and exploring and being together. We did some of the craziest things I've ever done in my life. She drove me completely wild everytime she looked at me with those beautiful eyes. It was wonderful. We didn't know or care what we were doing and we didn't even make an effort to label it. It was just fun. Three weeks later, it was all over. Things just fizzled, I guess. It went from being unable to function without one another in the same room to her being a thousand miles away and me being back to work in the city. There was no goodbye, no break-up...we just woke up one morning and she said she was gonna be late for her flight and gave me a quick kiss and told me to call her when I got a chance. We haven't spoken since. We got it all out of our systems and then it was done and the world has continued to turn. I wouldn't trade those three weeks for anything. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. Even though we haven't spoken, I have seen her since it ended and I felt absolutely nothing when I saw her. It's amazing to remember how much burned between us back then and now...nothing.

The Click

I've never felt completely content with myself or my life in my entire time on this planet. I don't know if it's just not my time or if it's not meant to be at all but once my relationships became serious, or somewhat serious, I was happy for a few months and then I felt nothing. All except for my first few serious relationships and my engagement. I was truly happy in those but I don't think I can say I was content. It didn't feel like all was right with the world very much, if at all, during those relationships. Was I in love? Well...I know for sure I was in one of them. But love and contentment are two different things. I've always dated older women, don't ask me why. I guess it's this damned old soul business. I've felt like I've had to dumb it down to be with the younger women who are attracted to me, and most of that attraction falls on looks and nothing else. I don't want to be with someone who only sees the outside and only cares about that.
A few years ago I was working in Canada on a friend's movie and I met this girl who was about a year and a half younger than me but very mature for her age. It took her forever to agree to go out with me because she was unsure, given my reputation at the time, if it was going to be an actual relationship possibility or just a one night thing. She was raised very religiously, she's the closest thing to the very religious that I've ever dated. Things went well for a few weeks. We hung out a lot and we were both enjoying getting to know each other. And then, almost two months in, we slept together. This was at the height of my "issues" stage and I didn't understand why I was doing the things I was doing since they didn't make me happy. Anyway, we slept together a few times, I'd met the parents, (who, btw, HATED me because they thought I was corrupting their daughter), and then I hit that inevitable wall that kept showing up in my relationships. I was just done, all of a sudden. No reason, nothing I could explain. Just done. But instead of saying, "Hey, maybe we should take some time," I decided to just not answer her calls. Not something I'm at all proud of, obviously. Then, she came around and I told her I didn't see us working and she, of course, took this to mean that I'd just wanted to get her into bed and that I had planned to break it off all along. That wasn't it. But there was no convincing her otherwise. Still, for some reason, she could not let me or us go. I started seeing other women and continued to deny what I was becoming and she kept calling me. One night she called and I was stupid enough to tell her to come over and we slept together and I felt horrible afterward because I knew she was better than that. Better than waiting for someone like me to call on her to be there because I didn't wanna sleep alone. Better than waiting on me for anything at all. I told her that and she stormed out and we've spoken very rarely since. I never went into my relationships with the intent to hurt anybody but it kept ending up that way. From what I hear, she's still holding out some hope that I realize she was the one for me. But so much works against it and I could never go back anyway. I don't like the way I treated her and I don't like who I was at the time we dated and being with her would only remind me of who I used to be. I always tried to force connections or issues in my relationships and that just wasn't the case. You either feel something or you don't.
And now things have become so much more complicated with the baby. I can honestly say I love the mother of my child but I'm not in love with her. I'm not sure I ever really was truly in love with her the first time we dated. We're amazing friends and we have a connection, which is what got us into our current situation. But now we're in this weird place of, 'What now?'. Do we try a relationship again just because she's pregnant? Isn't that a version of 'staying together for the kids'? (Or, in this case, getting together for the kid). I'm gonna be here for her regardless of what we decide to do about us.
Further complicating things is the fact that someone I really care about just came back into my life and it was very weird and very difficult to tell her that I'm expecting a baby with someone else. We've known each other for about a year and we dated about six months before we hit a wall (she has issues of her own). But our time together was amazing, I felt such a calm come over me when I met her. It was just some sort of click when we met. We have entirely too much in common and can talk about anything for hours and not get bored, yet she's not too much like me, you know? It's not like I'm dating myself. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere until I met my first girlfriend and I haven't felt that way since. Until last year with her. But I know this is not the time to give it another shot with her. And that sucks. But I made my own bed on this one.

