Come Back To Me, 90's!

So we've established that I'm old and only going to get older, unfortunately. My day began with a discussion about credit scores and later on I had a discussion Alzheimers. Like...wtf? I remember when convos used to center on random lady friends and how stupid we all were the night before. What has become of our lives, ya'll? Old age really is a bitch. Yesterday I was reminiscing with Agent W as we talked about how we missed the good old days, otherwise known as the 90's. Somehow, I still think the 90's were like a decade ago, instead of - ya'll ready for this - fifteen years ago. Fifteen damn years. I loved everything about the 90's, but TV and music were no doubt the best during that era. "Fresh Prince", "Moesha", "The Parkers", "Living Single", the list of good (and minority fronted) shows could go on and on. And they dealt with the topics of the day in wonderful and believable fashion. This was back when just having a boy in your room was a big ass deal, as opposed to what goes on in shows today between teenagers. The other great thing about these shows is that many included music on a regular basis, as most had at least one lead actor or actress that was a singer or rapper. And that brings us to a topic I could discuss all day long, and that's 90's music. I loved almost all of that too, it was a very diverse decade with something for everyone. A friend mentioned 90's duo Zhané and it was a name I hadn't heard in ages. I liked some of their stuff, mostly the singles, but there was one song in particular that I was hooked on for awhile. It wasn't their most popular single, but I loved the vibe of it and the style of the video. *sigh* I miss you, 90's!

And Your Beautiful Sky, The Light You Bring Falls On Me

Once upon a time, there was a woman named...well, we won't name her but if you know me, you'll know who I'm referring to soon enough. And she was absolutely everything this boy could have ever hoped for. Gorgeous, smart, funny, creative and, in many instances, my voice of reason and my sanity all rolled up into one beautiful package. And I adored her. I was addicted to what we had and could see nothing beyond the perfection I'd found in her. Not that she was perfect to or for everyone, mind you. But she was perfect for and to me. She was the total package, and I was 100% head over heels and hooked. I'd have married this woman in a heartbeat if she'd wanted to marry me, and ya'll know how I feel about marriage. She was the only person I could see myself spending the next 50 or so years with. The only problem was she couldn't commit to the next 50 days, nevermind 5 decades. And that's the one thing that killed all that perfection and the little life we were building for ourselves. I played my part too, but our biggest battle was always against her need for freedom. I have the same need - try to cage me or corner me and I am over and out faster than you can imagine - but hers was different. She seemed to think the only way to live happily ever after was to be a housewife bogged down with a mess of kids, like her sister, who was miserable that she'd given up her dreams so easily. No matter how clear I made it that I was not interested in doing that to her, it never really sank in. That fear ran very deep and maybe it always will in some way (though I hope not in all areas of life as she'll be a mother in a few month's time).

I've found in the years since this relationship that only my first love ever had the kind of pull over me that this person did. She challenged me, she made me grow in so many ways and it was the last time I legit wanted to be a better man everyday so I was worthy of being with her. Past lovers had gotten on me about my use of substances and I either shrugged it off or ended the relationship altogether, rather than listen to them come at me. But the minute I had a slip up with her, she told me it was her or the habit and if I chose her, I'd better not even think of going back to my old ways again. And it worked, I dropped that damn habit like a...well, a bad habit and never looked back while we were together. I freaked about the possibility of having a teenager come to live with me and she eased my fears with one line and a wink, "There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be...it'll be easy". So much of our time together continues to have a positive impact on my life now and for that I am ridiculously thankful. But it's also been negative in the sense that she is the prototype for what I would love to have in a relationship; someone who can put up with me for the next 30 or so years, someone who doesn't want to marry me or yank my freedom away and someone who loves me without conditions. Not exactly the easiest combination to find. And clearly I haven't had any luck recently.

Last year, she and I found ourselves in the all to familiar position of hooking up every now and then. Our relationship had long followed this pattern and it was torturous for me because I'd hope she'd want to make a go of it and be let down almost every time...but that never stopped the hook ups (damn you, chemistry!). Just before the holidays arrived, we officially ended what was left of our relationship after some major stuff went down in her life. It was a lot more difficult than I thought it'd be to sever all ties, particularly the one where we go to each other for advice on really tough subjects. I'm blessed, I have several go to people in my life who continue to dish out advice even when I don't ever take it. But there was an understanding between her and I, almost like she was in my head sometimes and knew exactly what needed to be said. And I could sure use her now.

A few posts back, I wrote about having received some unexpected and unfortunate news over the weekend. To say I haven't been reeling from it ever since would be a lie. I had a million questions upon hearing it, but even now that most have been answered, I still find myself...I don't even know the word. Contemplative, maybe? I felt awful about some of the things going through my head the last few days, so yesterday I consulted a few friends to get an outsider's point of view. The people I went to for advice were quite helpful and straight to the point, which I always appreciate. But I've still found myself digesting the information and I don't know why. I'd assumed that once I got other points of view, I'd be able to reconcile my own and go from there. But I'm still on the fence about a lot of things. Admittedly, when I initially received this news, I didn't know what exactly it meant. I had to Google what was said and only after that did I realize what this person was telling me. It's dipped in and out of my mind since and I go back and forth about how I feel about it. It's not just this issue that's affecting my thinking, but it's a part of it. And the one person I'd love to pour my heart out to is unavailable.

Wedding Bell Almost Blues

The best friend is engaged, but is trying damn hard not to be. She never wanted to remarry after all that went down in her first marriage (which we don't really count, but kinda do, it's this whole weird thing). But H, her fiancee, had his heart set on getting married and having kids, in that order so she relented and they got engaged. I was surprised that she handled it as well as she did. I thought just the ring on her finger would be enough to freak her out and give her flashbacks of the first go-round, but she was doing really well with it. Until recently, that is, when she started using every petty excuse imaginable as a means to pulling back on the reigns of the whole thing. H would like to marry next year, and Y reluctantly agreed to it, but as the time to plan inches closer she finds new and ridiculous ways to put it off. For example, I've spoken before of this weird itch I get on my left ring finger sometimes and how Crazy Aunt thinks it means I'm destined to get hitched someday, while my uncle sees it as the universe reminding me never to get married. Y told me a few weeks ago that her wedding finger itched and maybe it was a sign that they shouldn't get married. Cuz that's a good reason to sabotage your relationship, right? I talked her down but she's continued to come up with new stuff since. Like this:

Y: H and I just had a stupid ass fight and now I'm eating my feelings.
Me: Well, you're gonna be a Mrs. Eating your feelings will be all you have left soon enough.
Y: Haha.
Me: What was it about?
Y: Some chick he invited to come to the wedding. They've been friends for years but she lives in Sweden so I've only met her like once in passing. I don't know why he's inviting people when there isn't even a date yet.
Me: Because he wants a date but he doesn't want to rush you...or fight about it...so good job.
Y: lol What should I do? Leave him and then you and he and Gio could all run off together?
Me: LOL. Fuck you. What Gio and I have cannot be shared with just anyone.
Y: LOL. I don't know, man...think you should all dress up as the cast of Magic Mike 2 for Halloween.
Me: LOL. Haaaaaeeeeelllll NO. Just talk to him, tell him you were an idiot and move on. Life's too short, yo.
Y: After 33 years together, you probably deserve to hear this - you're right.
Me: lol And in another 33 years, you can tell me that again. Now, back to this chick he invited. Is she hot, single...?
Y: LMAO. You're such a whore.
Me: I'm asking for you! So you won't be overshadowed at your own wedding or something.
Y: LOL. "Or something". At least lie convincingly.
Me: LOL. I know, I'm awful. A disgrace to my gender.
Y: You're not the only one considering I can't make it down a damn aisle. 
Me: You're right. You're the bigger disgrace. You should be ashamed.
Y: I should be ashamed?? You're trying to hit on a woman whose name you don't even know lol.
Me: lol Ya'll be funny. Thinking minor details like name and ish be important.
Y: lol Yes, I'm the bigger gender disappointment. Bc clearly you got a handle on the rest of your male traits. You impeccably manscaped caveman, you.
Me: ...I hope H leaves you and you end up alone.
Y: Hey, if I'm ending up there, you're ending up there.

