Aunt Misbehaving

Me: Crazy Aunt told me to stop sexting my ladies on my tablet. I said, "Trust me, when we're sexting, they're not ladies". She said, "Duuuude!" and gave me a high five.
G: LMAO. And then you went right back to sexting the ladies huh?
Me: Waste not, want not, G.
G: lol Uh huh, THAT'S why you did it
Me: I may never do it again now that I know my aunt endorses it. That's like every sext I send having an asterisk and, "My Crazy Aunt approved this message" attached to it.
G: LOL. Aaaaaaaand the ladies lose their boners.
Me: lol And they ain't the only ones.

Sloooooow Hand

Yesterday I burned my hand on the oven (yes, again). I turned to a friend for advice on how to treat such a burn. It went better than expected and brought yesterday's convo full circle.

Her: Ugh...you're probably dead by now.
Me: Psssh, you should be so lucky!
Her: How's the hand, love? Are you still my lovah with an easy touch?
Me: Gurl, I can easy touch ya with my leggo my eggo
Me: LOL Or my left hand. Your choice.
Her: LOL. How often are you telling people to leggo your eggo?
Me: I think I've said it once and yet when I typed, "Le", it went wild.
Her: lol Um...on second thought...if your gizmo has the circumference and inch in length of an eggo...I'ma pass.
Me: lol I said I'd easy touch ya with it, not hit yo snooze button with it.
Her: LOL!!!

Comfort And Joy

This day has been ridiculous. Hilarious and ridiculous. Fonz bless you beautiful souls I'm tethered to.

First off, the gay cousins got awesome news this morning in the form of a call from the state to tell them they will be allowed to legally adopt! It's been a loooooong time coming for them and I couldn't be happier to welcome the newest member of our family, Mr. E, who will be 3-years-old next month. While we're all happy about this, Crazy Aunt took a different view and immediately turned to DMC and his wife, who married a few months before the gays, to say, "See?? Even the gays had a baby before you and they had to go through the state. You only have to go at each other!". Needless to say, Crazy Aunt thinks we need more babies round these parts. Mr. E will arrive home in time for Christmas, which has become a challenge for my mom and aunts. Some people have fancy Christmas trees that look like they came out the Martha Stewart magazine. Our family Christmas tree is made up of ornaments from over the years (some of which have seen better days) and handmade ornaments for everyone in the family that have our first and middle names on one side and our childhood nicknames on the other. They're quite nifty and this year was a bit of a downer because we had to remove a name from the tree (ah, divorce is fun), and now there's a mad dash to make one for Mr. E. 2015, the year we lost an in-law but gained a midget.

Then, this happened:

G: Well this is embarrassing. My mom wants a selfie.

Me: LOL. Told you I'ma be yo step-daddy.
G: lol I was genuinely concerned when she asked. I told her you're all Grizzly Adams now and she said she hopes not because you so pretty. So she wants to see how you look and, most likely, tell you to shave.

Me: LOL. Like it's not enough to have my mom, my sister, Y, the sister-in-law, MOC and Miss N on my case. Now your mom has joined the pride.

G: lol Yes. And she's getting impatient.

And then Chaka Khan took center stage:

Me: So Steve Harvey crowned the wrong country as Miss Universe. And today I found out I'm actually the real Miss Universe.

W: lol I knew it!!!

Me: I've been practicing my wave and distancing myself from my drug cartels all morning.

W: lol Oh sure, now you distance yourself.

Me: lol Don't worry, my reign will probably only last until Steve Harvey is able to sound out your last name, rip the crown off my weave and give it to you.

W: LOL

W: *sends photo of Oprah* You're Miss Universe and you're Miss Universe. Everyone is Miss Universe!

Me: LOL. IIIIIIIII'm every Miss Universe, give that crown to meeeeeeee. Didn't you hear Steve Harvey baby? He crowned me, then he sayyyyyy, "No, no, nooooooo. It's not yo shoooooooow".

W: LOL!

The convo continued on Facebook:

*W posts picture that says, "Who else is walking into 2016 single" with the caption, "I'm not walking. I'm strutting!"*

Me: Be careful they don't snatch your crown whilst you take that strut.

W: LOL It's alright, Oprah done gone and crowned everyone already

And finally:

Me: How you be, gurl?

Her: I hit the snooze button for an hour and gave myself a headache.

Me: *sends photo of a terrified looking Gizmo and the caption, "*Isn't sure if "snooze button" is a euphemism*"*

Her: LOL!!! Well...that does help me sleep...

Me: lol But you don't wanna hit it hard enough to get a headache. #PleaseHammerDon'tHurtEm

Her: LOL Your hashtag

I Don't Think You're Right For Him, Think Of What It Might've Been

After Star Wars rocked my world, I needed a drink. Whilst out on the town with my peeps, we got to talking about relationships and how some of us have learned we're not as bad at them as we once thought. Maybe it's maturity, who knows. But DMC made an interesting comment about how he knew it was time to call off his first engagement. This was eons ago and they'd dated for about six years before getting engaged. They halfway started planning a wedding but something else always took priority so they put marriage on the back burner. Then, seemingly out of the blue, they called the whole thing off and went their separate ways. DMC isn't the feelings-y type so few of us ever got the full story of what happened until last night. He said they'd started living separate lives some months prior to the split, but the realization that it was over came during an argument. She had lunch with an ex and then came home and picked a fight with DMC about it. When he didn't take the bait, she said maybe next time she'd do more than have lunch with the dude and DMC said, "Alright" and walked away. Of course this infuriated her, but he didn't care because he'd realized it didn't bother him to think of her with some other dude. That's how he knew it was time to call it a day. And he did, and she did end up dating that ex for years, which didn't surprise DMC, but it did make him feel some jealousy for a minute. You don't love someone for seven years and not get a little hurt when they move on.
Rarely do I call anyone in my family wise without using the word "ass" in quick succession, but DMC earned a cookie for his brief moment of wisdom. People would leave bad or dying relationships a lot sooner if they stopped and thought, "How would I feel if this person weren't mine? ". If the answer is, "Meh," then it's time to call it a day. I was a mess when my ex-fiancée officially took up with the dude she'd cheated with, but looking back I was more hurt by the circumstances of it. Thinking of her with him didn't provoke any strong feelings of, "I wish that were me with her". I was pissed that she'd moved on first and got to be happy after having screwed me over. But I didn't care who she was banging. Karma was gonna take care of that mess (and it kinda has, I saw a photo of her recently and she's aging terribly #DodgedABullet). I'm not a jealous person but I was jealous of the way it all went down back then. In fact, thinking back on all my exes now, there are only a few I would say I could feel some jealousy about. Not enough to try and get them back, mind you. But if I'd stopped to think about how I'd feel if they weren't mine back when they were mine, it would've made me insane. And it probably would've increased my fight in those relationships, making me do whatever it took to hold onto them. They were no doubt great women. But everything for a reason and obviously we weren't meant to be for the long haul.

Talk Nerdy To Me

I'm not what one would call a "Star Wars" aficionado. I don't even remember the first time I saw the original films, though I am told I was around 10 years old and it wasn't exactly love at first sight. I didn't get it and so I didn't watch them again in their entirety until prequels came out. Even though I still wasn't a huge fan, I did finally understand why they were such a big deal. When I heard a new set of films was on the way, I was meh about it. And then I saw the first trailer for "The Force Awakens" and I was hooked. But I was also cautious because I anxiously awaited "Jurassic World" and it disappointed me. Though I am a fan of JJ Abrams work, I didn't want to see Episode VII screw up an entire franchise by trying to be hip and appeal to the kids. Fortunately, when you have a billion fans who are guaranteed to buy tickets no matter what, you don't have to cater to the kids. And Abrams didn't. In fact, not only did he stay true (and pay homage) to the classic films, but he opened the door for some intriguing future storylines. I expected to like TFA, but it was a pleasant surprise to love it. It's rare that a film nerd such as myself is impressed by a movie, but the film nerd, the Star Wars fan and the movie fan in me all loved every minute of it (though I do think the villain Kylo Ren was terribly miscast). I can't wait to see it again. Other thoughts on the movie and theater experience:

~ Movies are frickin' expensive. As a kid, we'd see movies at the $1.50 theater and I doubt the whole theater experience for four kids and two adults cost more than $25. We saw today's movie early and decided to forgo 3D so tickets were relatively cheap. (Btw, you don't need 3D for TFA. It wasn't shot in 3D and it's not mind blowing enough effects-wise to justify the higher ticket price). I don't drink soda and I don't eat movie popcorn, so I skipped the concession line but noticed the ridiculous prices of ish. Four bucks for a box of candy that cost a dollar at the store. Five bucks for a bottle of water that cost two dollars at a store. My nephews insisted on both soda and popcorn (with they money, not ours) and just that cost over twenty bucks. If a family of six went to see a movie today, tickets alone would be well over $30. Add concessions, even just sodas, and you're looking at almost $75 for a single movie trip. Helllllll no.

~ I don't mind people who save seats for others at big event movies, so long as it's within reason. Saving one or two seats is fine by me. Saving half a row or more is a no go. Ya'll need to meet in the damn lobby if you're gonna do that ish and go in together. This didn't really matter to me today because the dude saving seats was further up than where we wanted to be, but it was still annoying. Also, if you're gonna bring a big family or group to a big event movie, do everyone a favor and show up mofo early. We had a decent sized group and got into the theater 30 minutes early to make sure we could choose good seats. Not ten minutes after that, the theater was almost entirely full with just a few stray seats available. Then, in walks a family of seven who were just shocked that there were no seats together for them to take. After that, a group of six walks in and is equally shocked by the lack of seating. After the previews began, someone on the other side of the theater needed a single seat and for some reason brought an usher with them to find one. Although there were many single seats available, the usher asked an entire row to shift down one seat a piece so this person could sit on the end. The people on the very end refused to move, prompting the other person to say she wanted an end seat. The early birds said they did too, that's why they arrived on time and the woman had to sit elsewhere - but not before disrupting an entire theater. As if that weren't enough, two more dudes showed up during the opening scene of the actual movie and wandered around the dark theater complaining loudly about how there were no more seats together. So, to recap, don't be a jackass who shows up late and then bitches about crap that's your own fault.