Father Figure

Lately I've been thinking about what kind of father I want to be. I've had great father figures in my life and have never really missed my own father, who left before we were born. My parents were never married. My father is a musician, which explains his seven children by different women. Other than that, and little things you learn along the way, that's all I really know about him. That's all I care to know about him. I don't hold a grudge against anyone. He left and went on with his life and we went on with ours and that's how it was meant to be. I used to be..I guess you'd say affected by it, but not anymore.
I remember not even really noticing I didn't have my father in my life until I was around 7 years old. We were playing outside with some cousins from the other side of the family and one of them, (who constantly insisted on ruining the younger kids lives), started this whole big thing about how no one in our side of the family had both parents around. My mom heard it and a few days later took the three of us to a park and explained who our father was (he happened to be in a newspaper with his band at the time) and that he wasn't around but that it had nothing to do with who we were. Also in this conversation, she told us my younger brother was only our half-brother and that we all had the same father but his mother had passed away during childbirth. Thankfully, his mother had befriended mine (they kinda had a lot in common, eh?) and when she passed away, my mom adopted my brother. We all took it pretty well, all things considered.
A few weeks later we all got to meet our father for the first time. I remember he had this old car and we all piled into the back and us kids were pretty much silent most of the ride. Come to think of it, everybody was pretty silent. We talked to him very little that day but he left his phone number so that we could call him. Mom made it very clear that if we did call him, it had to be from our bedroom and we couldn't tell my grandma because she hated this man with a passion. The phone calls lasted maybe a few months and then nothing. That was the last we ever heard from him. As for child support, I don't know why he never had to pay it. God knows we coulda used it after my grandma died. I remember having to take a blood test when we were 12 to prove paternity but apparently that went nowhere.
I really, REALLY don't want to become my own father. For all I know, he could be a wonderful guy and some wires just got crossed and that's why he was never around. I don't know the whole story and I don't honestly feel the need to know it. Ideally, I wouldn't be in a situation where I'm having a child with someone I'm not in a committed relationship with (like my own father) but this is how it is. I wanna be there for everything important in my child's life. I want her or him to know that I could not be happier about having them in my life. I wanna be good at this and part of me worries that I won't be. But I'm gonna try.

Never Married

I was hanging out yesterday with one of my best friends (who has had some marriage issues lately) and we got into a long conversation. First off, this is the person who I've known since she was born 26 years ago. We've been through everything together (No, we've never dated) and back in 2005 she met my then-fiance's brother and they hit it off. Very well, apparently, because through all the madness and insanity going on that year, no one even knew they were dating. Seven months in, they started living together and became engaged a few months after that. Before they'd been together a year, they got married in Mexico. She didn't have a maid of honor, she had me as her "best man", and I thought I was cool with it. Maybe part of me thought it wouldn't actually go through, she's been serious with guys before and it always imploded. So when the day finally came, I attempted to lock her in a bathroom so she wouldn't leave me. lol. It didn't work, they got married anyway.
Our talk focused a lot on marriage and what it means and all that stuff. She's always, for as long as I can remember her knowing how to speak, wanted to be married with kids. She wanted the whole fairytale wedding and such, and she got it, it was very beautiful wedding. When I was younger, I thought I'd get married and have three kids and this would all take place around age 22 and that'd be it. Then, I turned 20 and was in a very stable relationship that was, by all accounts, heading towards marriage. Though, now I only wanted two kids. Then came the accident that turned everything upside down and, when I finally thought about what I really did want for my life, I started to question why I wanted to be married in the first place.
I was sooo out of it last year, I just did a lot of nothing for awhile. And then, late last year, I got a new job and I moved to N.Y. for good, instead of bouncing between N.Y. and home. It was amazing for me because it was this whole new way of seeing things. I've been on and off with a few people this year, mostly ex's, and it's all been because I didn't wanna be alone. If you're alone, then you start to think and the more I thought, the less happy I was with myself. So I just went around and did what I could to avoid getting into deep thought. Then, I came to realize that I'm not afraid to be alone anymore and it doesn't bother me all that much to have to think of where I've been. Maybe it's my faith or maybe it's just that I know I can find other ways to busy myself so I don't have to think so much and therefore being alone doesn't have a negative connotation to it. Finally figuring that out made me much happier as a person and I finally turned away from the parade of ex's and stopped the self-destructiveness. And, in all honesty, I started hanging out with the future mother of my child again because I was afraid to meet someone new for fear that my old ways would continue and it'd be an "until I feel we're done" situation and I'd hurt her.
Yesterday I woke up with this feeling, like the skies are going to clear. They haven't been clear for years now and I've been waiting for a change and it's finally happening. It's more than I expected with the baby and all but I feel like I can actually do it and be good at it. It's just finally settled into my brain that I don't want to wait on things anymore. Everyone's concerned with finding "the one" and then having the family and the so-called happy life. I used to be too. But now I know some things for sure. I know that I don't want to get married anymore. I don't need the rings, I don't need the contract and I don't need the seven years or whatever that it adds on to your life. I will be committed to someone for the rest of my life (besides my kid) but I won't walk down an aisle. And I won't change my mind because she wants to be married. I know that I am a quarter of the way through my life on this earth. I'm alright with that. The first 25 years were good and bad and everything you could expect, but I got through them and I do feel stronger. I know that in 2011, I will be 30 years old and I'm not dreading it. Your perception of what's considered "old" changes with every few years but I've never thought of your 30's as being old. I know I've done a lot of growing up in the last few years and I'm probably already mentally into my 30's. I'm ready now to be a father and I understand that I might have to pull my foot off the pedal on my career some to be a great father but I'm willing to do it.
But it's nice to know so many things for sure now, instead of the constant indecision I seemed to live with before all this. I hope the clarity lasts.