Another pre-wedding crisis averted. On to the next.

Now And Again She's More Than A Friend, Why Don't You Just Throw Me That Line?

Well, this is a timely post considering the last one mentioned her. The Youngin and I spent some time together last night. She needed someone to talk her down from trying to reunite with her doctor boy toy and, apparently, I'm the man for that job, and not just for her. It seems like I've had to break ish down for a few people lately. First, Jude and his she-devil lady friend, then the cousin and now the Youngin. This is how I know I'm old now, because I've crossed the line from terrible advice taker to decent advice giver. And advice about relationships, no less. But I think this is because I learned so much from the BP debacle, and got an especially thorough education in how long is too long to stay in a bad relationship. Not that she was the first bad relationship I was ever in, but she was the one that affected me the most negatively. I now know what that point of no return is in a relationship, so well in fact that I can even see it in other relationships. And I saw the writing on the wall back around the holidays when the Youngin and I ran into each other at a party.

After the Youngin and I broke up, we decided to remain friends. Actually, it wasn't even a decision we made, it just was sort of understood that we'd be friends regardless of anything romantic that had happened or would happen in the future between us. Our whole relationship was so random. Me, king of the cougars, dating someone young enough to be a classmate of the teenager. It came as an equal shock to her as she'd always been attracted to dudes her own age who looked quite different from me. But I was not long out of the BP era and she was a few months removed from a relationship. Since we were both looking to rebound we thought, "Sure, what the hell?" and charged forward. And whilst this decision made me the ridicule of my friends, I'm glad I went for it. She's been a wonderful, fearless influence on my life that I'm thankful to be able to turn to when need be. Obviously, the reverse is also true and she can come to me for whatever ails her. And at the moment, what ails her (ironically) is a breakup with her doctor boy toy. The Youngin and I lingered for awhile, but finally called it quits when she took an interest in the good doctor, someone she saw potential with. I was all for her seeing where it went because, hey, he's he's gonna be a doctor, that's a definite upgrade from me. Things went well with them for about six months and then cracks began to show. He works a lot, which she knew from the start because duh, he's a med student, but it got to the point where they had almost zero time to spend together. He saw no issue with this, believing the relationship was solid and they'd have more time together once he graduates. But she got tired of the lack of time, was becoming unsure about the fate of the relationship and had been considering ending it way before graduation. She relayed all of this to me at a holiday party we were both at a few months ago and I could tell she was torn about sticking it out and the dude didn't exactly help his cause by trying to tell her not to speak to me anymore. If it's one thing the Youngin is not, it's one to be told how to live her life and who she should have in her life. And the doc began to work her nerves something fierce, trying to turn her into an obedient doctor's wife. She finally had enough a few weeks ago and left, though last night she found herself in that all too familiar spot of wanting to breakdown and call him and work it out. Instead, she called me and I slapped that phone right out her hand. I broke it down real simple for her and said if she's not in love with him and doesn't see herself as a doctor's wife, then going back would be a mistake. What she does with that info, we shall see.