~ Turn. Off. Your. Damn. Phone. How this is still an issue in theaters is baffling. Contrary to what some people seem to think, our phones are not glued to the palms of our hands. And if you're sitting in a theater to see a two and a half hour movie, I'm guessing you got nowhere else pressing to be so why are you not at the very least turning your phone to vibrate? They tell you this before the movie, common sense should tell you it even before then. Some dick sitting behind us left his phone on and it went off at full volume during a crucial point in the film and he was in no hurry to silence it. I don't understand people sometimes.

~ Sharing things with your kids is just freaking magical and I don't care how nerdy that makes me sound. Miss N and Mr. R are about the same age and experiencing all things Star Wars for the first time and it's nifty to see. And even better, they're both totally into it. They want the toys, they act out the movies, it's adorable. This dad business is the coolest thing ever. *runs out to acquire more kids*

I'll Be Loving You Forever, Just As Long As We're Done Here By Three

BF: *sigh* I think I fucked up something and I need to vent.
Me: Talk my ear off, gurl.
BF: You, me and food tonight.
Me: ...This is only gonna take like an hour or so, right?
BF: I don't know, why? Why are you trying to time limit my pain?
Me: I'm not! Just asking.
BF: ...What's her name? lol
Me: I know not what you speak of.
BF: Uh huh. Well, whoever she is, I hope she's worth losing your first wife of 34 years!
Me: Oh Y, that's silly. Of course she is.
BF: LOL. Ass. You serenaded me with NKOTB last weekend! You promised to love me! Now you're ditching me for another woman.
Me: Baby, it's not like that! I just sang to you so you would buy me food!
BF: I never said I was buying you food.
Me: Well in that case, sorry, I'm busy tonight.
BF: LOL. Okay fine, I'll buy the food and you'll be outta there before dark. But you remember how accommodating your wife was when you leave her for someone who puts out.
Me: lol My wife does put out. Like a lot. A LOT. I'm just not interested.
BF: Fuck you for the caps lol. We really do sound like an old married couple.

Now this is the kinda marriage I could get behind!

I'll Date Ya Moms

G and I fell in love with the glory that is the Nespresso machine. The price of ownership (and inconvenience in getting coffee) turned me off to getting one, but G has been a man on a mission. That is, until last week when his mom told him they tend to breakdown often. As it turns out, Mama is a liar.

G: So my mom just stabbed in me in the back and bought a Nespresso machine. She made up that crap about the breakdowns because she wanted to get one before I did.
Me: lol. I would legit marry a woman who owned one of those.
G: lol And just like that, the ladies all flock to purchase the new must-have item for Christmas.
Me: LOL. Screw that. I'ma marry your moms. 
G: YOU LEAVE MY MOM'S MACHINE ALONE!!
Me: I can't because I don't know if you're referring to her coffee machine or her sex machine.
G: LMAO. I fucking hate you, Giuseppe. And yet, witty remarks like that almost make me wanna let you be my new daddy.
Me: Join me, Luke. And together we shall steal your mom's Nespresso and bring deliciousness to the galaxy.
G: lol Well, when you put it like that...I will follow you an'where, Jobi-Wan.

I'm A Loser Baby, So Why Don't You Marry Me

Married By Mom & Dad. Tis a sentence that should strike fear into the heart of just about anyone, right? And yet, TLC found four suckers willing to let their parents (and step-parents) to choose their future mate. I...I just can't with some reality TV, ya'll. A is a reality TV addict so we all get roped into watching some of her current obsessions at least once or twice a week. I went in-depth about my feelings on that "Married At First Sight" show and fucking ridiculous it was to marry a stranger and then be shocked when it don't work out the way you pictured it. But "Married By Mom & Dad" is ten times more ridiculous. The premise is as it sounds, the parental units "interview" and then choose someone for their thirtysomething children to be tied to til death (or, realistically, til 2017 or so). I highly recommend the first episode of this show if you're on the verge of giving up on dating and want to make yourself feel better and/or encourage yourself to stay in the game. Because trust when I say you are a lot more well off than anyone on this show. These four people are just lonely and lazy as hell. Most have their careers together and claim they're still single because they've "tried everything", but methinks they just have terrible taste in the opposite sex, or they're not the catches they believe themselves to be. Sure, some people are just unlucky in love, but I don't get that vibe from any of these folks. I adore my mother but under absolutely no circumstances would I allow her to pick a mate for me, nor would she take me up on any such offer (thank Fonz).
We met three families on the first episode of MBM&D; a family grieving the suicide of one of their sons and looking to marry off their only daughter, a Sommelier who pings the gaydar and is reuniting his long divorced parents (complete with new, possibly male step-mom) so they can find him a wife, and a Southern belle who was cheated on and apparently just stopped dating after that (we didn't meet the fourth family on this episode). And all of the families are tailor-made for reality television. The suicide family have a weird obsession with not picking a bald or particularly tall man for their daughter (this is their own stipulation, not hers). The dad repeatedly states that he's looking for a carbon copy of himself for his future son-in-law, and yes it sounds as creepy when he says it as it does to read it. The Sommelier's parents have not seen each other in years and talk about meeting each other "for the first time", despite the fact that they have two children together. The step-mom is...mannish and strikes me as a granola type who would run a nudist camp. The father is getting off on the whole process, telling the son that regardless of how he feels about the women, he will marry the one they choose. Dad organizes the meetings with the women to be like job interviews, complete with a full page of sexual questions like how often they would like to "touch" their partner and what kind of sexual appetite they have. He also wants to know how much debt they have and how they acquired it. His ex-wife, being somewhat sane, steps in to save the women from the invasive questions and rightly tells him such things should be between a husband and wife, not a wife and her potential in-laws. The Southern family is the most eccentric of all. Derald (seriously, that's her dad's name...Derald) is an odd duck who road trips down to his daughter's house so they can go pick out a wedding cake, and this is before he's even interviewed a single potential husband. The meeting the cake maker had with these people had to be the weirdest shit she's ever been a part of. She asks about the groom and is told there isn't one, then let in on the whole experiment. After that, she brings out cake samples for tasting and Derald jumps up out of his chair and knocks it onto the floor before proceeding to do what can only be described as a convulsion-like dance he calls "The Cake Dance". His daughter tells the camera that her dad loves cake, but the way he jumped up you'd think he'd not seen a piece for fifty damn years. He does the cake dance three more times in the segment. He and his wife go to the home of a potential suitor and the man opens the car door for mom, which both parents make a note of. The suitor says he used to be a valet so it was second nature to him to open doors and the parents go off on a tangent about how great it is that he's a dancer (they heard "ballet"). Mom further makes a fool of herself when she tells him, "So in your video you said you wanted to be married since you were 22. You're quite a bit older now. What happened?". Like...wtf does that even mean? Dude handles it very well but the question was ridiculous. The kicker about this show is that it would appear none of these people actually make it down a damn aisle, or at least the editing would lead us to believe as much. The Sommelier's chick turns out to be in it for the TV time, the Southern belle and her dude make it to the altar but not to the I Do's, prompting Derald to inquire as to who called the whole thing off, and the other chick ends up not being thrilled with who is chosen for her, only to be told by dad that it ain't her decision.
This kinda shit is why marriage holds zero value for my and future generations anymore. I'm all for choosing not to marry and all that, but part of the reason for my feeling that way is that marriage isn't what it used to be. It's not respected, it's not cherished as it should be. Marriage shouldn't be a decision made lightly and it certainly shouldn't be made on national television by people who are themselves on a second or third marriage. Everyone has their list of what they would like to have in a partner and what is and is not negotiable, but we often do not end up with the type of person we think we will. There are things science and our parents cannot predict or will to happen. Who our parents want us to marry is usually not who we want to marry, but the choice in who we spend our life with is our own. Or at least it should be. A friend once told me you love who you love and love knows no race, religion or anything else. You can't predict attraction, you can't predict compatibility. I've dated women that a scientific test would never have matched me with based on things like religion. And yet those relationships have been the ones that have made me a better man. Had I taken the road these people are on of letting someone else make my decisions, yes, my decisions would've been better, but at what cost? The bad decisions make us who we are as much as the good ones do. I wouldn't trade my bad decisions for anything. Call me old fashioned but no matter how annoying the dating scene can be, I'd still rather take my chances and woo and be wooed than be forced down the aisle with someone I know nothing about. All that said, hopefully TLC's latest round of fame whores will be able to find their own mates someday.

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Smartasses

Miss N's play group had their holiday shindig (people still say that, right?) over the weekend and bringing family and friends was encouraged. Unfortunately, I brought mine.

Miss R: You see that lady over there with the jacket, talking to those kids? She was telling her friends how hot she thinks you are and it was gross.
Me: ...Is she legal? She looks kinda young.
Miss R: I don't know. Probably doesn't matter though.
Me: Why?
Miss R: I told her that Miss N has two dads now and she seemed to lose interest. *Grins*
Me: You're an evil child.
Miss R: That's how you know we're related.

So now we know, 16 is when they turn on you. That gives me 9 years to love Miss N before she goes rogue.