The Brigade

I've always been convinced I have the best group of friends in the world and I feel even more strongly about it now. It hasn't been the easiest week for me and for the past few days I've been pretty much avoiding everyone I can, working mostly from home. (Well, not my home, but my girlfriend's place). Yesterday was probably the worst day for me, so far. I hope it was the hump I needed to get over and now I can move past it all. Anyway, the girlfriend and I had plans to just have dinner and then chill out and the couch and watch t.v. all night. I took a shower and when I came back downstairs, the crew were all sitting on the couch demanding food. lol. Everyone had dinner and watched t.v. for what seemed like hours and for those few hours, all was right with my world. It was the only time this week that about half my brain hadn't been devoted every second to what's been going on. It was great. At some point during the evening I got to talk privately to just about everyone and they all made sure I was doing alright, without actually bringing everything back to the surface. I appreciate that. I love every single one of them, they're my family. I can think back to the top five moments in my life and one or all of them are a part of every single moment. One of these people in particular has become such a major part of my life and I never would have imagined we'd be where we are now. First off, he's a die-hard Yankees fan and you know I hate the Yankees. lol. But once you get beyond that and all of the outer stuff, he's one of the best guys in the world. I never really had a big brother, but now I know I do. We met back in 2001 and I guess it was just in time. My accident was just a year later and six months after that, he was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Thankfully, he beat it and he's in remission now and has been for a good amount of time. We grew up on different coasts but still have a ton in common and I know most people who meet him but don't know him assume he's a totally different person from the reality. He's the epitome of the whole 'Don't judge a book by it's cover' saying. He's probably been my best guy friend during these tough years and we harass each other and such, like you do with siblings. But we both know that when it all comes down, we're not gonna even have to ask for one another to be there.
I've had so many good friends come and go throughout my life. But this group is full of the people I cannot pay to leave me alone. (Okay, maybe most of them would, if the price were like way high). They're the ones who are going to be there when I go through my whole mid-life crisis. lol, They better be, they were there for the quarter-life one. I'd even venture to say we're all gonna end up wreaking havoc at the same retirement home. lol. Can't wait.

Maybe It's Not Over Yet

Last year, I thought, was probably my lowest low with everything that went on and that I had to get over. Five really bad years and then I was over it, for the most part, at the beginning of this year. Now I'm not so sure.
I was happy and I was with someone who loved me. But, as always, self-sabotage reared its ugly head and that was the end of that. I've fallen into bad habits with relationships again and I don't know how to feel about that. I was convinced things had become better in my life and I know now that they are better than the lowest point. (And the baby is an obvious bright spot, no doubt). But I used to think they would be the way they were before I nearly died and it doesn't work that way. It's hard to keep on when you lose people or you have to leave people behind for other reasons and it just chips at you and chips at you until you finally break. The last time I broke, it lasted a year. I won't get that down again, I can't and I know that. It's too far back to climb to get to some sort of normalcy. I know part of my problem has been stability and...I just can't do it anymore.

She passed away yesterday afternoon on her own and I haven't thought about anything else since I heard. I decided not to go down and see her because...there was/is just a lot of things that need to be sorted out in my head. I had a day off and I spent it with friends trying to not think constantly about what was going on. It still came up over lunch but what can you do. I got home late and had a message on the phone that she was gone and it just..ugh, I don't know. I didn't feel like doing anything all night so I didn't. I was up most of the night, not alone, thankfully, but I just feel like hell this morning and God knows I look like it. I wish I could call in and just lay around the house but I can't.
The worst thing is that I can't get past the fact she died alone. I mean, not in the hospital, she had one of her daughters and grand daughters there with her, but at her house. They almost couldn't get her back and they believe at least two of her organs had failed by then. She was technically brain dead already and I think once the brain is gone, you're gone essentially. She deserved so much better than that. She has six daughters, all in different parts of the States and only the one who lives in the same town bothered to show up. That's just wrong. There isn't going to be any kind of service, apparently, because she donated her body to science. That's been keeping me up too. Not that I have anything against science, but I've seen what happens after a body is donated.It's just frustration. I'm tired of losing people and I'm tired of always being the one that everyone has to worry about. And I know it has to change...