The Bad & The Better

It's amazing how little we can believe our worth to be sometimes. And how the people who make us feel so special in the beginning of a relationship can make us feel like absolutely nothing at the end of it. BP and I had a rocky beginning, but eventually settled into a good place. She made me feel like maybe I wouldn't always be terrible at relationships and lured me into this whole concept of a partnership where both parties contribute equally to keep the ship afloat. Yes, that's right, I was a dude in my late-20's who had not yet grasped the concept that both people need to give their all in order to make something last. Granted, she had not learned how to make things last either, she probably still hasn't, but we forged ahead as two people who weren't good at relationships trying to figure out how to make a good relationship. And for awhile, it almost worked. We were great communicators in the beginning. If one of us had a meeting or was out with friends, they'd let the other know what was going on and we'd go do our things and reconnect later on when we had time. If there was a disagreement, and there weren't many at that time, it was quickly resolved because we both agreed it was better to fix it ASAP instead of letting in fester and get out of hand. But so much changed in the time we were together; our jobs, our family situations, health crises. As time wore on, I began to notice the unsavory parts of her personality becoming more prevalent. She'd never been able to listen worth a damn, often twisting the words I said and spewing them back at me in a way that included very little of what I'd actually said. She even admitted to this at one point, saying she knew my words got twisted somewhere between her ears and her brain and she didn't know why this was. It got so bad that I started really saying things slowly and repeatedly in the hopes she would catch my actual words and not some far worse, twisted version of them, but even that didn't work. Communication soon hit a new low. When she began working again, no matter the job, she would be absent all the time and unapologetic about it, telling me in a condescending tone that she was working and that some people have to work all the time, as if I didn't grasp that or have a job of my own. I thought it couldn't get worse than that, but it got much worse rather quickly when she began avoiding me altogether. This was after a million nasty arguments and make ups and break ups, but I never expected her to just disappear altogether. I was the one who had to initiate absolutely everything and if I didn't, she seemed no worse for wear, while the whole thing would weigh on my mind, eat at me and drive me crazy. Knowing that I loathe having this unresolved, she seemed to enjoy exploiting this and began going even longer periods of time without any contact. One day turned into several and then into a week, maybe two. If we did speak, it was literally not even a 20 minute conversation despite us having major ish to work out and almost always ended abruptly when she suddenly got a call she had to take or a dinner she needed to attend. She'd end those convos with, "I don't know" when I asked what we were doing and what came next. All the while claiming she loved me and missed me so much. Sure didn't feel like love though.
During this time, everything was in this grey area and she didn't care to resolve it, so I followed her lead and stopped reaching out. But it took me a long time to wise up and do so because every time I told myself I wouldn't respond or reach out, I turned around and did just that hours later. It wasn't until I stopped that she seemed to grasp how serious I was about being on the edge and about to leave. She tried to claim she thought ignoring me and the situation would somehow make me have a come to Jesus moment, realize I was madly in love with her and commit to her for the long haul and so she stood her ground about "needing" that...but never made the decision to leave when she didn't get it. She assumed not speaking to me, ignoring what I tried to say to her and generally doing whatever the fuck she wanted would produce this result of me realizing I couldn't live without her. Yeah, I don't get the logic either but that was true of many things about BP. Her brilliant plan backfired majorly when I threw the curveball of saying I was going to see other people. She played it off as no big thing and never asked me not to, hell, she never even acted like it mattered so I went ahead with it. Mind you, I wasn't trying to go out and find anyone else, but I wasn't going to turn down anyone that interested me. I was very clear that if she wanted to talk about the state of our affair and/or work things out, she could let me know and I would be open to that, but I wasn't going to initiate a damn thing anymore and I certainly wasn't going to wait on her decision to grace me with a minute of her time like some lost puppy. She stuck to her belief that I would come running back when I saw what else was out there. Funniest thing happened though - I didn't miss her at all. Almost immediately after I decided to, for lack of a better term, take back my power, this calm washed over me. My blood pressure went down significantly, I wasn't walking around with a clenched jaw all the time and I began sleeping a lot better than I had in years. She surfaced with the occasional text, always containing some kind of BS about her uber-busy life and saying she missed me, though still had no idea when her schedule would allow her to work things out. Instead of shooting off a bunch of annoyed or angry texts at the same old shtick as I always had in the past, I started taking it all in stride and being very short in my replies. This finally got her on the phone, but she still seemed less than interested in resolving anything, not unless I had that one big realization she swore was on the way. I firmly believe she dug the ego boost she got from me begging her for shit and when she saw that her grip on me was loosening considerably, she decided she could half ass it and bring me back into the fold. Unfortunately for her, I did not take the bait. Also unfortunate for her was that I finally began following through on dating other people and realized how fucked up my thinking had become as a result of my association with BP. She'd taken me from being this happy, on a high kinda dude all the way down to the gutter of nasty fights and feeling like absolutely nothing and worth nothing, all in the span of a few years. The reason for this was simple, she needed me to be down on her level in order to gain control and to manipulate me into what she wanted me to do and be for her. And it was so subtle that I didn't even realize it was happening until I cared too much, making it impossible to walk away for awhile.
When the Youngin and I first began dating, I was honest about the whole BP thing and how I was single but had this other thing lingering. I wasn't in love, but for whatever reason, I was still hanging on, maybe out of habit. We both knew given our age difference that we weren't exactly going to last for the long haul, so she didn't care what else I had going on. I think she believed we'd be more of a ships in the night situation than anything else, and I probably thought that as well. But we really hit it off and enjoyed spending time together as friends. The romantic part of it lasted off and on for a few months, and sometimes flares up still, but more than anything we've ended up with a wonderful friendship. The Youngin is wise beyond her years, an old soul as they say, and she helped me begin moving on from BP. She did this for no other reason than to see me survive. It would've been easy to chalk my issues up as being too much and walk away and find someone with less baggage. But she stuck it out. And she asked some thought-provoking questions. Why was I in something that was no longer growing me as a person? Why was I wasting my time with someone I knew I could never spend my life with? And most importantly, why didn't I see what I brought to the table in a relationship? My self-esteem had taken major hits from BP, so much so that it was completely foreign to me when the Youngin was nice and courteous to me. When you think about it, that's pretty sad. The Youngin challenged me in so many ways and almost dared me to pull myself out of the hole I was in, helping me along the way whenever I needed it. She was and continues to be wonderful to me, even though I probably don't deserve it.
Not long after the Youngin and I split for good-ish, I began dating Lu, a client of ours. This was an almost perfect scenario for where I was at the time because Lu was in and out of town a lot, meaning we could keep things casual. She was also 20 years older than the Youngin, making us too far apart in age to end up in something long-term (by her own admission). She got a slightly improved version of me than the Youngin did, but she challenged me just as much. By now, BP and I were officially split, though she still contacted me every now and again with various excuses. Lu wanted to know why I even bothered to read the messages, why I didn't just purge BP and her negativity from my life. After she said that, it stuck in my mind every time BP sent me anything and helped me stick to my guns and not respond. I knew it wouldn't take much for her to lure me back into the fold if I let her, she always was a charmer, but I just couldn't be a part of it anymore. Lu asked what came to mind when she asked why I believed BP and I would never work and the first thing that came to mind was that I could never have kids with her. BP's family is a mess and had always given me pause about a future together. While I always knew I could keep Miss N away from them since she was my kid, any children we had together would be a part of BP's family and would no doubt spend time with them. And that was scary as fuck. Lu said that should seal it then, if I can't see myself having a future with this person, even just being myself with this person, then I should let it die completely. And I proceeded to do just that.
I wrote over the holidays of spending time with an ex, K, while I was home with the family. We had a chance run in at about this time last year and while it was just a quick one, it was like all the negativity from our past together dissipated. When we met, she was just out of a divorce and had a young son and I was, of course, a mess. In hindsight, we both should've not been in any relationship. She was exploring being single for the first time since her early-20's and I was, well, a mess. We were bi-coastal with her on the Left Coast so we pretty much only saw each other when she came my way and I didn't ask questions about what she did while we were apart and neither did she. I assumed she was seeing other people, I heard rumors from a mutual friend, but I didn't much care. We had a good time but I wasn't thinking about the future back then. Still, it ended badly when I confronted her about being almost in a full blown relationship with some other dude and her denying it, even though I knew for a fact it was true. I ended it, she proceeded to...well, try and get my attention by resorting to stalker-ish behavior, even though she was in something else. We didn't talk at all until that meeting last year. I think our whole issue was youth and stupidity and it's obvious that neither of us are who we were back then. We ran into each other again over the holidays, this time in our hometown, and hung out as friends and it ended up providing the last little push I needed to leave BP behind. K is about six months removed from the end of an engagement so she knew what I was still dealing with, and that was the loss of someone I considered a friend, maybe even moreso than a lover. In the end, we were little more than strangers but what I was still mourning was the friendship, not the romantic part. She was terrible to me as romantic partner, but much nicer back when we were friends and not yet into the thick of our time together. I was having trouble reconciling this person with the ugly one I ended up leaving behind. K's ex was also a friend and she found herself surprisingly thrilled about the end of their engagement because they agreed to maintain their friendship and had been doing so successfully. She said, knowing what I do now about how BP can turn nasty on a dime, and knowing the company she keeps as friends (they're not the greatest of friends), would I really want to be her friend? That was an instant, "No". And it was like the final nail in the coffin of the BP saga.
All three of these women are still a part of my life and I'm ridiculously thankful for that, as well as Agent W and Y who loathed BP from the start yet still put up with all my ranting about how unhappy I was. These five people, along with numerous other friends and family, are the true examples of loving someone unconditionally, when they don't deserve it and when they don't love themselves enough to leave a terrible situation. I look at how beaten down emotionally and mentally BP had me and I hate that I let it get to such a point. But, as with everything in life, it was a lesson. It took one chick to take me down and give me the karmic ass kick I probably deserved after what I'd pulled in my twenties, but it took a damn village to pull me out of that abyss. BP turned me into someone I didn't like or recognize or want to be, and I wasn't the only one who noticed this (Agent W planted that seed). And it was a long ass climb to get back to someone I want to be, someone I like being. I'm not a bad guy but I certainly felt like it with BP. I felt pretty worthless and unworthy of even the tiniest bit of time and attention, and it still bleeds into my relationships sometimes. I know someday it won't and that BP will be just a negative memory, but I'm not all the way there yet. I can only hope I do get all the way there sooner rather than later.