Ho, Ho, Oh No

It's been a difficult December (and November, really) in some ways. It's been...odd. Most things have been going swimmingly; everyone in our new family of four is healthy, work has been pretty darn good and my personal life is on one hell of an upswing. All good things. The bad has been news from the home front about family members and potential serious issues on the horizon. At least, they were on the horizon. Now it would appear they have hit home, and sooner than expected. Since I recommitted myself to my faith I've been meditating twice a day and not letting anything get in the way of that time. And it's done wonders for me. I live in the now, I don't overthink or over-stress about things and I don't dwell on the past. Worrying about a future event never changed the outcome and beating yourself up over the past never changed what happened, so why freak out about either? I've been all optimism the last few months, even when I felt like a damn fool about it. And I find I still am. The circumstances suck, and I wish like hell there was more I could do to change them. But they are what they are and the chips will fall where they may. Instead of being upset and bitter about ish, I'm choosing to believe it's all for a reason and that one door being slammed means a window of opportunity, a better opportunity, will soon open. I just hope it's very soon.

And A Sexy Party In A Pear Tree

G: Did you figure out what you're getting the kid for Christmas? Because I have to know which gift I'm buying for her.

Me: Not yet. She wants a gyro something or another.

Y: LOL. A Spirograph, Giuseppe. The child wants a Spirograph.

G: LMAO. Cuz all 7-year-olds want Gyros for Christmas. Everybody be all at the table to eat tamales on Christmas Eve and poor Miss N has to sit by the tree with her Gyro. Cuz she asked for it.

Me: LOL. Well I don't know, man. Kids are weird, they want weird ish sometimes.

Y: Yeah, there's this kid in my building who wants an Easy Bake Oven so he can make Thin Mints whenever he wants and not have to buy them from, as he say, "those shifty Girl Scouts".

Me: LOL. That was told to you in confidence!

Y: lol Oops. 

G: ...Can I come over and have some of your Thin Mints?

Me: Hell yeah. I'm inviting everybody. Except Y.

Y: That's okay, I'll spend some money and support the girls.

Me: Fine then. I'll take my Girl Scout cookie money and support some other girl's cookies.

G: LMAO. Only we could start talking about Christmas gifts and end up purchasing hookahs to come to our Easy Bake Oven Christmas party.

For the record, I have nothing against the Girl Scouts. My problem is with how they lie in wait outside places to peddle their delicious wares.

Extreme Couponing

I'm not crazy about who I drew for Secret Santa. But I put in some effort and I don't feel my efforts were appreciated...

Me: I figured out what to get him.

Y: *side eyeing how quickly I figured it out* What is it?

Me: Behold! *sets down a coupon for a free Blizzard at Dairy Queen*

G: LOL. Hook me up too!

Y: Uh no. Try again. *crumples up coupon and throws it at me, lodging a direct hit in the middle of my forehead*

G: Hey! Not the face! How do you think he's gonna rustle up more of them coupons?

When There's Nothing Left To Burn, You Have To Set Yourself On Fire

I read an interesting quote the other day that said the reason some people may be lonelier than others is because they don't like themselves all that much. If you don't like you then spending time by yourself can be unbearable. I guess I was one of the lucky ones in that I never found my own company to be that awful. I didn't like myself for years, but I was never plagued by any super lonely feelings. These days, I do like me and I know how to fill my time when I'm by myself. I almost need that time to reevaluate and disconnect. I think it's a great idea for every person to have at least a year where they aren't in a relationship and aren't super focused on dating so they can just learn about themselves. In that scenario, you learn what you want/don't want, will and won't tolerate and so on. The idea is to be a happier and healthier you alone so that you're not desperately searching for a relationship and falling in with the wrong people. After all, relationships should enhance your life, not be a drain on you emotionally.
One of the takeaways from my, "What have you got to lose?" convo the other night involved this concept of learning to be alone. You would think being alone would be foreign to me since I never have been (shared a womb, and currently share life with my other half), but even as a kid I welcomed some alone time (and not just because I grew up in a house with six kids...okay, maybe that is why). But once I got my first hit of being in a relationship, I was hooked. I became a relationship hussy, of sorts. I loved the security of being in a relationship, even if it wasn't very secure, so I went from one to the next, usually with very little downtime in between. It wasn't until this very year, 34 years on, that I finally stopped that nonsense and decided to enjoy my own company. I dated of course, but if the connection wasn't there on the first or second date, I moved on. I finally gained the sense to not be in something just for the sake of being in something and that was quite liberating. I remember a friend telling me once that the guy she was seeing at the time had been cheated on by every girl he'd ever dated and I made a comment about how maybe he was the issue and not the women. Time would tell us that that was probably the case as his relationship with the friend ended partially because of shady doings on his part. And that's another thing people don't do - self-realize. If everything ends the same way, maybe you're the one with the issue that needs to be dealt with before you try again. For some, it's hard to criticize themselves and others just don't see how they can ever do any wrong. And so the cycle repeats over and over. However, the friend was able to self-realize just fine and decided to get a dog for companionship and get her shit together without a man in her life. And that puts us in a similar place in our lives (except I have the kid for companionship).
As we talked about both being single and bantered about our exes, we agreed that the dating scene just ain't where it's at once you hit 30. Meaningless hook-ups and drunken nights out on the town are all the rage in your 20's, but they're pathetic in your mid-30's and onward. I have absolutely no desire to do any of that now, which sounds odd coming from Monsieur Manwhore, but it's the truth. I'm bored with the chase and tired of the runaround. At 34, I have no patience for indecisive people and people who don't have their shit together when it comes to relationships. I refuse to settle for anything less than someone who sets me on fire, now that I've thoroughly burned the hell out myself and learned what I want, need and deserve. If it's not 1000% fulfilling and if I don't see a future, then there's no point in pursuing it. And if demanding all of that means I'm single for awhile, I'm just fine with that. I have a wonderful family, gorgeous little girl, my work and an active social life to keep me entertained in the meantime. And when Mrs. Right does come around, I know I'll be ready for it and she'll have been more than worth the wait.

For Tomorrow May Rain, So I'll Follow The Sun

A few days ago, an unexpected opportunity presented itself. I'd been going back and forth about whether I should seize it and whether I was stupid for even wanting to seize it. I turned to a couple of friends for advice and the best advice I got was one sentence, "What have you got to lose?". And you know what? She's right (something I'm sure she never tires of hearing). What the hell? You lose out on the chances you don't take, right? I usually lead with my heart in all things and this should be no different, damn the consequences and all that. And really, there could be zero consequences. Everything could work out swimmingly. New adventures for a new year, ya'll.

There's Always That One Person That Will Always Have Your Heart, You Never See It Coming Cuz You're Blinded From The Start

A friend of mine is working through his emotions after having ended his 13 year marriage. The chain of events that led to the divorce were very unexpected. He fired several warning shots in the form of ultimatums, but when she finally took it seriously, he was the one who got quite the surprise when she confessed to having had an affair. Though the marriage ended months ago, his recovery has stalled now that the holidays have arrived. It's all been a painful reminder of what once was and what is no longer. He's in that area where he thought he was getting better and then the reality of it all hit him and set him back. Some have told him to keep moving forward, and I was one of them up until recently when I saw just how affected he was but it all. Now, I get why he is where he is emotionally and I think he should take his time moving on. It can't be easy to waltz into the holidays solo after having spent the last 13 of them with someone you never thought you'd be without. And ain't that the biggest bitch? Getting over someone you still adore (even if you shouldn't), someone you believed would always be a part of your life, is just awful. I can't imagine having to do that when you were actually married to the person.
I've generally bounced back okay from break ups, even bad ones, but there have been two times in my life where bouncing back just did not happen. The first time I had to get over someone who was taken from me and the second time I had to get over someone who wasn't ready for what we could've been. Moving on after someone you're in love with passes away is not easy. It's different from a normal break up in that you never actually broke up and that all you're left with are unanswered questions. You can't just pick up the phone and wonder aloud where the two of you went wrong, which means you can never get full resolution or closure. The best way I can describe it is watching a movie that you're super excited about and very into and then the film abruptly cuts off and you find out the rest of it has been lost forever. You live in that limbo for the rest of your life, unless you can find a way to silence all the whys. In an odd way, getting through that helped me get through the second break up with the person who is still here. Few things will ever be as difficult as finding a way to cope after all that happened in '02. And because I found a way out of it, I know I can generally get through just about anything. It sort of set the standard against which I gauge all other stuff that happens in my life. And I've learned that most ish that happens is minor in the grand scheme and most people who depart your life of their own accord were probably 'meh' to begin with. If something goes wrong, you get your ish together and handle it. If someone walks out of your life, or holds the door open for you to walk out of theirs, then remember there was something wrong with them, not you. But that second break up was not with one of these types of people. This was with a ride or die chick who I literally could not picture myself living without. That ish is rare. And the end was cataclysmic for many reasons. We both knew why it had to happen but it didn't make it easier. I measured the other women I dated against her for awhile post-break up, but of course none could hold a candle to her. Half my heart always belonged to her and it seemed it always would. And then, slowly, our lives began to go in different directions. It was...almost effortless, in a way. We'd been best friends during our time together, told each other every mundane detail of every day, but once we decided to sever that tie for good, life went on. It's insane to think that we met almost a decade ago, it seems like a lifetime ago.
I used to have horrible nightmares about the loss of my girlfriend. They were constant in the beginning and then they came and went over the years. I rarely have them anymore, and I don't think of her constantly to the point where I can't get anything done. But she's always around. And I still love her immensely. As for the ex, I still think of her on occasion as well. I don't have a bad thing to say about her, in hindsight all our issues boiled down to two youngins who were bad at relationships and not ready for what we'd stumbled upon. She deserves all the happiness in the damn world and she's certainly earned it. All that said, it took me years and several journals and tons of meditation to fully move past both women. The friend's perspective is quite different as the loss is still fresh. Maybe he'll feel similarly about his ex-wife to how I feel about my ex, or maybe he'll go in the complete opposite direction given the circumstances of the split. But I hope he does find a way out of the sadness he's living in now and demands better for himself in the future because I love him and he's also someone who deserves great happiness. The journey outta the darkness is a bitch. But it's so worth it when you get to the other side.

