Today at lunch, a man and his daughter, probably around 7 or 8, sat at a table just across the way from us, and the little girl was all smiles. Their table was right in my peripheral vision so I couldn't help but glance over there a number of times during our meal. And it was interesting. They ordered just a few minutes after sitting down and as soon as the waitress left, the man pulled his phone out and began fiddling with it. I assumed he was checking a message, but he continued to be completely tuned into his phone every time I glanced over. In fact, he never put it down again, not until they got up to leave. Throughout the meal, he was messing around on his phone while the girl just sat there, then ate, then just sat there some more until the check came. And he didn't say a word to her in all that time. It was kinda sad. She seemed so happy and excited when they sat down, but her mood did a total 180 when she realized there wouldn't be anything more than just sitting in silence and eating. Obviously I don't know for sure that the dude was her dad, or what the circumstances were, but body language can tell you an awful lot. I got the impression that it was a weekend visit with dad type of thing and it was not at all what she had in mind. On the way out of the restaurant, we passed another table where a teenage girl was sitting and eating with someone I assume was her father (but these days, who knows? It coulda been her sugar daddy or American fiance). She was glued to her phone and barely eating, paying no attention to him as he sat in silence. It was a complete reversal of the other situation.
All of this got me thinking about a lot of things. First, the window between our kids being in diapers and us being back in diapers is awful small. One minute they're little helpless dictators who demand every moment of your time, and the next minute they're self-sufficient, aloof know-it-alls who incessantly text their friends about how embarrassing you are. And that's why parenthood kinda sucks in a way - you get so used to being there and tending to their every need in the first years and then they start to grow up and become independent and you're still standing there like, "Hey...so I'm still here...you sure you don't need anything?". It ain't fair, yo. Second, you are an absolute idiot if you don't take full advantage of those years where they think you're all kindsa awesome. I mean, last month Miss N wanted eggnog ice cream but it hadn't been released yet, so I mixed vanilla ice cream with eggnog and nutmeg and it blew her mind, man. In ten years, she won't remember that, much less think I'm something special for having done it, but it was an awesome father-daughter moment. How many of those little moments has that dude missed because he was staring at his phone or doing some other less important ish? And how is she gonna feel about all that as she gets older? It's such a small thing but the difference between ignoring your kid during your time together or actually engaging with them could be huge. I really felt for that little girl and, in a different way, her father.
The last thing I thought about relating to all this is how I'm thankful my father was an absent one. That sounds harsh, maybe even weird, but stick with me here. I didn't know of, or meet my father until I was about 7. Mom took us to lunch with him and it was awkward. He promised to keep in touch and build relationships with each of us, but that lasted all of about three phone calls. We never heard from him again, never saw him again and he died five years ago and was mourned by his widow, the children he did have relationships with and their children. A few years after he lost touch, my brother tried to call him and invite him to his Little League Championship baseball game, but no one ever answered the phone. This dude never came to any of our games, school events, and wasn't there through a single milestone in any of our lives. And I think we're better for that. Why? Because if he had, we may very well have ended up with that kind of father who gets your hopes up but then lets you down every time. We may have ended up chasing a relationship with a father who really wasn't all that interested in knowing us. And that's far more damaging than just never knowing the dude. His reasons for that are his own, and we'll never know what they were since he's dead now, but in a way I'm thankful that we never knew him. I look at it as his loss, not ours, because my siblings are amazing human beings and he missed out on that.
If anything, today made me more appreciative of the time I have with Miss N. I've always gone back and forth about fatherhood (before her, obviously) because this is such a cruel world sometimes, but now it's like I can't imagine life without her. And I don't know how anyone, mother or father, can feel anything less than unconditional love for their child. Parenthood is no cakewalk, it's ridiculously demanding and it requires you to let go of your own selfish tendencies and any narcissism you may have had. But it's a fantastic experience. Even with the bad stuff like not sleeping, never eating without having to share, and having your face glued to the school window because you don't know what to do with yourself when there isn't a child attached to your side. I love being a father. And I know I've screwed up before and I will no doubt do so again throughout her life, but I'm still gonna try and be as good of a dad as I can be to Miss N. That's the commitment I made when she came into my life, and it's the most important commitment anyone can make. I hope that little girl I saw today has someone in her life who feels the same way about her.