I'm Hearing What You Say But I Just Can't Make A Sound

I didn't sleep well last night. Or, rather I didn't get restful sleep. Yesterday was...interesting, to say the least. I wrote a few days ago (in a post since taken down) that I asked someone a question that I later realized was none of my business.  They partially answered it anyway,  choosing to save going into detail for a later time. While I respected this decision,  I can't say I didn't feel a little bait and switched because she'd basically dared me to ask, then decided she didn't want to answer. I made assumptions in my head as to what the answer(s) could be, but her reaction and sudden choice to not elaborate made me wonder something fierce about what she wasn't saying. In fact,  two days ago I worried on this very blog that it may be something major, and that worry led to a day of awkwardness between us. But the evening brought a discussion that put the awkward on the back burner,  and led into a pretty decent morning yesterday.  Then we got onto a topic that spiraled into very unexpected territory.  There was this lull in the conversation and some uneasiness,  then she told me she was going to explain why she'd held back a few days ago,  as well as tell me what she'd held back. I said, "Ok...", still half believing I knew what was coming next,  but now concerned it was something worse than what I'd thought.  When she finally came out with it, I didn't fully grasp what she was saying because I'm an idiot, but after Googling the term she used,  everything came into focus.  I went from, "Wait, what's that?", to, "...Ohhhh" in about five seconds. And it's a good thing she kept talking because I actually was speechless for awhile. I chimed in with one line/word responses here and there but found myself having the toughest time processing it. At the same time,  I wasn't judging her or making assumptions about something I truly knew almost nothing about.  I was just...thinking.  I hate to admit it, but mentally it was like a car screeched to a halt and I got very quiet, partially because I didn't know what to say. But I was able to get out that I appreciated her honesty because I'm sure it can't be an easy thing to share with anybody. She encouraged me to ask questions, which I did, to the point of feeling like I was in a living, breathing pamphlet about the subject.  My brain felt like a TV with a scrambled picture - you could hear bits and pieces of thoughts that wanted to come out, but not make out exactly what they were. She said she'd assumed I already suspected what she was going to tell me,  especially after the other day, but I had literally no idea it would be this.
While I respect the courage it took for her to share this with me, and Fonz knows I've yet to share the worst of my own ish with her, I can't help but still feel taken aback by it. I don't think any less of her as a person, nor do I share the view of certain jackasses in her past whose reactions were unnecessary, to say the least. My life has been one big lesson in how a lot of things are out of our control, as this thing was for her. I know it's not something terminal, and I am aware it could be far worse, but that doesn't mean it's any easier to take in. And I wish I could shut off certain parts of my brain that are thinking about things I shouldn't be, things that would be far off into the future should this progress. I've never been in this situation before,  but I don't think I'm handling it all that well. Sometimes I wish it were possible to just remove our thoughts and hand the jumbled mess they can become to another person and say, "Here, sort this out", so they get exactly how we're feeling. If only we could.

Don't Speak, I Know What You're Saying

I was talking to Jude about something when No Doubt's "Don't Speak" came on the radio...on an oldies station. Jude, in his infinite wisdom, decided to remind me that...well, I'm old.

Me: And then Jude decides it's a good idea to say, "Well...it is like 20 years old". And I'm like, "Bitch, who fucking asked you how old the song was?".
G: LMAO. You called Jude a bitch??
Me: Hell yes, I did. I was offended lol.
G: LOL. You and Y have the same M.O. when offended.

He's referring to the following exchange that took place last week.

Y: So, you know how I look all cute today and was feeling good about myself, right?
Me: Si.
Y: Well, there I am feeling good when some bitch in line behind me at Starbucks thinks it's a good idea to tell me I missed a belt loop. Hateful bitch.
G: Hi, I'm the hateful bitch that was behind her and told her she missed a belt loop because I thought I was being a good friend.
Me: LMAO. Somehow...none of this surprises me.
G: LOL. Me neither.
Y: I'm gonna get you a hateful bitch bumper sticker. Bitch.
Me: Methinks someone is becoming a woman.
Y: You want some too?
Me: *sets down he haterade gently and backs away from the beast (who looks like sooooo cute today, btw)*
Y: LOL. Damn straight I do.

I'll Be Sure With You

Growing up, I didn't have a lot of role models for healthy romantic relationships. My mom has never been married and is quite content about it, and the same is true for two of my uncles. One of my aunts got out of an abusive marriage and never remarried, and the prodigal son uncle has been married seven times. One of my uncles is going on something like thirty years of marriage, but what I remember from my younger years about their relationship is how there was a disconnect between his wife and his daughter. They each brought a kid into the relationship, her son lived with them most of the time and his daughter was with her mom most of the time. He embraced her son and treated him as his own but she never really took in his daughter in the same way and the tension was pretty obvious when all were in the same room. Another aunt has been married for 33 years and they've bickered like an old married couple for about 31 of them. That's one of two examples of a good marriage that I grew up with. But the other one is by far my favorite.
My great grandparents were married for nearly 55 years. She had three kids from her first marriage, but it was difficult start for them because her ex was an abusive jackass who had taken the kids and filled their heads with lies about why their mother wasn't around. He claimed she didn't care about them anymore and did his best to poison the well, when the truth was that she was trying to get on her feet and be able to take care of them as a single parent, back when single parenthood wasn't the norm. Eventually, she accomplished this and got them back but the damage had already been done and would cause issues for years to come. A few years later, she met grandpa and was sure it wasn't going to last because of the kids and the ish that lingered between them. Gramps was ridiculous; funny, a hard worker, and had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known, or probably will ever know. He was what you'd call a catch. And it wasn't long before she reeled him in. He brought a kind of calm to the family drama she had going on and charmed the kids, almost grown at this time, to the point where he asked them if he could marry their mother before he proposed to her. His presence in her and kid's lives helped mend fences and our family probably wouldn't be the same without that. Instead of having this wonderful guy to grow up with and look up to, all we'd be able to say of our biological great grandfather is that he was a drunk and an abuser (though we do still owe him thanks for the alcoholic gene, I guess). The wedding was no-frills, but the relationship was magic. They watched grandkids, great grandkids and even a few great great grandkids grow up together. There were some tough losses too, two of her kids died and my grandfather, Gramps best friend from the time he entered the family, died young and suddenly. But they persevered. Grandma was a VERY strong personality and wasn't always the easiest woman to live with, but she was it for Gramps and he never left her side. She was about 7 years his senior so as they got older, he did most everything around the house while taking care of her. When she passed away, something in him just wasn't there anymore. I remember talking to him a few months after she was gone and this guy, then in his late-80's and still having trouble coping with the loss of the woman he loved, asked me, a youngin, if it ever gets easier once you lose someone you adore. I told him I didn't know because, at the time, I didn't and because I lost someone after less than a decade in each other's lives and couldn't fathom spending an entire lifetime with a person who suddenly wasn't there anymore. If he were around to ask that same question now, my answer would be quite different and quite simple, which is no, it never gets easier. It's never fully healed and they never leave your thoughts or your heart, but you gotta move on somehow. Unfortunately, Gramps had a very tough time moving on, not that he got much help in doing so from the bastard side of the family that appointed themselves his caretakers (they were after his estate). Grandma's death was the beginning of a long, slow decline in his own health that culminated in his decision to forgo any life-prolonging measures and go be with the woman he loved. And though he was 90 years old and had lived such a full life with tons of love both given and received, it did not make the loss any easier. I still miss him years later and keep a prayer card from his service in my wallet.
Ideally, we'd all end up in relationships that go the distance and truly last a lifetime. But realistically, it's hard to make something last that long. At a certain point, that drunken, falling in love feeling subsides and you see the person for who they are; all of their bad and annoying habits, all of their secrets, how they handle problems both big and small. Things settle and they end up in a rut if you're not careful about it. The trick isn't falling in love, though falling in that ridiculous I-can't-believe-my-luck fashion is rare, the trick is staying in love. And that's the thing I sometimes wonder if I'm capable of. Getting into relationships has never been a problem, women have always been and probably will always be my downfall. But staying and working at it every single day sounds exhausting. The other thing that worries me is how Miss N and her future step-mother would get along. I saw what happens when there's a disconnect between step-mother and daughter and I'd never get into a situation like that, no matter how I felt about the woman. Anyone I consider being with long term would have to fall for Miss N too, not just me. And MOC lucked out with Gio, who is just fantastic and adores our girl the way we do. What are the chances that kinda lightning strikes twice, you know? *sigh* I'll tell you this, I should be so lucky as to find someone who will put up with my dainty ass for 55 years.