Me And My Monkey

Someone (who shall not be named on this here blog, but knows damn well who they is) inquired as to whether I think I'm still "at risk" of returning to my party boy ways when ish gets tough. It's a valid question, I suppose. For years, all of that stuff was my crutch and I didn't think twice about running back to it, even as recently as 2013. I can see why some people still wonder or worry if I may head back to the ledge someday. Addiction runs in my family, and in a very nasty way, so I consider myself damn lucky for not ending up with an addiction of my own. I never had a compulsion to use, I did it because I was bored or I was hurt or I needed to escape from something. I picked it up and put it down at will, but almost without fail, I always turned to it when shit got rough. I don't do that anymore, and I haven't since 2013. And I don't really worry that I will do it again. Part of the reason for it was that I didn't like who I was so when left in my own company, I sought to escape it any way I could. I like me now (there, I said it) and I've found better outlets for things that trouble me; writing, meditation, hell, even doing the dishes zens me out nowadays. All of that may sound boring to some, but for somebody who's spent roughly 13 years of their life struggling with various things, it's awesome. I don't dare say I feel like a grown up yet (is it bad that I don't feel like a grown up, even though I'm responsible for another life?), but I do feel like substantial progress has finally been made and I'm gonna bask in the glow of that ish.
The question of whether or not I'd ever use again got me to thinking about times my substance abuse got in the way of my personal life. And two of those times stick out like sore thumbs. The first was with someone we'll call Ex A, whom I didn't treat very well. Our time together coincided with me being at my worst substance-wise and, no matter how hard I tried to shake the demons, they just kept creeping up. In the beginning, it wasn't so bad as I was really into her and we spent a lot of time together. That high took the place of the other ones. Until it didn't. Once I came back down to earth, I went right back to that old, familiar foe. It was like living a double life; I was sober-ish and as present as possible when I was with her, but when we were apart I was using whatever sounded good at the moment. She knew of the problem but assumed it was in the past and she was all about clean living. When she began to suspect something was amiss, I lied about it and she legit believed me. When it became obvious that I'd lied and that I was still using, I lied some more and she chose to believe me because she wanted us to work. I did too, on some level, so I would behave for small stretches, just until I felt things were settling back in. And then I'd go use again. She put up with it for awhile, never issuing ultimatums of any kind but making it clear she wasn't a fan of my other life. I ignored most of it and charged ahead. Eventually, it was all too much and she ended it. Ex A had fallen for me and all I'd done was mess things up. It would take awhile but I'd feel terrible about the whole thing once I finally did hang up my old ways.
Ex B and I were a different story from Ex A in that we were both totally enamored with each other. It's not in my nature to do something halfway or to love and support people halfway. For better or worse, I love hard and that love continues unless you give me a damn good reason to cease and desist. Ex B and I never knew how to quit one another, despite our many starts and stops during our relationship. Ex A was a sweetheart, and so was Ex B, but B was also a badass who knew what she would and would not tolerate. Having had her own issues with the bottle in the past, she'd long since pulled herself out of it and into a better existence. She still liked to go out and could drink anyone under the table when she did, but it was no longer a crutch for her. We bonded over our shared history of using substances as a band aid and our relationship thrived because of it. There was an understanding of where we'd both been and that neither of us wanted to return to that place. Ex B and I started dating shortly after I'd decided to get my life on track, so I went into the relationship with a totally clear head. And for a long time, I didn't even need to use anything else because the high she gave me was ri-di-cu-lous. I would've done absolutely anything for her and followed he anywhere, and that is not an exaggeration. I was head over heels ten times over. Sure, she could never make up her mind about sticking around long term, but none of that sent me running for the bottle (pill, booze or otherwise). I would've waited forever to end up with her and I knew the break ups had more to do with her not being ready for us than with her not loving me. After a few stops and starts, we hit a really good stretch where everything seemed to be falling into place - and then I hit a rough patch. My drug use had never been an issue, or even a thought since we'd discussed it when we first began. But some stuff went down in my life and I acquired some of my crutch, though I hadn't taken it yet. I was torn. I wanted to take it and escape and we were apart anyway because I was traveling for work. I could've gone on a bender and she'd have been none the wiser. But I just couldn't do it. Because I'm an idiot, I'd used a mutual friend to get what I needed and he mentioned it in passing to Ex B. The friend had no idea I'd had issues in the past so he didn't think twice about helping me get what I needed, nor about mentioning it to the girlfriend. After their exchange, she asked if there was anything I needed to tell her. I said no, but I had a feeling she somehow knew what was going on. I came clean and she let it be known she was gone if I chose the drugs over her. And just like that, out the pills and my desire to use them went. I never even considered it again during our time together. That was the only time we had the drug issue and it was a thousand times less serious than it would've been had I'd actually used them.
It's an interesting contrast, how Ex A and Ex B handled the situation of me and my crutch and how I reacted to their handling of the situation. Yes, I was in love with Ex B so it makes sense that when she put her foot down, the fight in me kicked up something fierce and I didn't think twice about throwing the pills out. But I wonder if Ex A and I would've gotten through things had she been the type to issue an ultimatum. I loathe ultimatums, or being told what to do, but I fell right in line when the threat of losing Ex B became real. Ex A said, "I'd prefer you not use", whereas Ex B said, "If you use, I'm gone". Maybe their past experiences had something to do with it too. Ex A is in my same industry so she'd been exposed to drug use, but never partaken in it, while Ex B had been one drink shy of an intervention back in the day. Both of them taught me valuable lessons about myself and about my substance abuse and I'm thankful to both of them for that. There were several monkeys I needed to get off my back for years and I can't even imagine going back to who I used to be.

Hanging Chad

Me: LOL White people are threatening to boycott Star Wars because of a single black actor. There have been two black guys in seven movies and they're saying that's "threatening" their whiteness.
W: Looks like those idiots forgot about that smoove muthafucka Lando Calrissian.
Me: Yes, but see back in Lando's day, the white folks were the majority. Now they're not and they is scared.
W: They should be.
Me: If I were doing the 8th movie, I'd cast all minorities and one white dude.
W: lol The white dude would be the gardener
Me: lol Hell yes. "Trim those hedges, Robert"
W: No no no, it's Chad.
Me: Thank you. I don't even know what a white name is.
Me: If Chad got unruly, I'd revoke access to his expense account.
Me: NO. If Chad got unruly, I'd deny him his pumpkin spice latte. "You drink that cafe con leche, Chad. You know what you did wrong."
W: LMAO

I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again Because I'm An Idiot

Optimism. I've always been able to get through ish because I'm blessed with a healthy dose of optimism. If you can find the humor in things and combine that with optimism, you're even better off. I'm lucky enough to be able to do that too, most times. When I departed on my holiday trip home last week, I was on a bit of a high. Things had been going pretty well and I was looking forward to chilling out with the family, watching football and stuffing my face. There were many uncertainties about the future, not just for me but for members of my family, that could've had me overthinking and feeling less than stellar but I chose not to let them get to me. And then I actually got home. The weekend was great, but Monday came around and brought some ridiculousness. Tuesday brought more ridiculousness. And all the ridiculousness will continue through the holiday week and into next weekend, which I'm nervous about. I didn't sleep well last night because I'm stressed as all hell and stress causes the anemia to flare up something fierce, so now there's that. It really is amazing how one can go from being pretty darn good to not wanting to get out their PJ's in record time. And I didn't get out of my PJ's until after noon today. Part of it was because I didn't feel well, but the other part was that I'm almost afraid to ask, "What's next?" when it comes to the run of luck my family has been having this week. And getting up and into presentable clothes and going about your day has the unwanted side effect of progressing time and bringing around the next day and all it's uncertainty.
I spent half the day moping around and overthinking ish and asking myself why I bother to lead with optimism (which is way out of character for me). A month ago, optimism was the obvious choice and it worked out pretty well for me. But this time around...it feels misplaced. It feels like I keep waking up with a huge smile on my face, telling myself I can handle whatever comes down the line, only to be punched right in the face the minute I leave the confines of my room. Thinking about all this began to further depress me, so I decided to get out of my PJ's and make something of the day and go back to being optimistic. And, again, not long after I got that smile on my face, I took another punch. And now here I am writing about it in an effort to try and make sense of things and figure out if it's worth it to be optimistic tomorrow. There's good news in that the fam and I will probably be able to financially handle some things this weekend, which is a luxury I know not everyone has (and frankly, we barely have too). There's good news in that things could always be worse, but they're not and I'm thankful for that. And there's good news in that everyone is here and healthy (except for me at the moment). What bothers me is the uncertainty of everything. Last month, I was able to push the uncertainty aside and be super optimistic that things would work themselves out. But this week feels like a test of some sort. I don't know what's being tested, or why, or why it has to involve certain other people who do not deserve this mess right now. But I know there's no choice other than to go through it and get to the other side. I already knew the holidays would be extra stressful for other reasons and I chose to be optimistic about it all then. Maybe it will be misplaced but I have no other option but to give optimism one last shot.