A Very Bad Year

I hadn't really thought about my year so far. But next week is October and before you know it, the holidays are going to be rolling by and it'll be 2008. Professionally, it's been a wonderful year for me. It's been an assurance that I made the right decision. Personally, it has been hell. My great grandmother passed away earlier this year. It wasn't completely unexpected, she was in her 90's. But because of other feuds in the background, it made it an even more stressful time. My grand grandpa has had a really, understandably, tough time since she died. He basically took care of her the last years of her life and then suddenly there was no one to take care of. He's currently being bounced between family members until he decides where he wants to live. I know most of us would prefer he go back to Texas with his siblings. Others, the side of the family we don't speak to anymore, would rather he just call it quits so they can take his money. Unfortunately, he lives about half the time with one of those members of the family. He's had injury issues off and on since his wife's death.
Just a month later, my great aunt, who I'd spent my early summers with as a child, passed away. She'd been in a home for several years and was, unfortunately, robbed blind by this other side of the family. They took the house she'd lived in forever and anything else they could get their hands on and left her to rot in a home while they bought million dollar homes for themselves and their children.
Last night I got more bad news on the personal front. My surrogate grandmother is in extreme critical condition at a hospital back home. She was found not breathing and, as of this morning, is believed to be brain dead. I'm waiting as I write this to find out if they've taken her off life support. I have the option of going to see her before she passes. The doctors are trying to figure out why she stopped breathing before they let her go. She hasn't had the easiest of years recently. She was my grandmother's best friend for a long, long time. They raised their kids together, in the same house at one point. They lost touch for awhile and after my grandma died, I spent my summers with the surrogate. It was a lot of making up for lost time and I loved every second of those summers. Looking back, some of them were almost enough material for a book. They say kids can sense more than adults think they're letting on and it's true. This woman had a tough life. She'd been to jail and had familial issues. But through it all she maintained this sense of...togetherness, in my eyes. If you knew her at all, you could always tell when things weren't quite right but it didn't matter. She is one of the few people on this earth that I've met who doesn't judge someone at first glance or even during a first conversation. She has one of, if not the, biggest hearts I have ever seen in another human being. She was a fun mother and an amazing grandmother. She was bedridden for many of those months us kids spent with her and I remember every now and then she would feel good enough to take us out somewhere. We'd all pile into her Cadillac (she LOVES those things) and head out to wherever we could. It was always an adventure. I remember the last Christmas I got to spend with her and the family. Someone found this stupid game where you place these hand-shaped things on your lower back and a post connects your side to the other persons. There was a dingy type thing in the middle and you had to move your hips to try and get it to rotate. It was ridiculous but everybody took their turn on that thing. It was a fun holiday for a lot of reasons. Probably one of the best I'll ever have. It was never about money with her, and God knows she never had much, it was about caring for people. I have wonderful memories about those days. But now I feel guilty. Once I was stable financially, I started sending back money to help her out. But I found out the money was going to her boyfriend and to alcohol for the both of them and I had to stop. It was a tough decision because you want to help out anyone you love. I called, I tried to once a week. But soon, the calls became bad. She was either drunk or completely hung over with slurred speech. Then, there were times when I would feel picked on because she would bring up something about my life that I didn't want to talk about and it would progress from there. I never knew if it was her or what she'd been drinking but it was enough to make me stop calling altogether. The last time we talked was almost a year ago. I was about an hour away from my hometown and I called to tell her and said we'd been down one day soon and we'd go to lunch. But then I got a job in New York and things got hectic and such. I wanted to call and I wanted to see her but I kept thinking of the hurtful things that had happened and not the good from years past. Then, when my great grandmother died, there was a huge funeral back home because, love her or hate her, everyone knew her and wanted to pay their respects. I didn't go to her funeral. Partially because I was sick and partially because I didn't wanna face the other side of the family. I don't hold grudges, it's a waste of energy. I just did not want to see any of them. It was because of them that my mother spent a week in the hospital when I was 13 years old and she still feels the effects of everything that went down. I hear I was missed at the event, most notably by my surrogate grandma. She wanted to see me and talk to me and I wasn't there. I'd been hearing the past few months from my cousin how bad she was doing. It always weighed heavily on my mind. This amazing woman has been in my prayers every night since those reports started coming in. I've never really been one to sense deaths and things coming on, that's my mother's talent, but the last week and a half I have had this overwhelming sense of...I don't even know the word. Doom? I've had a feeling something was going to happen to her and sure enough it has. I've been debating whether I should go see her tomorrow, if she's still being kept alive. When my grandma died, I was 9 and she suddenly worsened overnight and everyone rushed to the hospital. I remember hearing the words 'she didn't make it' from my aunt and just feeling numb. I had been extremely close to her and I always felt guilty for not feeling enough at that moment. I guess it was more disbelief than anything else. I had a hard time sorting my feelings after that and I thank God for my Godmother because she walked the halls of that hospital with me and talked everything through, even though she'd just lost her own mother. They gave us the option of seeing my grandma after she'd passed and been taken off the tubes. My mom asked the three of us (my sister, brother and me) if we wanted to see her. I said no and so did my sister. My mom said she wouldn't go either, if we weren't. My little brother wanted to give her a last kiss. He went with my Godmother. I didn't want to remember my grandma hooked up to machines and cold and lifeless. I wanted to remember the good and I do most days. That's why I don't think I want to see my surrogate grandmother tomorrow. Part guilt and part wanting to retain the good memories and not the bad. And funerals...I've been to way too many in my life and I don't know that I want to go to this one. I've got that same numb feeling I had when I heard my grandma passed. And this time it's worse because of the guilt and because I know the rush of things that are going to hit me all at once in the aftermath of all this. I'm glad I have the people in my life that I do to help me through it and especially thankful for one in particular. The live keep living, as they say and I know this is going to be a tough loss but not my toughest. Losing my best friend/girlfriend was the one that made me wanna die. I know now that I can keep living and that I want to keep living. But...why does my family keep taking so many hits lately?