Hush

You know that post where I said I was keeping questions and ish to myself? Yeah, well, I shoulda stuck with that. But I didn't and now I'm...pensive. I know I shouldn't have asked because A) it was none of my business and, B) it wasn't my place to bring it up. But she gave the impression that it was okay to put forth any questions I had. Still, I should've known better. It's an interesting dance we've been doing, getting to know each other in the way we have. I often forget that not all topics are on the table and not everyone is as open book as I tend to be about past issues. And some issues are bigger than others, so I get that. But I don't like the awkwardness my questions put us in and a part of me feels like the answers might be major things, moreso than what I expected. But admittedly, I'm not totally sure what to expect as I've never been in the situation before. I'll tell you one thing though, I did learn today that sometimes I should just shut my mouth (a lesson I learn on quite a regular basis but it never seems to take).

Life Could Be Simple, But You Never Fail To Complicate It Every Single Time

Aaaaaaaaaaand now part two of this week's triumphant, okay decent, return to song. My brother...*sigh*...I don't even know what to say about him and his current drama, soon-to-be divorced from his wife of eight years, whom he's been with for nearly twenty years. I remember when his oldest child was born, I thought how fucking lucky he was to be with the love of his life and have a family, etc. Having any of that with the first love of my life was never going to happen since she was already gone so I was a little jealous that he got his happily ever after. But it wasn't long before the cracks in all the happy began to show and it became evident his ambition and arrogance would always come before his new family. I was shocked when they finally did get married but suspected it was purely because the Mrs. wanted to, not because he did. He likes to attribute his going off the rails to the death of our father, but really he had a lot of ish to deal with even before then. And it's never his own fault, of course. The way his life has turned out is attributed to our childhood (which frankly was pretty great so I don't know what his problem is with it), to my sister and I, to his wife and even to his kids at some points. Everyone is against him and woe is him, possibly for eternity now that he'll be on his own most of the time. I wish things would change, if nothing else the relationship he has with the kids and the woman he presumably used to love. But sadly, I don't see it.

Got A Hurricane In The Back Of Her Throat, And She Thinks She's Made Of Candy

Well, I've decided to start doing a weekly song again. I kept up with the first try for awhile, but then life intervened and it became difficult and I gave up (here's a lesson kids, if it gets to hard then you can just give up and maybe return to it later, if you remember). I've decided the first two songs I'll post will be dedicated to two people I no longer really speak to. One, BP, I definitely don't speak to, although she occasionally tries to initiate conversation when ish hits the fan on her end. The moment I heard this song, nearly every word reminded me of her. I mean, the song is about a chick who thinks she's really something when she's really not and that pretty much describes BP. The ego was massive, the expectation for what others should be willing to do for her was ridiculously high, but when you get down to it, she was motivated only by two things: money and manipulation. She wasn't exactly the most caring of people, something that should've been a red flag and sent me running for the hills. But the charm hid a biting tongue, a boatload of self-preservation and an unwillingness to pull herself out of work long enough to ever live her own life. It's not the nicest thing to say, but I feel sorry for anyone who ends up in that kind of vicious cycle. And I'm glad I'm no longer a part of it.

More Than You Think You Are

Ms. K and I were just about to say goodnight when we got into a discussion about being yourself when in a relationship. It's common knowledge that I did not have that luxury in my last relationship, and it's been hit or miss in the relationships before that. Ms. K asked me if I'd been myself with her thus far and my answer was basically, "Erm...kinda?". For the most part, I have. All the makings of my weird ass personality are there and I've been 100% honest about my past ish, as is my policy. To her credit, Ms. K is very easy to talk to and very non-judgmental, but I still find myself holding some things back. There are certain stories I'd like to tell, questions I'd like to ask and discussions I'm interested in having, but I don't dare bring them up. My answer to her question led to a stern talking to about how perhaps I'm not actually destined to be terrible in relationships, but instead am just waiting on the right one to go all in on. I said maybe, but that everything ends eventually and frankly, I spend more time waiting on that end than I do working on the actual relationship sometimes. She said not everything ends, offering up her parents and both sets of grandparents as proof, all of whom have long marriages. She also suggested, and she's said this before, that I'm a better person than I think I am and deserve more than I believe I do.
This was the first time Ms. K took me to task and I have to admit that it wasn't that bad. I mean, I get her point and I sensed her slight annoyance at some of my responses, but I also feel like her comments came from a place of genuine caring, which I appreciate a great deal. That's something that's been foreign to me for so long. After she went to bed, I solicited advice from Agent W about the exchange and, having only heard the cliff notes version, she called me an idiot and said she agrees with Ms. K about me being a decent dude and deserving better. But she couldn't comment on the relationship angle because she's had similar issues to mine and has yet to crack the code herself. After Agent W went to bed (sense a pattern here?), I went back and read some old posts about BP. I'm annoyed that I still post about her, but I think the reason for that is I never really fully dealt with the aftermath of her BS. We split and I went into two more ill-advised relationships, never giving a thought to how the BP saga affected me. And really, all of this goes beyond her but I know a big part of my current feelings have to do with her mistreatment of me. BP was a mean girl, plain and simple. She got off on it and she mistook my kindness and caring for weakness and tried to take full advantage of it. And she got to me. She brought me to my knees, she got me thinking that I needed her when in reality, she never was good enough for me, something everyone but me knew from very early on. I told BP about my past, ish I'd rarely told anybody for fear of judgment, only to have it used against me every time she got upset. And soon enough, I was no better than her in that respect as I started to retaliate with things from her past. The only difference was I said things out of anger, whereas she truly believed the things she was saying to me; about past relationships, about the accident, about what kind of person she believed me to be. I took a lot of crap from her and it wasn't until recently that I discovered how deeply it affected me.
Do I deserve something great? Maybe. Am I better than I think I am? I guess it's possible. I don't need a white picket fence or any of that, in fact I've often thought it's not meant for me, that I had my one shot and I blew it. I love my life most days, it's better than anything I could've imagined for myself, but the one thing missing is the same thing that has always eluded me - contentment. I've never been content in my life. I used to think that would come from a relationship, which is maybe why I went into so many of them, even when it was clear I had no business being in one. And then I realized that may not come in the form of a lover. Or maybe it will, things like this have a habit of coming around when you least expect them to. I read a quote today that said, "Woke up wanting not a thing more than what I have here" and, to me, that's what I assume it must be like to feel content. Maybe believing I deserve that, rather than just wanting it and waiting for it, is the key to actually finding it one day. Or maybe I'm just a fucked up dude pushing 34 who will never get the hang of it and thus end up living the Clooney lifestyle (pre-marriage, of course). And maybe not being totally guarded with Ms. K is also something to think about.