Have A Feeling, Now Believing That You Were The One I Was Meant To Be With

So like a moron, I decided to get my life together and stuff prior to the holidays arriving. I have a ton o' work to do, I have to clean out my storage space (and my house, really) and I wanted to get all of this done before I leave for the holiday. And then, life intervened. I caught a touch of some kinda weird sinus/cold/plague thing that is annoying the hell outta me. I don't care for being sick at all, no one does obviously, but the issue is that I generally feel okay, I just can't breathe all that well. And breathing tends to be essential to being alive and stuff, so that's a problem. In spite of this and the other goings on in my life that are uncertain, my newfound super optimism continued to burn bright. And then, Friday the 13th. I'm not super superstitious in life (only in sports), and a friend told me awhile back that any day, even one with an ominous date, is what you make of it. If you believe it's jinxed, it will be and if you don't believe, then you'll be a-ok. Well, she was half right.
I'm a firm believer in the idea that the universe will bring you what you need when you need it, most of the time. I also believe everything happens for a reason. A few nights ago, I had a very vivid dream about one of my better exes. I woke up and thought, "Huh.". It wasn't a bad dream, nor a good one, but the timing was interesting for many reasons. I put it aside and moved on. This morning I was unable to breathe whilst lying down so I got up at the damn crack of dawn and scrolled through some of that social media the kids are all on. Something popped up in my feed talking about how it's difficult for some Libras to fully embrace the concept of love, despite the fact that it's what they desperately want. Reading it was like a word for word explanation of why this ex and I didn't make it to the finish line; "You have so much love to give and of course in return, you want that genuine love back. The thing is, you want it so badly but you often don't know what to do with it.". I read that and was like, "Yep, that's her". I thought it was odd I was reading this after having had that dream recently and my mind started to wonder if the universe was trying to tell me something. And it was, in the final line of the post: "All it takes is the right person to bring the love out of you.". That struck me as, "Slow yo roll, homeboy. If you'd been the right person, ya'll would've worked out.". Again, I put this outta my mind and moved on.
Cold and sinus issues be damned, I decided to spend my Friday night out. And then the universe intervened again when I ran into the very ex I'd been dreaming/reading about and her BFF. It was awkward for a moment, but not painfully so. They invited me to eat with them and I declined, however we talked for about ten minutes. I asked about her son (still sounds odd to say) and how work was going and was happy to hear she's doing well. I left and thought that was the end of it. But the next night we crossed paths again and it ended up being more painfully awkward than I ever imagined a conversation could be. She was talking a mile a minute and saying I'd been on her mind for a few months now and she didn't know how to approach me with what she wanted to say. She went on to tell me that it has occurred to her in last year what we had, how rare it was and how much I loved her. She apologized for some things, particularly not seeing what we had sooner. She said she never meant to string me along over the years of occasional hook ups, but it wasn't necessary to apologize for that. I know her and I know the intention wasn't to lead me on, we were both honest about what was happening as it was happening. Then it went from apologize and analyzing what went wrong to her floating the thought of her and I becoming an "us" again. Aaaaaaand cue the pain in my chest. I adored this woman, and I mean A-DORED this woman for years. During our years together, if you'd asked me what my dream girl was like, I would've pointed you in her direction. Our split was ridiculously painful and I pined for year for years afterward, whether we were still hooking up or not. She was it for me. It wasn't until I fell for someone else, quite unexpectedly, that I was able to move past her. Everything she was saying right now was everything I'd wanted to hear back then. And that killed. Where was this person back then? Why did it take this long and so much time apart, not to mention two kids between us, to realize how amazing what we had was? That's what I was thinking, but I didn't say any of it to her. Because I knew the answer. And it's simple - she wasn't ready. We were each in different phases of our lives back then and she (unconsciously, perhaps) chose to go another way. I don't think she could see a world where her aspirations and our relationship could coexist. And you know, I probably didn't do all I could to show her the vision I had of the two of us spending our lives together. I've always seen our end as both of our faults. And had her confession come a year or even six months ago, my reaction would probably have been very different than it is now. Or maybe it wouldn't have since we're both parents now. It's not two crazy twenty somethings who are off and on. We're two thirty somethings with beautiful children and great jobs and different lifestyles. Things are different now. I still love her, but I'm not in love with her. I care about her very much and want her to have a happy ending because she is so deserving of it. Unfortunately that happy ending is not with me. And that sucks. But everything for a reason, I guess.

All The Good Things And The Bad Things That May Be

As I write this, it is 3:30 on a Monday afternoon and interwebs are abuzz about Charlie Sheen's "Today" show interview that is scheduled for tomorrow. Reportedly, he is to confirm that a recent blind item that made the rounds, about a Hollywood bad boy who is HIV+ and not disclosing his status to his sexual partners, is indeed about him. While I have no trouble believing that a known drug addict and frequent customer of prostitutes and porn stars has HIV, I am curious as to why he would choose to come out about it now. The rumor has been around for at least a year, having come out in last year's Sony email hack scandal, and for whatever reason the blind item only caught fire last week. As I understand it, Sheen lives in California and that state is cracking down on HIV due to a number of outbreaks on porn sets in the last year. It is illegal in California to not disclose your status to your partner, porn star or not, which means he could face possible prosecution. The announcement doesn't seem worth it, unless he's being forced into it for some other reason that carries worse consequences than prosecution. I guess we'll find out in the morning.
The news of all this broke as we were kinda, sorta ending a meeting at work and the convo immediately took a turn. It's no secret that I used to be a manwhore and Jude still is one, and our personal lives became the focus of, "Ya'll get tested, right?" questions. In this day and age, I don't see how people don't get regularly tested, particularly if they're engaging in risky behavior. Maybe they don't want to know, maybe they just assume they're untouchable (as I believe Sheen thought of himself after decades of debauchery), or maybe they're uninformed and think they're not at risk. Even if you're not whoring around, if you're having sex at all, of any kind, you're still at risk, kids. It is 2015, we should all be well aware of this by now. And yet, the misinformation is still all over the place. That's just sad. I don't have any sympathy for Sheen. he made his bed and now he will lie in it. I feel for his children and his family for all the shit he's put them through and now this. And I can't help but wonder how deep all of this will end up going, since he apparently enjoys hooking up with people without telling them he is HIV+ and without protection. Frankly, if you're banging Charlie Sheen at all, you should take a look at your life decisions and make some changes. But thinking of how many people didn't know, slept with him and then went on to sleep with other people, or get married and have children without knowing they'd even been exposed is insane. I can't comprehend how anyone with an STD doesn't disclose that ish well before they have sex with someone. That's beyond reckless behavior, it's literally playing god and taking someone else's life in your hands. True, HIV and AIDS are no longer the immediate death sentences they once were. But that doesn't mean it's now a cake walk to have either illness. The drug cocktail that helps so many live with HIV/AIDS is ridiculously expensive and even with that, a compromised immune system is no fun to live with (take this from someone who has a compromised immune system). You have to be vigilant and take precautions in many areas of your life. For the rest of your life.
If all the allegations of Sheen's behavior post-diagnosis are true, then karma will hand him whatever he deserves in the coming years. It's already handed him his HIV+ diagnosis. But I will lose my ish if any news outlet tries to turn his story into some big, inspirational tale of living with HIV. This isn't some innocent kid who was born with the disease through no fault of their own, or someone who needed a life-saving blood transfusion that ended up being tainted. This is a grown ass man who fucked his way through life and used his status as a celebrity to to indulge in sketchy shit for decades now. No one deserves to contract an STD, but when you play with fire, you better be expecting to get burned at some point. I'd be shocked if this was the first or only STD he's ever had. Sex with prostitutes and sharing needles will do that to you. If anything, I would hope this draws attention to the fact that HIV isn't just a "gay disease" (yes, I know he also slept with men, and the media will focus on that, but it's very possible he contracted it from or gave it to women). No matter your color, no matter your gender and no matter your sexual preference, if you're having sex, you ARE at risk for contracting HIV, as well as any other STD. Get tested, ya'll.

And Here's To You, Mrs. Robin Fong, Crazy Aunt's More Racist Than We Knew

On All Hallow's Eve, one of my friends who I never thought would get hitched actually tied the knot with his longtime girlfriend. He grew up in a war zone of a house and swore off marriage and kids for years, and the girlfriend wasn't crazy about the idea of marriage either. But they sort of rededicated themselves to the relationship at the beginning of the year and got engaged and married all within about a month. The wedding was awesome, in part because my newly single sister-in-law had her eyes set on a wedding guest from the bride's side. And then...well...

Me: Just go over there and ask him to dance already. I'm tired of you staring at him.
Sis-In-Law: Okay, I'm gonna go ask!
AK: Wait...who are we talking about?
Sis-In-Law: The guy over there in the red.
AK: [Long pause] He's 17. He's one of the bride's cousins.
[Table erupts in boisterous laughter]
Me: Way to go, Jared. You know, from Subway. You know, cuz he liked-
Sis-In-Law: Oh my god!
A: Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson!
Crazy Aunt: No, Mijo. She's an Asian cougar. It should be, Mrs. Robin Fong.
A: That is so unbelievably racist.
Crazy Aunt: Oh calm down! It's not racist if you're being racist towards family!
Me: Uh...I do believe racism is racism.
AK: Who cares? I say you go ahead and get your groove back, Stella!

In her defense, dude did look to be in at least his twenties. I cannot wait to spend the holidays with these people.

Don't Mess With My Man

Me: Gooooooing to the chapel and we're gonna get maaaaried.

Me: Gooooooing to the chapel and we're gonna get maaaaried.
Me: Gio really looooooves me and we're gonna get maaaaried!
MOC: LOL. Bitch. Trying to take my man.
Me: lol Hey, my daughter needs a father dammit!
MOC: Yes, she does need a father. Bc the one she has is an idiot 
Me: lol Indeed, he is.
MOC: At lunch yesterday, [an old friend] saw you guys and Miss N waiting for me and asked who ya'll were. I said you were Miss N's dad and Gio was my fiancé. She's like, "Damn girl, good for you! So baby daddy is single then?".
Me: LOL. You know, I feel so cheap when you flaunt me in public like that.
MOC: Ha, yeah I bet you wouldn't feel cheap if Gio was flaunting you like that.
Me: Oh hell no. I'd bring Polaroids and scrapbooks and ish to show people. 
MOC: LOL. Again - bitch.

You Better Watch Your Back Before She Turn Into A Killer

We were watching some show where an, ahem, older foreigner killed off her younger, American lover...

Me: He was 19 and she was 26. The similarities were eerie.
L: [Clearly not amused and possibly considering a murder of her own] I appreciate you knocking 15 years off your age, while only taking 10 off mine.
Me: Those were their ages! I can't mess with the script yo.
L: YOU could've been a gentleman and taken the 10 years and given me the 15. I'd be 21 and you'd be 24.
Me: But then I'd be the old one.
L: But at least you'd be alive.
Me: I am alive...[methinks on it for a minute]...oh...