The Difference Maker

One of my best friends on this planet is a person I met when we were in junior high. I sat next to her in Spanish and her older sister sat in front of me. We were all bored out of our skulls because we already knew the language and just took the class for credit. I remember it was the beginning of the school year and I leaned forward to talk to her sister. She introduced us and we hit it off right away. She's one of those people that makes your day better just by being around, and we got to spend most of the afternoon together today. There are a million reasons we get along so well and so many things I just adore about her, but the top thing is her laugh. I can't even describe it but, my God, it's just the best laugh I've ever heard. She knows more than anyone what I went through when my engagement fell apart because she's been through a very similar situation. We've never dated but we have flirted with the possibility. Yeah, it could've worked out once upon a time, but I think she's always known who she really wants. And finally last year he realized it and they've been pretty happy since then. I admire what they have. They're in the same profession, they've been friends for over a decade and even though they're different personality-wise, it always seems to balance out.
I've been in relationships with people who were just like me and some who were exact opposites. I don't know why, but it feels like I've worked, or had to work, much harder when I've dated someone like myself. I always thought it'd be easier that way, because if you're alike then there's less to understand. But that hasn't been the case. I don't think I have a "type" that I really look for, in terms of personality. Looks, obviously, yes, lol. We all know that story. But as long as she has a great sense of humor and doesn't take anything too seriously, we're good. I've only dated two or three women who could actually make me laugh, instead of me always being the one to throw out a smart ass comment. Last year I dated someone who is about eight years older than me and was someone I never even really considered a friend until the accident. We met nine years ago at work and got on pretty well, but life takes you down different paths. We worked together again in 2001, but didn't get to spend much time together because of some outside issues. Then came the car accident and hospital stay. She visited me about a week after I woke up. I remember it clearly (which is rare) because she came in with this giant Taz stuffed animal and a huge, like, 8 pound box of chocolates.
"I brought you Taz because I know you love him. And chocolate because it makes everything better."
It didn't make everything better, but it made the day more bearable. That was the first time we got to have a conversation at length and it was wonderful. Six years later we were tossed back together and got to spend some time working on various projects. She'd been in a long-term relationship that ended badly and to say she was bitter is the understatement of the century. lol. She let it be known she was this close to being through with dating altogether. About a month after we started working together, I started to get all nervous around her and I didn't know why. We'd grown closer and spent a good amount of late nights finishing up some stuff but I never thought I'd feel anything for her. Yet, here I was like a boy just hitting puberty, having all these weird feelings. lol. I should point out that all of this was out of character because I've never gotten nervous around women in my life. I finally asked her out and we dated for a good four months or so. She made/makes me laugh, challenges me in so many ways. We took a break because I just couldn't handle a full-on commitment at the time. It's not completely done and we're still friends.
I don't know if she knows that she made a huge difference in my life by bringing me chocolate. But it wasn't just that, it was our conversation that day. I needed to talk to someone who knew me but wasn't as close to the situation as most of my friends were. She just listened. She didn't try to interrupt or tell me how I should feel, she just let me vent. She still does. I'm glad I met her when I did and I'm glad she's the kind of person who's there for you, whether or not you know it.