Before You Tell Yourself It's Just A Different Scene, Remember It's Just Different From What You've Seen

It is said that everybody comes with a past, and this is even more true when you're what my mother calls, "older". As we age, we accumulate baggage from various sources; incidents in our past, addictions, kids, divorces, and so on. In my case, the worst of my baggage was on display throughout my twenties, though there was no shortage of women willing to help me work through it. This is why the ladies are the superior gender, because they have patience and they legit care when they see someone who is falling apart at the seams (well, a lot of women do, not all, as you'll see). But with the state I was in, I scoffed at anyone who claimed I had issues and cast them out just like that, usually without warning. It was only a few years ago that I was able to go back to those who tried to help and make amends for how I'd treated them. This decision to seek them out had many reasons behind it, but one reason was because of the BP drama and how she'd treated me. I truly believe that relationship was just karma coming back around to kick my ass for all I'd done to others in my younger years. It taught me so much about people and how some operate on a completely different level, one full of manipulation and egotistical ish. BP is one of those people who wants to fix everything with the quickness, but fails to see that she needs a number of repairs herself. Going into a new relationship, I'm always up front about my past struggles; with women, with meds, with sex, as well as the spirituality that helped me pull through and out of all that. Honesty is always the best way to go but I learned many times that some women just aren't comfortable being with a dude who has a history such as mine. For this reason, I don't just list off my past sins, I also make sure to encourage any kind of questions a person might have about them so everything is out in the open.

A lot of the time, I go into relationships with the mentality that something from the past is going to be too much for the person to handle and so the whole thing will be short-lived. This, combined with my habit of self-sabotage and just not being very good at relationships in general, usually makes for relationships that last four months or so, at the most. I've moved on from the dark ages and my self-destructive tendencies are in check, but it's like my mind still has not 100% caught up and moved on from all of that. Sometimes it still sees me as who I was at that time. Because of that, I wait and wonder when the relationship will end because, inevitably, it has to end at some point. I've rarely been in a position where the person I'm interested in has been through as much, if not more, than I have. MOC's and my first rodeo happened around the time she was getting out of a terrible marriage and at the height of my savior complex taking center stage. I was not yet in the worst of my years, they were just getting started, and I inexplicably thought I would be a good boyfriend. I was a few times. We had a lot to work through because she came from a bad childhood that left her with a penchant for getting nasty whenever things didn't go her way. She also had this idea that I was going to bail at the first sign of trouble, which would become my M.O. later on but wasn't at that time. I remember telling her I would be there no matter what, no matter how nasty things might become. That promise was helped along by us having Miss N, but here we are a decade later, great friends. This was a case of not letting your past ish destroy the future, whereas the BP saga was all about throwing the past in each other's faces. MOC was accepting of what I was at a time when, frankly, I wasn't much, but BP couldn't accept what I was because she was caught up in who I used to be. It also didn't help that she found it acceptable to question my character based off of a couple of threesomes, or laugh at my spiritual beliefs (when she found out I'm a big believer in past lives, her response was, "I just didn't think someone smart and educated would believe in that."). MOC never did that and perhaps that's why our fights never were knock down and drag out like the battles with BP were. 

Though it was a hellish time, I credit the dark ages with opening my mind to just about anything. I don't think there's a past sin or experience someone could throw at me that would surprise me or make me think less of them. While we get through our past experiences, they still have a habit of haunting us down the line. I don't do half the destructive stuff I did in my 20's nowadays, but I'm always very conscious of how easy it would be to fall back into it, which is why I no longer drink and I don't use any kind of painkiller (aside from OTC stuff, only when absolutely necessary). I know if I drink when I'm upset or sad, it makes the likelihood of my spiraling down into something worse much more likely. I'm also aware that even just the prospect of that might make someone decide they're not willing to take the risk and thus, put an end to any kind of romantic relationship. It's the price paid for being so brutally honest about stuff, I guess. I've been pleasantly surprised by someone we'll call Ms. K because, so far, she doesn't seem all that phased by my past ish. Admittedly, I was hesitant about putting all the brutal honesty out there, but something made me feel like it was okay to do so, which in turn made her do the same about her own past. I think she's dealt with a lot more than I have (not that it's a competition, obviously), and I appreciate her honesty about it all. She seems to be afflicted with something similar to me in wondering which past issue is going to be the one to make me change my mind about her, but I don't think there is one that could do that. All that's happened in both of our lives is a part of our stories but, in my opinion, those things don't define who we are today. I didn't know her back during her issues and she didn't know me during the dark ages. And, as a friend once told me, everything that's happened in your life happened for a reason and brought you to who and what you are now. It's easy to get stuck in all that past ish when we should all just be happy we've made it this far.

I Stuck Around, I Did Behave

If there's one thing BP knew how to do well, it was work. Actually, I can't be sure if she was good at her job or not, but she was certainly an expert in putting all her time and energy into it, forsaking all other parts of her life. I'm 99% sure she chalked our demise up to me not being able to "handle" her work schedule, despite me saying several times over that it had little to do with it. When we began, BP was unemployed and reeling from having lost the only real career she'd ever known. This did not bother me and it actually enabled us to build a relationship because she had a lot of time on her hands. It was during this time that BP told me her career had played a part in ending the only real significant romantic relationship in her life. She'd been with this guy, off and on, for seven years, beginning before she landed her last gig and ending just after the gig ended. For the majority of the relationship she was on the road constantly, only coming back specifically to see him on one occasion, when his father passed away. Other than that, he had to take or leave having a relationship when her work schedule permitted. And he happily took it, throwing himself into his own work when she was gone. Regardless of how little they spoke, and it was often very little, he still lined up and was ready and waiting for her whenever she beckoned him. By the time she was relieved of her work duties and into a depression about it, the spark was gone and they split up for good about six months before she and I began.

Hearing BP talk about how work ruled her world for so long gave me pause about our own relationship, and this was pretty early on. So much so that I felt the need to tell her right then that I had zero interest in being in anything where I was going to play second or third fiddle to someone's constant work schedule that had them here, there and everywhere all the time. She swore up and down that it wouldn't be an issue and that she wanted to get out of that previous line of work anyway. And I tried to believe it, But it wasn't long before things changed in a big, bad way. Having turned down a number of good paying gigs that she claimed didn't offer her what she thought she was worth, BP was forced to take a job with a friend's company, flying to different states every other weekend or so to sell a not very good product at trade shows. These trips took about four days each and she was unreachable for nearly all of that time, saying she had to work 15 hour days and then would crash right away when in realty, she was working 10 hour days and then going out with co-workers until very late at night. There were at least two times I had emergency situations and needed to speak to her and she was either unavailable or was mean to me and then proceeded to ignore my messages. When she got back from these shows, she'd sleep an entire day, be unreachable the day after that and then try to talk to me like no time had even passed and all was okay. I have to laugh now when I think back to how I accepted her apologies over and over again. Unbeknownst to me, it was about to get much worse.

Though she always denied it, I knew BP would likely eventually end up in her previous profession. It was all she knew and I knew that familiarity would take her back in that direction. After being passed over for a high paying promotions gig, she got antsy and amped up her efforts to find permanent employment. Around this time, we were walking on a rapidly fraying tightrope, both believing it was worth it to work to save the relationship. But we didn't talk a whole lot and nothing ever really got solved, it just festered. This annoyed me to no end because I'd rather talk ish out, fix it and move on. But her M.O. was to let it sit until I was practically begging for resolution. I think she did this solely because it was good for ego, which was always ridiculously big, but was cranked up another notch when she started working again. And soon she found a new job that took her ego even higher (which I didn't think was possible). She casually mentioned this chick who wanted to have a meeting and discuss BP managing her career. That was all I heard about it so I assumed it hadn't worked out and she never said otherwise, until two weeks later when she tells me she took the job, signed on the dotted line and was leaving to go work with this chick in L.A. This was at least a year into our being a thing and she always preached this BS about being "partners" and going through ish together and communicating, yet here she was giving zero fucks about any of that and doing whatever she wanted. It soon became apparent that this chick, and her supposed endless supply of cash, would always win out over our relationship and that's when I began to disengage. She became a different person the longer she worked with this chick, almost as if all of her bad qualities were being cranked up while the good ones were shoved aside. Her new employer was rude (to EVERYONE, including her own family) and had no patience for anyone who didn't kiss her ass and BP seemed to follow suit. Her go to excuse for everything now was, "I'm working/busy/under it right now" and every brief convo we did have ended with her saying she didn't know what we were doing anymore or what came next. As you know, I'm not one for ultimatums and I never issue them myself, but on this occasion I thought it appropriate and told her that unless something changed right then, I was going to see other people and that would probably spell the end of us. Her reply left much to be desired, she basically said she'd do the same thing, but continued to throw out her dribble about how much she "loved" me and didn't want to say goodbye. Yet she was giving me no reason to stay. I followed through with what I said I was going to do and began pulling myself away from the situation, she continued working non-stop and only reached out to me when the sky fell on her end and she needed support. It was the oddest thing. I could reach out to her for something and she'd be nasty and not really care, but she still expected me to come running when she needed me.