I don't know why women always wanna kill me. I'm delightful.

Though The Sea May Be Strong, I Know We'll Carry On

Life over the last month has been pretty darn good for me. Whereas a past version of me would see my good fortune as the calm before the storm, the current version of me is full of optimism. It hasn't all been sunshine and roses, last week had some challenges that are still not fully resolved, but I've found myself super optimistic all the same. I couldn't figure out where that came from until this morning when I realized I've started to let the right people have an effect on me, rather than running back to the wrong ones who treat me like dirt. Getting BP out of my system took some doing, but I finally feel like my old self again. And that's a relief because part of me worried I'd never get that back. A friend suggested that the final piece of moving past BP may have been hearing she's not doing well, but I assured them that's not the case. No matter how terrible the fallout with someone, I don't take solace in their misfortune. I genuinely hoped BP would find a way to curb her workaholic tendencies, manage her life better and find someone to be happy with. Hearing that she's still living for someone else's dreams half a world away and hating life only made me sad for her. And I was past all her foolishness prior to hearing that anyway. I attribute the final nail in that coffin to someone else who came into my life last month. Their eternal optimism has rubbed off on me considerably and I've noticed I wake up happier and I do my best to maintain that feeling all day long. People are gonna do what they're gonna do, people will attempt to ruin your day with their mess. But that doesn't mean you have to let them.
Thanksgiving is in three weeks, and 2016 is a mere 8 weeks away. Next year will bring challenges, and I already know what some of them will be. I can't say I look forward to the challenges, but I am keeping a healthy dose o' optimism on tap about it all. It would be easy to dread every week that flies by and see each one as ticking down to uncertainty, but I don't feel that way. I have a good feeling about the next 8 weeks. And I look forward to seeing my family in three weeks (I say that now, we'll see how I feel the actual week of Thanksgiving), and to other new beginnings on the horizon. Things are uncertain, yes, but it also feels like everything is falling into place.

Woolly Bully

If it's one thing I'm known for, it's my inability to draw a damn thing beyond stick figures. But this was news to Miss N.

Miss N: Dad, can you show me how to draw a woolly mammoth for school?
Me: *Awkwardly draws an unfortunate looking...something*
Miss N: What is that?
Me: It's a woolly mammoth.
Miss N: It looks like a fat lady who fell down.
Me: That's not nice.
Miss N: Neither is your drawing.

==========

Miss N is also apparently not a fan of dad's new look.

Miss N: Will you be a pirate for Halloween?
Me: A pirate? Why?
Miss N: You have a beard and you're dark.
Me: ...And?
Miss N: All the dark guys in movies that have beards are bad guys.

Me: I'm not gonna shave just because of that.

Miss N: Mom says you won't shave because of a mid-life crisis.

Me: Oh yeah? Go ask mom which of us is already past mid-life! Then laugh at her like the evil dark guys in your movies.

Miss N: What's mid-life?

It's funny how you get excited when they learn to speak and ish. And then they get the hang of speaking and mouth off.

Thanks For The Memories, Even Though I Won't Remember Them

If you know me, you know I don't like to mountains out of the molehills that are my brain issues. Because of this, I shared the following events with only two people as they were happening. For months now, I've been having dizzy spells where everything goes dark and I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I rarely actually pass out, and the spells pass in a minute or so, but it's still fairly annoying. At first, I thought it was because I wasn't eating enough, but upping my calorie intake did nothing to stop the problem. Then, I noticed that these spells coincided with my memory issues seemingly getting worse, which is when I got concerned. I mentioned this to the doc during one of my blood tests (and btw, still in remission so that's awesome) and he was worried enough to order me to the endless abyss of brain scanning machines I always find my way into. A first scan showed two lesions on my brain that were not there before, adding more concern to the situation. Three more scans and two specialists later, I'm happy to say I'm in the all clear. Sort of. There are indeed two lesions rattling around up there, but they aren't causing any issues as of right now. The dizzy spells have become fewer as the last month has rolled by, so that's also good. But the whole brain business caused my doc to real talk me about the realities I may face down the line.
Thanks to the TBI, my risk of brain-related disorders is higher than most. During the trying weeks of tests, the doc made it very clear that MS and early onset Alzheimer's were high on the list of suspected issues. Fortunately, it turned out to be neither of those. But they're both real possibilities in the future, particularly the Alzheimer's. Because of this, my doctor wants me to start a couple of programs in an attempt to keep the mind young and try and ward off any future brain problems as best I can. And as you know, I am one to always do what I'm told (I know, I just laughed at that too). Or, should I say, the people who love me are staying on me to follow doctor's orders. I don't love the new routine, but I'm willing to do it because losing my mind for a second time (and for real) doesn't appeal to me. Thank you to all who have sent well wishes after hearing what happened and especially to those who went through it with me. Ya'll are more than I deserve.

Drunk

I was watching an episode of "Unsolved Mysteries" yesterday (don't hate, it's a good show...and ok, it was more than one episode) and they had a story about a drunk driver. This fucker went out drinking with his friend all night, then got into his truck and got on the highway. When he ended up behind a slow driver, he decided to pass her at 90 MPH on a two-lane stretch of road where passing wasn't allowed. This resulted in him hitting a car full of college students head-on, killing all but one of them. He and his passenger, of course, survived with minor injuries. His blood alcohol level was absurd and he was arrested and charged with DUI and vehicular homicide, then released pending a trial. According to the drunk's father, he began to received death threats from various anonymous people between his arrest and his trial and so he "had" to skip bail and go on the lam. Then, the father questioned whether the blood test taken at the hospital was legit and made the false claim that, "From what I had heard, the kids in the car were full of alcohol and marijuana". The prosecution tested everyone that night, dead or alive, and only two people involved had anything in their system - the ones in the truck. Also, I don't care if three of those four kids were drunk and high off their assess, it doesn't matter so long as the one driving was sober, but I digress. The drunk was apprehended a few years later, stood trial and was found guilty. And do you know what he got after all that? Fourteen and a half years in prison. That's around five years per life he took. And that's the problem with the drunk driving laws in this country.
Those of you who know me are aware that I'm one of the rare cases where the sober driver (narrowly) survived and the drunk driver perished. You also know my stance on drunk driving is one thing that will never change. I've never gotten behind the wheel after having been drinking, not even after one watered down drink. We had a demonstration at our junior high school about driving while intoxicated that stuck with me and flared up in my head every time I even considered that whole, "Well, I think I'm alright to just drive home" notion. Unlike when you're drugging yourself to death and only killing one person, driving under the influence presents a much, much greater chance of killing everyone but yourself. It's insane how many drunk drivers survive without a scratch, while the sober people they hit die on impact. I came dangerously close to being just another statistic in 2002. I can't even fathom how a grown ass person (any person, really, but adults should know better) can get into a car and swerve down a highway after a night of drinking. Hell, even one drink is too many. But sadly, the penalties for drinking and driving aren't all that severe, even when there are fatalities involved. There's not much to dissuade people from doing it, aside from good old common sense and decency and we all know that's in short supply nowadays. America, yo.

In Fairytales Of Mine, You Would Be The One That Saved Me

"One day you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die. However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find is they are not always with whom we spend our lives."

There have been two people in my 34 years on this planet that have started this type of fire in me. And, true to quote, I have not been destined to spend my life with either of them. The first one was taken far too soon, well before either of us really knew what spending a lifetime with someone truly entailed. But the other one...in theory, I guess I could try and stoke that fire and see what comes of it. However, both my heart and my mind tell me to slow my roll. Do I care about her? Always. I'm not the type to stop caring about someone unless given a damn good reason to. But you can't put the genie back in the bottle, you know? Everything that's happened has put so much distance between us, which is ironic when you remember part of the reason we failed in the first place was because of a different kind of distance. Also, we were only affecting ourselves back when we were off and on, whereas now we both have children. The universe seemed to be steering us into separate lives. And then we ran into each other for the first time in awhile, and the week of her birthday, no less. It stuck in my brain for a few days, and apparently also in my subconscious. I had a dream, a very vivid one, about her. She was designing some kind of store window and I was wandering around a mall with her sister, who I never really got along with. We didn't speak much, but we kept stopping by the store window to give feedback. The first two stops, we didn't love what she'd done with the place, so we went mall walking again. The third time, we complimented her on her work and then all sat down on this big couch, with me in between the two of them. We were each reading magazines or something and then I woke up. What I remember most about the dream was how I felt. There was this overwhelming feeling of adoring her. And she seemed to have no idea at all.

I spent a full day with that dream on mind and debated whether I should try and call her, before ultimately deciding not to. I realized the dream wasn't trying to push me towards her, it was trying to knock some sense into me. For years, I felt the way I did in that dream - totally enamored with her while she was in and out of the relationship for various reasons. She loved me, I know she did, but timing is everything and ours was off. I think this dream was the universe reminding me of how well things turned out the first time. And we shouldn't cross that bridge again. It helps that, while I still consider her one of those who started a fire in me and, on some level, it still burns, it doesn't burn as brightly as it once did. It's muted, in a way. And that's how it was meant to turn out. It's funny though. If I could go back to the day we met, even knowing all that happened in the years after, I wouldn't change a thing. I think we both loved each other the best we could at that time. And we're both destined to love other people now.