Role Models

I was talking to one of my best friends today and it got me to thinking about role models. I've had some incredible people in my life through the years, and I've looked to different ones for advice on different things. Career-wise, I've learned from the best there is and I'll always be very grateful for that. I love my job and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Marriage-wise, well, I've not been as lucky.
I come from a big family. My grandma had seven children; four boys and three girls. I spent the first eight years of my life living in a two bedroom, one bathroom house with my grandma, mom, uncle, sister, brother and cousin. It wasn't bad, actually. When you don't know any different, it doesn't really bother you. My uncle is a single father and from the second my cousin was born he became completely focused on him. My mom is also a single parent of three kids and she did all she could for us. She still does. My uncle didn't go out much, but my mom would go out every now and then and try to have a personal life. She became engaged when we were six and my brother was five and her fiance just adored all of us. He couldn't wait to become a full-time father to us. Before they could set a date, he was killed in a hit and run on his way home from work. Obviously that was a big blow to my mom and things only got worse when my grandma died a few years later and it sent our living situation into total chaos. My mom's always been a wonderful role model on life in general. She's found the humor in just about everything, good or bad, and that's something the three of us all have inherited. She's never been married and yet she probably has the best views on the subject of anyone I know.
My other two aunts have had very different marriages, and their twins ironically enough. One was married years ago when my cousin was born and the second he knocked her around, she left him and took the kids. The other has been "married" for nearly 30 years to her "picnic sweetheart". They met when they were 17 at her best friend's family reunion and they have two kids and are ridiculously happy. Married is in quotes because they never actually filed any paperwork. They just had the big wedding (well, as big as they could at the time) and a family and never really felt like they needed anymore than that. They've had their issues but they've never considered splitting up. They always talk about being a team and working against the issues that come your way, instead of against each other and it obviously works for them.
The second youngest of the boys married twenty-some-odd years ago and they're happy. My Nino got married a few years ago, in his mid-40's, and so far, so good. That's saying something considering his older brother (the black sheep of the aunt/uncle clan) has been married three times. His first wedding was beautiful, judging from the photos; his second was in Vegas to some woman we'd only met one or two times and no one found out about it until their first anniversary when they had a big reception in the mountains. His current wife is..well, if you know me, you know that story but they go back a long ways and they seem very well matched in the sense that they both think they're right and you're wrong and if you feel otherwise, you just shouldn't talk to them. My uncle is very much like my grandma was, stubborn and "my way or you can go to hell" type attitude. In fact, when my grandma was in the hospital before her death, he showed up unexpectedly and her blood pressure shot up so high and so fast that the nurses were concerned. lol. After she died, he came around a lot more than he used to, usually with his new girlfriend and there were several. Some of them were really great, but you knew in the back of your mind that whomever you were having breakfast with that Sunday would be gone in a month. For some reason, he's the one I seem to think of when I think of marriage role models.
I don't know why he's the one that comes to mind, we're not close, never have been and probably never will be and I'm okay with that. He's the kind of family member that loves everyone in his life conditionally. He's not even speaking to his own children right now because they choose to have a different opinion on things than he does. Not that I blame them, he never was a good father. I've always worried about ending up like him, for some reason. I guess more because of the serial dating than anything else. I'm out of that now, thank God, and that makes me worry just a little bit less. But it still makes me wonder why he's the one that sticks out, when I do have a few other better examples.

My Failed Engagement

I'm skipping ahead in my trail of failed relationships to the one that I know affected me the most. I was engaged awhile back to someone I'd been friends with for about eight years. We met in 1998 and became really good friends. There was nothing more to it, no one secretly lusted after anyone else. She was one of the people there for me when I woke up from the coma. That was a time in my life when I really weeded out who was a true friend and who wasn't, and even found some friends I didn't know I had. She was one of the good ones, or so I thought.
We ended up out on the road together, completely by the hands of fate. She wasn't supposed to go but at the last minute someone dropped out and I had to call her as a replacement. We were thrown together in close quarters and things were sort of falling apart with me and a few friends. We just saw things very differently and we didn't talk as much as we should have. So I turned to the next closest friend that was with me and it was her. We talked a lot, spent a ton of time together and after about a month, we started dating. Well, as much as we could given the circumstances. It went very well. Three months into our new relationship, and I remember this very clearly, we were in a hotel room at like 3 in the morning and she said. "I wanna marry you." Just like that. I was totally blown away. Six months into the whole thing, I proposed. I was sure that this was it.
I was wrong.
We never should've been engaged in the first place. I don't know why she said 'yes'. The little matter of her not wanting to have kids had been a sticking point for me early on since I want kids. But I was caught up in the relationship and decided to overlook that. I didn't think I could change her, I just put that part of my wish list in the back of my mind and forged ahead. So what if I never have kids, that's just how it was meant to be. We were engaged for two months and it was good. Everyone in our families got along and, for the most part, they were supportive. Then, come December of the same year, about 8 months after we'd started dating, she grew very, very distant and we didn't talk much. When we finally did, she said she was done and she left. I was floored and upset and had no clue why it'd happened that way. How could we just be done that quick?
I tried to get her back for a few months and then in March I heard from an acquaintance who'd been unaware of our relationship, that she was seeing someone she'd worked with in the past. And then, I heard she'd been seeing him for six years, but they'd just decided to make it public because he had been married up until that time. His divorce coincided with her leaving me. But she'd been seeing him all along. I went from sad to pissed off. I was more upset that she'd even agreed to marry me, knowing what she was doing, than the fact that she'd been cheating. True, we'd never actually gone through with it. In the months afterward I tried to get answers from her and they were always different; she cheated, she didn't cheat, I didn't understand. And the more I found out about her...other activities during out relationship, the more I fell into a sort of depression. It was like two different people, like I didn't even know this woman I was in love with. And just thinking about the real her and how she could do something like that made (makes) me sick. I didn't date for a year. I hooked up with ex's off and on while I was getting over it. And she continued to see the man who's marriage she'd ended. In fact, they're engaged now and have gone on about their lives as if none of this ever happened. Isn't that funny.
I used to be upset, even after I'd moved on, which took a very long time. But I don't know, I guess you realize that they'll get theirs and you move on. And I know things aren't as good as she lets on. I mean, once a cheater, always a cheater and they both did it so...whatever comes her way, she deserves. I don't usually think about it anymore. She's out of my life and I'm happy and I'm so glad I never married her, since I don't think I want to get married period. I learned from it. But I still wish it'd never happened.