It wasn't until at least a few months later that I realized I don't know if BP understands what a healthy, mutually supportive and loving relationship is. She talks a good game about wanting to settle down and have kids and not end up some career woman in her 40's who pissed away all of that because she was too busy working. But that's exactly the trajectory she's on. For years, all I heard was jibberish about her "childbearing years" and how if I wasn't going to full on commit and put a ring on it, then she was wasting her time. Next month she'll be 37 and totally devoted to her work; no hobbies, no time for friends, no relationship to speak of. I'm sure she still blames me for "wasting" her prime years but it's not like I chained her to a radiator and forced her to stay. She knew from the gate how I felt about marriage and, at the time, that I was on the fence about kids but she charged ahead with the belief that she could change my views on so many things. I think the fact that her last main squeeze stayed and put up with all her crap and her ridiculous work schedule left her with the belief that that's how a relationship should be. You go and do what you want, I'll go and do what I want and if we happen to find ourselves as ships in the night, then cool. It should've been a red flag that she always flaunted how she flew back when his dad died as if it were some big, "look at how good I am when needed" kinda thing. Sometimes your significant other needs you for the little things, it shouldn't take a major event for you to be in the same place together. But I don't believe that she gets that. And that's sad but it is what it is. I couldn't change it because it's something she has to want to change and then follow through with actually changing, and follow through has always been a problem for her. I have no doubt that if I'd fallen in line, kept my mouth shut and played along with her version of the game that all that dysfunction would've continued for a lot longer. The whole thing was not great but I'm glad I got out when I did.

Oh, Kermie

It's not everyday that a conversation starts about a TV show, then veers off into chocolate penis territory with a brief stopover for pictures of Kermit.

Cut & Paste

My cousin is trying to lose some baby weight and...well...then this happened.

Cousin: I lost two more inches!
Me: You know...that declaration would not get the same reaction if a dude said it.
Cousin: lol No it would not. Did you see that guy who got a penis reduction?
Me: I saw the headline but didn't read it.
Cousin: Apparently it was oddly shaped and "too big" so they reduced it.
Me: ...Without being at all specific, how would one go about reducing that particular appendage?
Cousin: I don't know. I guess they just cut the head off, shave off some more inches and then reattach.
Me: 
Cousin: LMAO
Me: That is literally the look on my face right now. And I haven't shaved yet so you can include the beard in that mental image lol.
Cousin: Men are such wusses. Women have breast reductions all the time and they're basically the same procedure.
Me: Uh, it wasn't the reduction that was the problem. It was you nonchalantly talking about hacking the head off and then Elmer's gluing it back on.
Cousin: LOL. Elmer's! At least it's the expensive stuff and not dollar store glue.
Me: lol And how.

John, The Illiterate

Me: Hey gurl, you look the kinda slutty I'd have to buy in stores.
Friend: ...Makes me sound expensive!
Me: I said I'd have to pay for you!
Me: *puts he pocketbook away and goes to look for a less mouthy whore*
Friend: How am I being mouthy? I was expressing my gratitude for your compliment.
Me: Wait...I thought you were telling me to make you sound more expensive.
Me: I can't read
Friend: *closes she legs and goes to look for a more literate john*
Me: LOL. Hey gurl, I can be literate. I'll read your rainbow soooooo good!
Friend: LOL

Pick Me Up

I got some bad news this evening. But a few of my favorite posts that I often go back to read cheered me up. Thank ya'll for being idiots with me.

Midget Tales

Flying Haterade & Ish

Dog, The Bounty Midget

The Original Shake & Bake

Legalese

JuJuJudio

Burnin' Down The House

White People, Man

Smells Like Jicken

You need to know two things to comprehend this conversation:

1) My mom threatens to mail order me a bride at least once a week.
2) For all you youngins out there, Shake 'n' Bake was a product used in the 90's to coat chicken before you cooked it and their trademark commercial had a kid helping shake it up in a bag and then saying, "Mom made Shake 'n' Bake and I helped!".

W: I've found a site where your mom can get you a Russian mail order bride.
Me: LOL. Oh, she'd buy the one with the chicken. Cuz hey, free chicken.
W: lol Right? I thought you'd go for the 2 for 1 deals with the old lady in the mirror cuz hey, you like 'em old.
Me: LMAO. And the second one has flowers and a fucking AX!
Me: Why are there so many in rugs and car trunks? Like, ya'll don't need to go asking for that trouble, ya'll.
Me: There's a show about mail order bride murders.
W: Well we have a picture of the killer.
Me: lol I don't care where a chick is from, I don't want to date one who owns an ax. You and Y wanna strangle me on a regular basis. Can you imagine how quickly my Russian ax bride would hack my smartass to death?
W: lol She'd made a Jeezy and chicken stew.
Me: LOL. Mmmmmm, tastes like Jicken!
W: LOL. She also made Shake 'n' Bake and I helped!
Me: LMAO. I fucking love you.
W: LMAO. I can't breathe.
Me: lol Oh man, that was GLORIOUS.

Good Morning, Charlie...Wait, Who The Heck Is Charlie?

Today, Miss N makes her conversation debut on the blog. And of course, it's a smartass conversation. Color me a proud daddy.

Me: Sorry Charlie
Miss N: My name isn't Charlie...
Me: It's an expression
Miss N: *blank stare*
Me: It's another way of saying sorry
Miss N: Then why say "I'm sorry"?
Me: It's not a way you'd say sorry for something sad
Miss N: *blank stare*
Me: I'll explain it when you're older, ok?
Miss N: Sorry, Carlos
Me: ...My name is not Carlos
Miss N: See!