What A Waste Of War, This Peace

I came dangerously close to reaching out to BP last night. I'm not sure why I even thought of her, or felt the urge to speak to her, but I did. I used to think still caring made me a glutton for punishment but upon reflection, I don't think that's what it is. Whenever you become friends or lovers (or, ideally both) with someone, you learn all their little personality kinks and what makes them tick and how they think. Sometimes you can anticipate how they will react to certain situations, which can be an asset if you're dealing with a negative issue. I knew BP well; I knew the kinks and I knew how she'd take certain comments or assumptions she'd make about things. But I never did learn what made her tick. I could never pin down her thought process and how she got from Point A to Point B. That always irked me, though I didn't realize it until long after we split. I didn't continue to go back out of love, I fell out of love with her at least a year or so before it officially ended. I went back because I cared about her as a friend and a person, and because a part of me always wondered if I was just missing some glaring, vital clue that would make me understand what made her tick. It's that feeling of, "Did I miss something?" that people get when ish implodes and then go back over everything with a fine-toothed comb, only I was going back to a person over and over again. And in all my searching, I never did solve the mystery.
We all have something that motivates us or drives us, be it career aspirations or family or love or even the pursuit of wealth. BP was (and probably still is) VERY work-driven, though she didn't always devote that energy to her career. She worked a fair amount of temporary jobs and still allowed herself to be completely taken over by them. I used to think work was her motivation, until I saw how unhappy it actually made her. I would try and tell her to take a step back and decide what she really wanted to do and pursue that, and she attempted it a few times, but quickly lost interest and went back to what she knew she was good at. Work didn't drive her, it was just all she'd had for so long and it provided an escape from her own life and problems. I knew family wasn't her motivator. She loved her family and put up with a lot of ish from them, but they weren't her reason for anything. BP claimed to want a life partner and to be in something great romantically, yet she took every opportunity to set us back ten steps over what should have been minor issues. The way she told it, BP once had money to burn and did so by buying a house and car and various other things that later landed her in deep debt. I imagine falling from that height had to be painful, but once I saw how she still spent like she had all the money in the world, I had less sympathy. She once went to a specific retailer and maxed out her store card simply because they'd raised her credit limit (and with zero intent to pay the bill). She would pass on gigs that could help her career and pay her bills, choosing instead to go job to job and live with basically no money. I tuned out of her money woes as time wore on because I just didn't understand the mentality. Which is right in line with not knowing how she ticked.
The one thing I did figure out about BP is that while she claimed to loathe any kind of yelling or conflict, she never hesitated to participate in it and escalate it to an unnecessarily nasty level. I always attributed this to her childhood. Her parents fought quite a bit in front of her and her siblings and always said vile things to one another in the process. She witnessed that at a young age and I think it stuck with her. Part of her brain may tell her that's not the way to fight and to avoid it at all costs, but the other part has conflict ingrained in it and makes it so that she can't help but fight the way she saw her parents fight. That extreme instinct to go for self-preservation probably comes from the fact that she saw her parents get hurt when one went for the jugular on the other, and she doesn't want to be the one to get hurt. While I understood that instinct, and often tried to work things out before we got into fight territory, I also made it clear that I wasn't going to be with someone who fought that way. Our upbringings affect us in many ways, but if someone wants to change something like how they fight badly enough, there are ways to do so. She claimed to know that, but never claimed to want to change. Even if she had, her talk about making changes was just that - talk. She'd constantly tell me she was going to change things about herself or her life but once she lost interest in doing so, which was usually a few days or weeks later, she never spoke of it again and never changed anything. In getting her tank of self-preservation every time she sensed trouble on the horizon, she often ended up hurting me and then not even being able to comprehend why I was upset. Instead of fighting fair or possibly getting her herself, she opted to become the one doing the hurting. And I was always floored by effortless it was for her. At the same time, she could go from being very nasty to being very contrite in a heartbeat. The best example of this is probably an argument we had over the phone in the middle of the day. I don't recall the subject, but she was pissed at me and I was editing while we had our conversation. After about an hour of back and forth bickering she said, "I deserve so much better than this..." and I'd finally had it. I snapped and told her, "Then go find better, we're done". And just like that, she snapped back to reality and came down from her anger. First, she was shocked by what I'd said and thought I was joking, but when it became clear I wasn't, she had a meltdown. I told her I was tired of the endless fighting and the comments like that one and if ish was so bad, she should just consider herself free to pursue "better" options. She begged me not to end it and eventually turned on the waterworks and we finally talked ish through in normal tones, rather than yelling at one another. But even the insinuation that I was gone was enough to bring her back down to earth and make her realize she was acting like an ass. Still, it didn't change the way she fought. If anything, it taught her how far she could push me before I just threw my hands up.
I read a timely quote this morning that said someone shouldn't worry when you fight with them, they should worry when you stop fighting with them because it means there's nothing left to fight for. That was pretty much what happened with us. When BP decided to ignore me in the hopes that I would come to Jesus and settle down with her, it had the reverse effect of allowing me more time with people who did truly love me, and to date people who were interested in me. I found myself to be a little combative with the first few people I dated, constantly looking for something to argue about or make an issue of. Not because I wanted to, but because I'd been conditioned for that by BP. Every time I heard from her, I put up my armor and prepare for war. It took me a minute to re-learn that isn't how a relationship is supposed to be. As I learned this, I began to care less about whether or not the two of us patched things up. I chased her for a minute, but then I got wise to the fact she wasn't ever going to chase me and so I stopped. And the fights stopped. She pitched a good game about still thinking about me "constantly" and "caring immensely", but her actions proved otherwise. If you care that much and if you think about someone all the time, you make a damn effort. She was making none. If I hadn't been initiating conversations with her, I doubt she would've been speaking to me. And there really was nothing to fight for at that point. I didn't feel wanted or loved or like much of anything to her. It would've taken surprisingly little for her to prove me wrong, but she couldn't be bothered. Who wants to be with someone who literally won't even lift a finger for them? Not I.
It was all of these things that swirled through my brain last night as I contemplated reaching out to BP. The feeling I used to get when I contacted her and never got a reply was always awful, and that was back when I actually supposedly meant something to her. The way I would talk to her in a calm way with no intent of arguing and with just one "wrong" word, she would turn on me and then disengage altogether. I feel like I stuck it out as long as I could, and longer than most others would've. I cared too much and that backfired in this particular case. I couldn't just be a bastard and tell her to fuck off and move on. If I'd been able to do that, it would have saved me a world of hurt. But everything for a reason. And all of these reasons were why I ultimately decided against saying anything to her. I know for sure I used to care deeply for her, but now I'm pretty meh about the whole thing we went through. I don't know if she ever really cared, but I know she was meh while we were in the relationship. And I'm not settling for that kind of thing again. Contacting her only opens a line of communication that will end in tragedy. What's past will remain in the past.

Don't Think I'm Being Funny When I Say You Got Just What You Deserved

Karma is a bitch. A few years back, my cousin A was about to go ring shopping to propose to his girlfriend of almost 7 years. A is more like my brother, we talk incessantly during the day and hang out every chance we get. Somehow, his girlfriend caught wind of the proposal and made it clear she wasn't ready for that, a line she had given him many times before. She was younger by about four years and said she wanted to build up a career before she entered a marriage. While A was still reeling from her saying she didn't want to get hitched, he also confirmed a long held suspicion that she'd had an affair with a co-worker (the co-worker thought they were broken up at the time) and he finally cut her loose for good. He took the breakup extremely hard, but knew he had no other choice. And then five minutes after they broke up, she married someone else. Most of us believed the reason behind the quickie marriage was some sort of diss to A and how she was ready to marry, but just didn't want to marry him. Mom thinks it was some kind of weird remorseful thing where she wanted him to hear of the engagement and have him come running back to beg her to marry him instead. When he didn't, she went through with the marriage anyway for whatever reason. No matter the plan, or if there was a plan at all, it backfired in grand fashion. A took the chance to totally wash his hands of her once she got hitched and it was the first step to his moving on.
I don't like to gloat, and I never kick someone when they're down, but I have very little sympathy for A's ex. She fucked with him and then fucked him over and I saw what all of that did to him. It took at least a year for him to come out of it and even then, it sort of shut off the part of him that wanted to be married and have kids and be in love. His ex flew right under my radar and had me believing she was a decent person, which pisses me off. And I was pissed off to hear that A and the ex had a little conversation last night, until I heard what they discussed. As it turns out, her husband has been cheating on her almost from the start of the marriage and she just found out about it. She ran to A all in tears, talking about how she should divorce the husband but, if she does, might A wanna try things again. He had to stop himself from laughing before saying, "Heeeeeelllll NO". He handled it very, very well actually, which is impressive since he can sometimes be a bit of a pushover (which I'm sure is something she was counting on him still being). The way he told her to fuck off sounds epic and I wish I could've been there to see it firsthand. If she divorces the husband, it'll be after less than three years of marriage. How pathetic. The best part is A and his awesome girlfriend, AK, are on the verge of becoming engaged. AK, knowing of what a toll the last relationship took on A, said she'd get engaged to him right now and announce that ish all over social media so the ex could see. Childish? Yes. But I know the feeling. Perhaps the ex will learn a valuable lesson from all this. You don't get to fuck up somebody the way she did A and get to live happily ever after. What goes around comes around, ya'll.