Pregnant, Engaged, Married

It wasn't until the last week or so that I began to think about where some of my many ex's have ended up (probably because of where I now find myself). More than half are engaged or married and a good few are pregnant or have kids already. It's not a total shock, I mean, most of my ex's are in their 30's and 40's (all except two of them, I believe). But this whole thought process comes from the fact that one of those who is expecting has an amazing effect on my life the last few years.
We met way back in 2001 when she happened upon a shoot I was a part of and we became friends. It was a fairly close friendship from the start, we had a lot of the same interests in where we wanted our careers to go. A while back I was coming off a broken engagement and she was there for me. A lot of people were there, but she's the one that helped me see everything very clearly. We had..I guess you'd call it a "fling" but it was more of a relationship than many I've been in. She's 16 years older than me, but it's never been a problem. We talked, a lot, about everything and anything I was going through. She had her stuff together, she wanted to be there to help me through a hard time. And she did. It was like having a therapist on call all the time, except she actually cared and actually knew me. I worked through so much during our few months together. She gave me a lot more than I'm sure she knows or would admit to today. She's due next month with her first child, a girl, who'll be my Goddaughter. I can't wait. I know she'll be a wonderful mother, she's one of those people who was just born to do that. And I will never be able to thank her enough for what she did for me.

The Accident

So..the big change. I was 21 when the SUV (read: death trap) I was driving was hit head-on by a drunk driver on a back road. It was about twenty minutes or so before anyone drove by and found the scene and called 911. The drunk driver died on impact. I got extremely lucky, which I didn't really realize until a few years ago. My left leg was mangled, to say the least. They made it very clear that they were doing what they could to make sure I didn't lose it, but the possibility was there for seven months and 18 surgeries. Fortunately, it worked out well enough that I still have it and, aside from the occasional bad day, it's in good shape. I head brain injuries and lost a good portion of my memory, which does get on my nerves but at least I still have a memory, right? Other than that, it was a lot of cuts and scratches. I was in a coma for two weeks. I was in and out of the O.R. for pressure on my brain. I woke up and it was just..a lot to take in. After I woke up, I focused on recovering as quick as I could because, for some reason, I thought that would change everything. That would bring back the girlfriend I lost. And of course it didn't.
I was in therapy for months, too many months. In a wheelchair, then on crutches and finally a cane. I became the one everyone was worried about in my family and I'd never been there before. I didn't like all of the offers for help or the "Are you okay?" comments, even though I knew they meant well. I put everything that happened that year on the back burner and threw myself into work. And then into relationships where I didn't apply myself much. And if I did, which was very rare, it didn't last long. I didn't even start to deal with any of it until last year. When I did...man, did it take a lot out of me. It still does to think of the enormity of it all and think of how early in life it was when it happened. The one thing I have come to terms with is that I was involved in an accident that killed another human being. It wasn't my fault, I know, and he chose to drink and drive, but it's rare that the so-called "innocent" party survives and the person who was drunk doesn't. Honestly, I wish he had survived too. Not so I could see him be punished or anything like that. But because I have spoken to his family and I know that, besides that one horrible error in judgement, he was essentially a good kid. And he was a kid, only 18 at the time. He was coming back from a graduation party. Everyone who loves me can't understand why I felt the need to know about him or why I don't feel any anger towards him. I can't really explain it in a way that'll make them understand. I guess part of it is the fact that we all suffered the aftermath together, they got the worst of it, I slept through the touch and go days. But only the other driver and I were actually there for the impact. And I don't remember any of that. I don't remember the day before that.
I know the two weeks I wasn't here were extremely hard on the people I love. Probably harder than it was for me to come in and out of so many procedures. I wish they didn't have to deal with all the uncertainty and with the aftermath of the last five years and my trying to cope. I know they don't mind being there for me, but, in a way, I don't like to burden them with just how bad some of the days are.

Oh What A Tangled Web I've Weaved...

So....In the year 2003 I met someone who changed my life dramatically. I remember the first time I saw her, it was something out of a movie on my end. She was coming off of a bad divorce and I was still reeling from the loss of my girlfriend but we decided to date anyway. In hindsight, we probably should have waited for everything to settle but the connection was very strong so we pursued it. It was a very old-fashioned kind of courtship and I really enjoyed that part. We dated for about a year and a half but I can't say it every really felt completely right. And that was weird because I knew from the moment I met her that she was meant to be in my life for a long time, but we just couldn't get it together. I admit that a big part of our break-up was me and my insecurity about our 12-year age difference. But it was also about her wanting to have a family and my not being ready for that at that point in my life.
Flash forward to the year 2007 and you'll find the two of us seeing each other again. Nothing serious, no strings and both in very different places in our lives. And there's about to be a gigantic tie that will bind us for the rest of our lives - she's pregnant. That's right boys and girls, the guy who just began working on himself and his issues will be a father in April. I didn't know how to take it at first but now that I've had the time to process it...I feel good. I feel like the one thing that could possibly make this whole process difficult is...my little problem. Or my major problem, now that there's another life involved. And it's gonna be rough to work it all out in nine months, or at least most of it so I can be a good father. And I know this is not the best situation to bring a child into but this is how it's meant to be, I really believe that. So...fatherhood.