A Dirty Roll In The Hay

Me: *Gets physical, physical, watch as he gets physical*
Friend: I just pictured you kissing your bicep and pointing at a mirror.
Me: Look, if you want me to be pretty then I'm going to have to make out with myself.
Friend: LOL. Alright you got my attention...
Friend: I need to see this "making out with yourself" you speak of
Me: Oh it's epic. I pull my hair, I slap my ass and I call myself a very bad girl
Friend: Wow. Mine - "That'll do, pig. That'll do."
Me: LMAO. I'm jealous.
Friend: LOL sounds like we should show each other a good time instead
Me: lol That pig business was inspired. Well done, my friend
Friend: lol *bows* A-thank you

[One hour later]

Friend: Whatcha doin?
Me: Thinking about you. Bc I don't want anyyyybody else, when I think about you, I oink and yelllll.
Friend: LOL. That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Rubik's Cube

Relationships. *sigh* ...If I were to die tomorrow, my tombstone would make note of the fact that I was never good at relationships. In fact, it would read, "Supreme gutter brain, decent overall human being, talented song re-writer, but those relationship skills though!". Ironically, I'm more of a relationship person too. But I just can't seem to get the hang of getting that whole thing right. My longest romantic relationship was the first one, which was technically seven years, although some of those were on and off. Then came the dark ages where I went through women at an alarmingly high rate, primarily because whenever I found fault with one or didn't like being confronted about my issues, I just moved on to someone else. Then of course there was the ill-advised engagement that lasted eight months from beginning to end. That experience left me with this mental block of eight months being all I was capable of giving to something. But G would change all of that and completely erase my thinking that I would without question fuck something up in eight months. Once we hit eight months and one day, it was reason to celebrate. The interesting thing is that she was equally terrible at relationships herself, but somehow the combination of us made it work. We went well beyond eight months, only to be foiled by her inability to fully commit and my life responsibilities taking me in a different direction. That was the healthiest relationship I was ever a part of. And since then...well, you know what happened with BP. It's funny...I went into that relationships with arms, mind and eyes wide open, committed to doing things right and fully applying myself for the first time in ages. And look how that turned out. But that was on her, not me so I guess that's something. Sometimes I feel like I can be one of those doting husband/father types and all falls into place and it's great. But the thought of all that domesticity is also terrifying. That's where the other version comes into play and I'm too restless and require too much freedom to fully throw myself into the happy family life. But then I second guess that too because Miss N, her mom and now Gio and I have all settled into a pretty good routine. I am a family man, I just have a non-traditional family. As many an ex have put it, I'm an enigma in that way. But ever the optimist, hope springs eternal and I still want to believe that someday I'll get it right.

Let Me Hear Your Body Talk!

A friend is having trouble with a new tenant on the property and then somehow Olivia Newton-John became part of the convo:

Friend: I'm gonna die one of these days cuz I like to let go of the handles on the elliptical. I like to goof off and pretend that I am running so fast I'm actually moving in slow motion like the Six Million Dollar Man with my own sound effects and everything.
Me: I just try not to die. With my own sound effects and everything.
Friend: LOL
Me: If any of your tenants go cray cray and off you, I'll go on the Investigation Discovery channel and lie about what an awesome person you were.
Me: You're welcome.
Friend: LOL Thanks fucker.
Me: LOL Bazinga.
Friend: You're trying to knock me off the elliptical, you is.
Me: It's another part of the workout. Don't die while I harass you.
Friend: lol Let's get homicidal, homicidal!
Me: Let me hear your body drop!
Friend: LOL. *Thud*

Hump Day Funnies

I recently discovered that "Spotted Dick" is pudding with raisins. Apparently in 18th Century England, "Dick" was slang for pudding. #TheMoreYouKnow

Swallow My Doubt, Turn It Inside Out, Find Nothing But Faith In Nothing

A few years ago, I was single and not in any hurry to get into anything serious. Agent W had just joined a few dating sites and recommended them to me and I decided to take the plunge. Almost immediately, I found the online dating scene to be quite interesting. I didn't have any expectations going in but soon learned how to weed out the people who were boring from the ones I liked. Apparently a lot of people don't even read the other person's profile, they just look at the pictures and then send their message. I got a fair amount of this, mostly in the form of women emailing to ask what my ethic background is because they couldn't quite place it. While that or, "Hey, you're hot" (or more commonly, 'your hot') may be enough for some people, that was never what caught my attention. If the profile and message were interesting, I'd respond. The results were mixed, to say the least. One chick seemed kinda nice, but then her replies to my message would be one line and not all that interesting. I was really digging another chick when she made a racially insensitive joke and that was the end of that. Hell, I even got a message from a dude a few times (my profile listed I was also open to new friendships), one of whom I'm still friends with today. The online dating world is hit or miss.

For all of the people who fell off or the messages that didn't intrigue me, there were a couple of women who stood out. The second message I got after signing up was from someone I ended up dating for about six months. Things fizzled for a number of reasons, but we've remained good friends ever since. That was a good experience. The next one would not be. You know that feeling you get when you just know something is gonna be trouble? Well, I got that with the person ya'll know as BP. She messaged me and we had a nice little exchange so I gave her my email address. We emailed back and forth and then I got involved with an ex and my communication fell off. Something told me to let it fall off, actually. She emailed a few more times but since I was otherwise engaged, I didn't respond. A few months went by and then she messaged me through the site again and we picked up where we'd left off, even though that little voice inside my head was saying, "Don't reply". We eventually hung out, the circumstances of which left a number of my friends telling me to run for the hills, and things progressed from there. Much of what followed was documented here at some point. Things were good for awhile but when they got bad, they got bad in a hurry and stayed that way for days. I remember the first fight we had, it was a minor argument but she went right for the jugular and said something needlessly nasty. It gave me pause and, again, something was telling me to bail. But I already cared about her too much and that made it difficult to leave. And at the time, it wasn't all bad. She was genuinely apologetic when she went off and made an effort to patch things up as quickly as possible. But then after an incident later that year where she said something awful and I took her back, everything changed in a very subtle way. She manipulated the situation in such a way that I didn't even realize it until later on. And my forgiving her for that seemed to make her think she had license to say whatever she wanted to me and treat me badly whenever the mood struck her. You don't know how many times I've wished I'd walked away after that incident and saved myself the drama that came later. I put up with so much BS from her that I'd never accept from anyone else and, as one good friend put it, she dulled my shine. There were numerous double standards and stupid arguments and flat out disrespect in the relationship. She was very childlike in how she viewed some things. She could ignore me for weeks, but then expect me to run to her when she hit a rough patch and needed support. At one point, she issued an ultimatum and somehow thought that avoiding me for the next few months would be the way to make me see the light and bend to her will. What it actually did was drive me further away and made me look at what had become of my personal life. I didn't like who I became during our time together. I was combative and quick to anger and I was uninterested in dealing with her drama, which made things even uglier when she finally did decide to grace me with her time. When I'd finally had enough, I tried to end things in a civil manner but she would have none of that. The extrication from each other's lives was as messy as it gets and for some reason I still cared about her for a minute even after it ended. But not in a way where I'd like to be friends or be in something with her again. It was more like I felt sorry that for all her complaining early on about how she never wanted her career to get in the way of a relationship again, it was that same career that proved pivotal in our undoing. It's unfortunate when someone finds a source of support and love but chooses to walk away from it in favor of a life that doesn't really make them happy.

I thought my association with BP would leave me an emotional mess but the last year of it was so awful that I'd emotionally shut down towards her months before it actually ended. I wrote a long-winded letter to her that I had no intention of sending, I took a trip and upon my return, I moved on. She's popped up now and again with some nonsense about how she still loves me but I know better than to fall into the trap again. Still, our time together is still affecting me in ways I didn't realize. At the beginning of the year, someone else I'd messaged with through a dating site dropped me a line and we got to talking and the conversation has been great. She's great. I think we're both cautiously optimistic about what comes next, but I know I'm more cautious at the moment. It's a fear about a lot of things and I know it's not fully rational. One bad egg shouldn't ruin the whole bunch. People get fucked over all the time and find a way to pick up and move forward, and I will, but I guess it's the idea of being so spectacularly screwed over that gives me pause. There are great people out there who can't even imagine doing half the ish she did, I know this because I've encountered them, and I just hate that the aftermath of her still has some kind of effect.