And Isn't This The Life? It's Everything You Wanted

If you know me, you know I am a huge hockey fan and endlessly loyal to my beloved Colorado Avalanche. I watch as many NHL games as I can during the year, watch every Avalanche game and play my hockey video game in an attempt to capture Lord Stanley's Cup and be a kickass NHL player (if only in my own mind). I love hockey. So I'm dismayed to learn that the NHL I am such a fan of appears to think it's not big deal that one of it's biggest stars may be a rapist. Patrick Kane is a 26-year-old forward for the Chicago Blackhawks. He was instrumental in the 'Hawks winning three Stanley Cups in the last five years (a huge accomplishment as the Cup is the hardest trophy in sports to win once, nevermind three times). Kane was a part of a rejuvenation for the 'Hawks and things have gone very well on the ice for the team since he entered the league. Off the ice, things have not been so rosy. Unlike the NFL and NBA, the NHL does not allow its rookies to have absurd contracts and money thrown in their faces as soon as they enter the league. Instead, the maximum contract NHL rookies can have is in the six figures, and they're also required to live with a veteran player and his family for at least their first season to show young players how to conduct themselves properly. This is even more important if you have a player like Kane who was widely considered to be a Hall of Famer someday. But all the precautions in the world can't stop someone from believing their own hype. It also can't change any negative habits or compulsions that already exist inside that player.
Last month, news broke that Patrick Kane had been accused of rape by a 21-year-old woman who visited his Buffalo mansion with a friend on August 2nd. According to a report released at the time, Kane had invited the alleged victim's friend to come back to his house after a night of partying at a bar and the women decided to go together, presumably as a safety precaution. In his home is where it is claimed he raped the woman, who would later go to a local hospital for a rape examination as well as report the incident to the Buffalo PD. It was there the case remained, with a million unanswered questions, until a few weeks ago when it was announced a grand jury would take on the case. However, those proceedings were abruptly postponed the day they were to begin, allegedly because there was talk of a financial settlement. At around the same time, NHL teams began training camp and many wondered if Kane should be allowed to participate. Some said there was no reason he shouldn't as he'd yet to be charged with a crime and had not broken the NHL's morals clause contained in all player contracts. Others said he should take himself out of camp in order to not be a distraction, which I agreed with but knew he was too arrogant to do so. Kane showed up, to quite the showing of support from fans in attendance at the first day of camp, and the Blackhawks had a "press conference" that included him, their head coach, their GM and President. And it was a disaster. They refused any and all questions involving the accusations and said they had the utmost respect for the legal process. Kane himself said very little. It was a press conference likely intended to take attention away from the elephant in the room, but instead it only amplified the whole situation. Last week it was announced the grand jury would convene again in a few weeks, and someone also leaked a report about DNA found on the alleged victim. The waters here have been muddy from the time the story broke, many people choosing to reserve their judgement until we see how it all plays out. But today's events have left a very sour taste in a lot of people's mouths, for various reasons. The accuser's lawyer held a press conference and, unlike the 'Hawks attempt at one, it turned out to be very fruitful. The attorney called for an immediate, independent investigation into the Buffalo PD in order to figure out how his clients' rape kit ended up ripped open and left on her mother's doorstep. Yes, you read that right - a victim's rape kit, which should have only gone from the hospital to the police department, was placed on her family's doorstep. SVU couldn't even make this ish up, ya'll. I've certainly never heard of such a thing.
Thus far, there's been no word from the Kane camp about what this latest twist implies. The NHL says Kane's status remains unchanged and he will be allowed to play, which I don't agree with but I do understand. Yes, this looks awful for him, but technically he still has not committed a suspendable offense in the eyes of the league. And I'm sure if they tried to suspend him, the player's union would be all over them, thus creating an even bigger distraction. Do I think it's fair he's allowed to play? No, but I expected as much. Still, the court of public opinion has already begun to swing in the opposite direction of Kane, as it should with these new allegations. And it's really Kane's own fault. This is a player who has been a problem child off the ice for the league ever since his pro career began. There have been reports that he's been called into the offices of Blackhawks brass on numerous occasions, purely for the purpose of them explaining to him that he represents an organization and needs to conduct himself accordingly. In 2009, Kane and his cousin were arrested after physically assaulting a cab driver who did not have proper change to give them after a cab ride. Kane gave the driver $15 and the tab was $14.80. When you fuck a guy up over 20 cents, you can't expect people to give you the benefit of the doubt when you're accused of another violent act years later. That incident also took place in his hometown of Buffalo and he eventually pled guilty to misdemeanor charges and got a conditional release, but never mentioned nor apologized to the cab driver until the court forced him to. The fact that 20 cents was worthy of a beatdown in his opinion, and that he refused to apologize for so long tells me Kane has a special kind of arrogance - the kind that may make him believe he can take what he wants regardless of whether it's been offered to him. Criminals escalate, and the more privileged the criminal is, the quicker the crimes can get out of hand. I would not be surprised if Kane is in fact proven guilty when the dust settles.
These latest events are horrific for the victim and are a prime example of why rape and sexual assault victims are so reluctant to come forward, especially when the perpetrator is a famous man. This woman was already shaded by a bartender and a policeman who both called her character into question publicly, though neither was actually at the house when the alleged attack occurred. The officer was moonlighting as Kane's limo driver and is a longtime family friend who is now under investigation himself for being with Kane when he was supposed to be working at the police department. The bar owner was supposedly going to be the host of Kane's Stanley Cup party this year and is also a longtime friend. It would appear the Kane family has a lot of friends in their native Buffalo. I don't know if it was a family member, an attorney or Kane himself who may have ordered this rape kit to be essentially destroyed, but it doesn't bode well for him. Hell, it could've been a cop who did it in the mistaken belief he was helping out the hometown golden boy and Kane's camp could have nothing to do with it at all. But as possession is 9/10ths of the law, perception is 9/10ths of one's image, and Kane's image wasn't good even before all this. It doesn't take a genius to put some of the pieces together and wonder if his camp tried to pay the girl off and when she refused, someone ordered this rape kit stunt as a means of telling her they know where her family lives and, oh by the way, you have no evidence. Maybe we'll never know for sure who did it, that wouldn't be a shock. But I put nothing past someone like Patrick Kane. It will be interesting to see how things evolve from here on out. The one thing that struck me about all of this is that Kane is the only boy in a family of girls - he has three sisters. I've never understood how men with close female relatives can take advantage of a woman. How would you feel if it was your sister or your mother or your daughter? I can't wrap my head around that. If he did do it, I hope he gets what he deserves. If he didn't, well he did himself no favors by being an arrogant, entitled prick all of these years.

How To Get Away With A Meh Season

The bestie and I just finished binge watching "How To Get Away With Murder" last night and I have some thoughts.

~ I watched every season of "Scandal", which is from the same writer/producer as HTGAWM. I'm not a huge fan of hers because her writing is ridiculous a lot of the time, but then that's what made "Scandal" fun for the first two seasons. Since then, it's just gotten stupid and I won't be returning to watch next season. I was worried HTGAWM would suffer from the same stupidity, but am pleased to report that that chick doesn't write many of the episodes. Because of that, the story is much more believable and the dialogue is a lot better. Still, HTGAWM suffers from some continuity issues in its story and I thought the finale was a bit 'meh'.

~ I don't care for the way the producer writes the same character over and over and people just think it's the most innovative shit ever. Oliva Pope is a no nonsense fixer who can't get out of her own way in her personal life and is lost without a man in her life. The more married or fucked up the man is, the better. Annalise Keating, the lead in HTGAWM, is a no nonsense lawyer who often tells her clients to let her fix things for them and has a mess of a personal life that includes a dog of a husband, whom she began dating while he was still married (you lose 'em how you get 'em, girl). She's also having an affair with a married man. Olivia and Annalise are both lawyers with the same temperament and the same personal issues, the only difference being Annalise was able to take her husband from his first wife, while Olivia forever lies in wait for her man. And is it ever a case of be careful what you wish for on Annalise's end as he husband continues to philander throughout their marriage.

~ Expanding on that last thought, why is every lead woman on a Shonda Rhimes show so fucking dependent on a man?? It's one thing to write shows about strong female lead characters, the world needs more of that. But is it too much to ask that at least one of them be comfortable being in her own skin and not fucking someone else's husband? Yes, we all have our issues but I can assure you that not every chick with a successful work life is A-Ok with banging a married man. There are few things hotter than a chick who has her crap together, knows who she is and what she wants and won't settle for such foolishness in her personal life. But Rhimes' shows never have that. Meredith Grey needed a married McDreamy. Olivia Pope pines for a married President Fitzgerald Grant. Annalise Keating is so emotionally dependent on her cheating, lying, potential murderer of a husband that even after he attempts to physically assault her, she still stays with him, while continuing to bang her married cop boyfriend. Her dependence on the husband is disgusting a lot of the time. I'd kill (no pun intended) for a show where the strong woman doesn't need to be fixed or saved by a man. That would be a way to innovate.

~ Part of my love for the first two seasons of "Scandal" is that it is one of those rare shows whose twists and turns provoke an, "Oh my god" out loud. That show was basically an English telenovela and my Mexican ass, familiar with the formula as I grew up watching such fare, was all in. Yeah, it was crazy ish that could never actually happen, but it was done in a fun, tongue-in-cheek way, like in the novelas when a maid looked directly at the camera after finding out the father of her baby was a priest (because, somehow, she did not know she'd ever slept with said priest). It was when the "Scandal" writers began to believe their own hype and run out of new tricks that the show became awful. Olivia and Fitz went back and forth so many times that I didn't even care anymore, and all of the characters on the show lost any redeeming qualities they'd once had as people. HTGAWM differs in that it's not going for the outrageous and actually has believable storylines. It also finds a way to avoid certain pitfalls. Since the show takes place at a prestigious college, it would be easy to dislike all of the trust fund baby students and their rich people problems. For example, one of the girls has her life all planned out; marrying her handsome (rich) fiance who will go into politics, she'll become a lawyer, they'll have children and live a charmed existence. But you can't help but feel for her a little when you see her life began to rip apart at the seams as she finds out her fiance had some fun with the boys in high school and her monster-in-law demands she sign a pre-nup. (And those are just the appetizers for her, the main course ends up being a million times worse.) It would be easy to write it off as a show about an emotionless and mean professor and her spoiled students, but each one of them has had a reason for you to feel for them.

~ HTGAWM's second season begins on Thursday, but I'm not sure I'll watch it until next year, the same way I did with this season. I don't care for cliffhangers and I know the show takes a two month break around the holidays, and I also don't feel like I absolutely am dying to know what happens next. The first half of the season was great, and the ending unexpected, but I don't know how much meat is left for a second season. Are we doing the same storyline over again? Kinda seems like it. Overall, I'm glad I watched season 1 and we'll see what happens (eventually) in season 2.