AWWWW....

(Taken from a friend's blog):

The Study of a Love/Hate Relationship Pt. 3
My re-rebuttal...
There are very few people that I can say manage to actually make my day better without even trying, or realizing that they do. All it takes is for a conversation to start...and I know I can count on the joy that was missing from my day will eventually return at some point.
He happens to be one of those characters that I've been lucky enough to find and by chance no less. I get irritated from time to time and I wonder what purpose I have in still being around...(and this is probably the only hang-up I have about this whole thing) because I feel what he goes through and I don't know how to help him sometimes.
I have unshakeble respect, love and trust in this person (believe me he's earned it puttin' up with all my nonsense over the years) and it's maddening...this...wanting to make things better and not being able to...and sometimes I can't help but get the feeling like if the help or opportunities were there, he wouldn't take them. As I said, it's just a feeling of mine...it might not necessarily be fact.
What else can I say? Through all the smack-talking and arguing (which I secretly enjoy) sometimes he's the one that gets me through my day when it all goes to pot...which means he saves my ass pretty much on a constant basis without even knowing it.

The Study of a Love/Hate Relationship Pt. 2

Thus far, I know my blogs have gone in order and followed a pattern but I need to take a second to post a rebuttal to a good friend of mine who posted a blog with this very same title. I don't use names, but she knows who she is.
I don't remember how we met or why we met but we've gotten along well since then. We talk about everything and anything, and she knows...well, enough about me to bring me down quickly should I ever run for election of a public office. lol. She makes me laugh. She makes me mad. She makes me think. Honestly, if circumstances were different and I liked "rookies" (lol, I had to), we could potentially be a good couple.
She understands me and my moods. She doesn't care about my shortcomings or past conquests. She helps me deal with stuff sometimes. We argue quite a bit and probably could argue for hours, if one of us didn't have to stop for food all the time. The thing is, for me, it's not really love/hate or even love/mildly hate. Some days I get up and one of the first things on my mind is what our topic of conversation will be. Other days, I just do not have the energy for the fight we would most likely get into. But those days are few, of late.
I don't know her full, honest opinion of me and I probably never will. I know she cares enough to listen to me ramble some days. And I know that I care, more than she knows, about what she goes through. We joke about who wants who and call eachother names (bastard, rookie, etc.), but I think, when you break it all down, there is genuine respect and caring somewhere deep down. There would have to be to put up with eachother this long.
Bottom line, we fight, and scratch and scream but at the end of the day, yeah, we love one another. Maybe she's still blind to the fact that I am her knight in shining armor but, no biggie, her loss..there are plenty of other maidens in the town square that won't say no. lol. ;p So, in closing to my rebuttal, I will say - 'Let's Get It On' lol

The Intro

Okay, so I've been blogging off and on for a few years now. But I always became too lazy to keep up with everything, between school and work and a, well, very active social life. But this time, I think I can stick to it, mainly because I have to.I love to write and I've had a lot of friends who get a kick out of reading my views on things I've gone through in my life. I don't tend to describe everything in a serious manner all the time. I think you need to see the humor in life, no matter how bad the situation may seem. I've done a lot in life. More than I ever thought I would do, some things I never thought I would do. I've had a lot of friendships and, and many, many romantic relationships.
At first, I didn't think that I'd been involved with anymore people than some of my friends. Then, we talked about all this and well...yeah, I've been around. It's not like I've ever intended to date the whole team, just kinda happened. My weakness in life has always been women. For as far back as I can remember, that's been my downfall. Don't get me wrong, I won't do just anything that walks by, I'm not a "typical guy" in that sense. But if I come across someone I like and she likes me and etc., etc... *sigh* it's always been an issue.
I enjoyed my escapades in the beginning. I was 12 when I had my first kiss. It was akward, especially since she's like a sister to me now. I was 14 when I fell in love for the first time, and this was actual love, we're talking..possibly the love of my life here. She was my sister's best friend and we just clicked from minute one. We spent a long time together. Some people have called it a love/hate relationship, but it wasn't. It was a difficult relationship at times though. She was amazing, but then there would be this other side that came out and it was ugly. I didn't wanna be around her when that side was there. We fought a lot sometimes, we were both very passionate people, but you always knew in the back of your mind that you loved one another. We eventually got it together and spent an amazing, fight-free year together. We were insanely close friends, through everything and anything that came either of our ways. We had the best lunch together one week before she passed in 2002 (the beginning of the worst years of my life, more on that later). She's a big part of why I've become such a great writer in the first place. I miss her. Our kind of friendship is not something that comes along everyday. Maybe it'll never come along again. But I'm glad I had it once in my life. I believe it was the end of this relationship that sent me on the questionable decisions tour I've been on the last 10 years.